Today's book promises to be even sexier then the previous one. It's got "desire" right in the title so you know it'll have tons of sexy euphemisms and overuse of cloth attributes and temperatures. Vamp chika wow wow.
***
Right off the bat we start this book off with some torture. Alright, totally can relate here! Judging by the prisoner trying to send "mental messages", it looks like he's a Vampathian (or "Carpathian", as the author insists on calling these pseudo-vampires). His pain of a thousand paper cuts is being felt by some young female in the vast distance and this mind-meld can only mean we have another soulmate love connection brewing here. The young woman who will play opposite this unnamed tortured "soul" is a doctor named Shea O'Halloran (Oh, don't drag the Irish into this, Ms. Feehan). The guy gets staked and buried alive but just won't die because he's better than your run-of-the-mill vampire. And yet he still got captured by a bunch of puny humans. Really makes you think.
So the guy is in darkness and hungry and tries to sleep as his memory starts going because this painful torture has been going on for quite a while. His name is Jacques. Wait. Jacques? That name is familiar to me because there's a Jacques in the previous (horrible) book, The Dark Prince. He was the brother of, well, "The Dark Prince". This BETTER not be the same Jacques. He was one of the very few things I liked about the last book! You just got this book off to a piss poor start, Ms. Feehan and that's really saying something. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Oh God, I need my first drink of the evening. So Frere Jacques is dormez-vous'ing and plotting on how to get out and get to Dr. Shea because he sees visions of her elbow-deep in chest cavities and immediately thinks she's a fellow torturer like the others who caught him instead of, you know, an inconvenienced, chronically ill surgeon thanks to that mental link that has her experiencing his pain. Boy will his face be red when finds out she's actually his soulmate and not a murderer. (From embarrassment but also the bloody wounds on his head.)
During what I think is a flashback (it's not exactly clear), we see how Dr. Shea handles two vampire-torturing thugs visiting her office (and we find out about her "emerald eyes" and presumably fiery red hair). She has the power to sort of mentally seduce weaker men which most would just call "hot girl flirting" and she looks over pictures of various supposed vampires that those two goons have tortured, including Jacques. Now, most normal women would've called the cops or yelled for help when the gruffer of the two start claiming *you're* a vampire and they're gonna kill *you* but that's not the O'Halloran way. She has the weaker minded of the two express doubt and then jumps out her window. Ladies and gentlemen, our female protagonist. And you know, I still like her better than Psychic Inspector Raven. As the mind meld goes on, the Vampathian getting tortured finds himself torn with his attraction/fascination with her and his need for revenge. She's one of those "married to her work" types and he wants to know why there are no friends and family in her life. (Why are there no friends and family in YOUR life to save you, guy who I hope isn't Jacques form the previous book!)
So time keeps passing and it looks like Dr. Shea is on the run. Jacques sees glimpses of her running around and he likewise wants to run... his fingers through that silky, red hair. (BTW, First sighting of silky! If you don't remember, the trigger words are: silk, satin, need, desire, erotic, hot or heat, breast, soul and two shots for soulmate...) I may have overdone the word choice. In fact, I think I passed "need" a few pages back when he was battling his inner demons. *quick check...* And yes. There are at least 15 uses of "need" in the first half of this chapter BUT they're not all sexual in nature soooo, I may have to revise the rules a bit. Purists may call me "overly analytical" or "a pussy" but the spirit of the drinking game applies to the erotic descriptions and not two thugs threatening the good doctor that she "needs to go with them". Okay, enough sidetracking. This will only get worse after a few drinks in me (I'll only count words in sexual nature but will still tally them up for notoriety's sake at the end of this book.)
So yeah, as I said, the brilliant doctor is on the run, and again, why is she not calling the police? People know her and would miss her if she, you know, goes missing. The hell, man. According to her mother's diary, Dr. Shea's daddy is a Vampathian (with the vaguely familiar name, Rand. A quick look at my recap/summary post shows me he's the philandering manwhore who was shunned and sent to sex rehab. Probably.) So Shea is half Vampathian. That explains some things. Wait. I thought their kind couldn't reproduce with human woman otherwise wouldn't they all be doing it to try and get some female babies to give the Renesmee* treatment? I guess she's just that special. God, will the vague Twilight comparisons stop plaguing my mind?? I don't need an excuse to take a shot since "erotic" pops up in the mom's diary (Really? What kind of mother keeps an adulterous sex diary? Also she wasn't even phased by the blood drinking and the jealous vampire wife? Dr. Shea, please don't be as dumb as your mother! ... I know I'm asking a lot.)
*I'm sorry I know this name.
Thanks to the sexposition diary, we learn Shea has a "rare blood disorder" (riiight) from being half-vamp and Rand is probably dead. And the needy mistress wanted to die with her beloved but stuck it out for her newborn baby. Nice parenting there; go join Jon Benet Ramey's mom and Mrs. Donna Trenton in the line for your "world's best mom" mug. No I'm not being sarcastic, what makes you say that. Idiot. So, Dr. Shay wants to find a cure for this strange blood disease that causes men to drink people's blood during sex and have glowy eyes and fangs. At the risk of repeating myself so soon: Idiot. Back with Jacques who I'm pretty sure is my favored princely sibling (what have they done to you?!?), the vamp uses his powers of vampekinesis to bring animals to him so he can have some sort of nourishment. His mind hypnosis doesn't seem to work as well on creatures of higher intelligence, like the red-haired doctor despite her being in the same town as him (she decided to go to her dead-beat father's homeland for answers on her blood disorder).
Let's get a little more information about the perfect Irish doctor. In addition to silky (shot!) red hair, and enourmous, vivdly green eyes, she's also very delicate, has a siren's voice that mesemrizes mere mortals, can talk to animals, outperform most athletes in running/jumping, and she speaks six languages. Wow, this Florence Nightingale can do it all... except diall 911 when she know she's being hunted down. SERIOUSLY. There better be a good explanation coming, and soon. But wait, she also has a few problems in that the sun burns her skin (that's what happens when you're a fair-skinned lass) and has poor vision during the day (that's called near-sightedness due to sticking your nose in medical books for most of your life). Oh, and she gets her daily blood transfusions orally (that... means she inherited her mother's Idiocy along with her fathers vampire-ness.) But all these life lessons of isolation have made her the highly respected, self-suficient surgeon she is today. She don't need no man, vampire or strange hybrid of the two. She thinks about that "rare disease" some more, hypothesizing that it originated in the Carpathian Mountains and is so close to vampirism that people have started to believe in them again and took to killing them (some of the hunters did try to study the "affected" but, you know, killing is so much more fun in rural Europe.)
Using her doctor salary and inheritance monies, Dr. Shea transforms a totally drab cabin into a totally fab cabin. Up in the Carpathian mountains, she feels like she's finally at home. Also, she has hacker skillz to pay the non-existent billz. Because super strength, super healing, and super wealth isn't enough for this feisty red-head. If only she had super common sense. She hears the voice from her nightmares but she follows it, across grassy fields and crystal clear streams and she can paint with all the colors of the wind, she's so one with nature. She stumbles on a crumbling building with a hidden cellar door. She goes down into the dark, moldy place and though she's afraid, she keeps going. And good thing she does because she stumbles onto Jacques prison/coffin. (and several hundred rat bodies drained of blood. Gross. But also grudging respect for actual gruesomeness in a paranormal romance or "paromance".)
Doctor's diagnosis: Jacques is dead. I mean the grey skin, the stillness of the body, and the fist-size stake through the heart are a dead giveaway. The good doctor feels sorry for him, wishing she could've saved this man with presumably her rare blood disorder (oy...) But wait! His eyes shoot open and boy is he thirsty. She doesn't resist his bloodsucking out of guilt it seems, and she passes out. This doctor needs to stop being such a bleeding heart. And bleeding neck, I suppose. Okay, so after she comes to, she realizes the poor staked guy is reacting on animal instinct after being trapped for God knows how long. She puts some healing earth on his cuts (there's more about the "healing earth" and stuff in my Dark Prince recap. And if you haven't read my Dark Prince recap, you're a lucky bastard and I hate you.) She uses her half-pathian siren's voice to soothe him and promises to get help but no can do. He's got her in a death grip and feeding on her a second time, then stopping to give her some of his own blood again. You know, there's only a finite supply of blood the two of you can share between each other. Eventually, a third blood supplier will be needed to get you two healthy again.
Now that it's sunrise and Jacques has gone into hibernation, Dr. Shea can rush over to her cabin, not to get away from the dude who ripped her throat open twice, but to get the necessary supplies to help him. Ah, the power of forced soulmate love. She drives a special truck with tinted windows and a cable and winch to lift Jacques, coffin and all, out of that cellar and to her cabin. Ah, the power of money. She's burning up under the sun but she sticks it out to save the man who still hasn't said a word (I guess they always have psychic talks). After removing his clothes and feeling all fluttery at him licking her arm wound (Okay, yeah that's pretty damn intimate), she tries to surgically remove the stake from his chest, sans anasthesia as per Jacques' glaring "request". Since she's not strong enough to remove a frikin' piece of wood (aren't there supposed to be incisions in surgery?), Jacques yanks it out. And he doesn't even cry. The doctor lady starts stitching all his cuts, and even adds some spit and dirt as is the Vampathian home remedy. Then she puts him to bed and leaves him a glass of warm blood. Lovely.
As soon she gets out of the shower, she notices the blood is still there. She tells him to drink it since he refuses anything sharp near his body for regular transfusions and he utters his first word: No. Awww, they grow up so fast. And ooh. Looks like he wants something else warm and red... Damn, the dude just got out of a possibly years-long torture fest and we're already throwing out "erotic" and "hot passion" (BTW: That's 2 shots. The game has officially gotten serious!) But no sex comes of it, thank goodness. Just some more blood sharing and cuddling. That's gothically romantic, I guess. And I think they pretty much completed the soulmates ritual now. It's three exchanges of blood... but then there's also an exchange of Soulmate Miranda Rights and something tells me Count Mute-ula won't be saying much anytime soon. Just as well. Turns out even when he's been tortured into a baser animal with only thoughts of revenge against his captors, I still kinda like Jacques. Insert comparison about a shred of humanity and a shred of my love for his old personality here. I hope it's still the case as we go on.
Dr. Shea's night of cuddling with a wildman who's actually a pseudo vampire is interrupted by horrible stomach cramps from hell. Shouldn't have had so much rotting corpse blood. Jacques is mentally commanding her to return to his side so he can heal her with the power of his cuddles. Dude, give the woman a few minutes to vomit in peace and then you can use her as your personal body pillow Jacques uses hypnosis. It's very effective. Gotta catch 'em all!) He wakes her up and she finally realizes he can talk to her mentally. Your powers of perception are astounding, doctor. And Jacques is officially in brooding, overprotective soulmate mode which is kind of a bummer but there's still hope, right? Dr. Shea tries for a sassy quip about him having his rabies shot and I realize that, no, there is no hope. Jacques has been tortured so there would be no snarky, joking younger brother with the lopsided smile I liked from 'Dark Prince'. He's now this angsty, angry black-eyed wild man with a hunger that can only be fed by his fiesty little "red hair".
Satin heat and velvet softness (3 shots!) and they just only started kissing. Hoo boy. Oh wait. Looks like the Board of Ethics rears it's cockblocking head and Dr. Shea pushes away from her patient. Can't be exposing the guy to anything overstimulating or expose yourself to possible sex rabies, har har. After some questions about her finding him, he finally introduces himself and lays the soulmate bombshell on her, making sure she doesn't run away or something by grabbing her wrist in a vicegrip (something he seems to like doing a lot). She treats the news with denial and confusion. Jacques mentally tells her that two humans and one betrayer (a fellow Vampathian?) were the ones responsible for his torture. And then he gets all doe-eyed and recites the Miranda Rights of love, mentally to her. And thus, they are shackled together for all eternity. Dr. Shea is once again confused (and has shades of feisty-ness because she ain't need no man, mm mmm.)
It takes her a while to realize her body is going through some changes. I'm not sure quite what they are but it's to be assumed she got even more pseudo-vampiric. She can't even drink apple juice anymore. *gasp!* And when she tries to leave, Jacques psychically closes that door and beckons her with his velvety voice (shot!) but she's still confused about his psychic abilities. He finally figures out that despite their mental connection, she has no idea about the kind of creatures they are and with Jacques having partial amnesia about his past, it would seem that they're screwed (unerotically speaking). He tries to tell them a little about their ways and how to take care of themselves but she doesn't really get it until he tells her he slowed down his heart and lungs and stuff so he could survived beiung staked and buried alive for years. Now, by "getting it", I mean Dr. Shea gets all scientific and excited at this genetic anomaly and starts revving up her computer. It's nice to know she has passion for some things. And a skeptical red-headed doctor? I think I'm starting to get re-interested all over again.
When he sees her looking super tired, he commands her to drink blood despite her disgust at the idea. In no time, he has her suckling on his rugged chest because years of slow decay stand no chance against sculpted abs of sexyness. Also, "satin perfection" (shot!), "felt heat coil" (shot!), her mouth feels "erotic" (shot!) Oh dear, interest is gone. Also, there hasn't even been sex yet and I believe I've downed... yup about 8 shots. I'll have to drink more water and slow down. (But if I slow down, that means a longer time with this book. Blllaaagh.) After a sensual spongebath, the doctor steps outside and marvels at the technicolor world that greets her newly converted Vampathian senses. A few minutes later, her patient calls for her and she runs back, with teasing and other blah. His passionate black eyes have nightmares and her smoldering emerald gaze eventually succumbs to his pleading and guilt. She cuddles his nightmares away. That'd be cuter if I could stop flip-flopping between whether I like these characters or not. I guess I like them when they're not being schmoopy romantic which kinda defeats the point of a "paromance".
Either I'm so drunk that I'm repeating passages or the author keeps repeating Jacques tortured past and how Shea is now his whole life and the light to his darkness that made him more human and less vengeance monster. I prefer the vengeance monster. But even more so, I prefer the Jacques from the first book. Now who's repeating herself? Yeah, yeah. While she showers, he overexerts himself trying to some psychic thing and when she returns to his room he gets a vision/flashback of his past and nearly Hulks out in rage, and then the pain sets in and he's down for the count. She finally figures out he might be an immortal dude who survived years of torture and a stake in his chest. When he explains the soulmate mindmeld bonding that they've done, the doctor remembers how shellshocked her mother was after her vamp sex-buddy left her and thinks it might've been one of those soulmate deals. Hmm. Okay, then. Also, she's too smart and independent to get tied down to a man who's a vengeance seeking monster. Correction. A sexy vengeance seeking monster. And Ms. Feehan keeps saying how smart and independent Dr. Shea is but there's way more telling and not enough showing going on here. I no likee.
Run, run, run, as fast as she can. You can't catch her, she the Ginger Woman. Dr. Shea goes into doctor denial over Jacques being a vampire but soon starts hunting animals for blood since she's so hungry and weak. Jacques is suffering mentally, wondering where it all went wrong and realizing this doctor lady wasn't actually playing hard to get but was in fact a dense human who had no idea that Carpathians aren't just Romanian mountain folk. She's finally getting worried again, wondering how he'll survive since he's bed ridden and all. Jacques is currently snacking on Bambi's easily hypnotized cousins. She returns to the cabin, gets into his bed, and we finally have the first "breast" word sighting (I think that covers all of the words in the drinking game). Also, I sense a sex scene coming (heh). Dr. "little red hair" gets sucked and does some sucking (I guess deer blood is quite the aphrodisiac). He gets downright rapey, overcome by his DARK DESIRE (title drop + shot!) but with some mental coaxing, Dr. Shea talks him down and the sexing is averted. Is that disappointment I'm feeling? Perhaps because this book is still only about a quarter way done and it's been a few hours already. I'm really struggling through this bad boy.
There's soothing words from Dr. Shea about how she never should've left him and pleas for forgiveness for letting his inner animal out. Oh please. This is the floweriest, "not technically called rape" fiction I have ever read. And no, I haven't read much rape fiction unless you count Stephen King (not actually a zing; I think one or two instances of rapey sex happened in a King book. Okay, fine, I'll count 'The Dead Zone' for "raping" my innocent, book-loving heart. Also, I never get tired of bringing up the worst Stephen King book I've read in a bad book review.) Might as well start revealing her childhood to the pseudo vampire rapist. And no one is more confused or annoyed at referring to Jacques like that than I am, believe you me. I'm getting so confused and sad. I guess it doesn't help that the background music I'm playing is kind of distracting me. (Liquor alone can't keep my attention up and besides, there seems to be a 1990s theme going with the music and the bursts of nostalgia keep my spirits up when I get the urge to question why I'm doing this. It's not like I'm getting paid per blog post or something. And it's not like I have any sort of fan following, because if I did, they would surely be kind enough to LEAVE A COMMENT,*Hint Hint*)
Is anyone reading this actually interested in Dr. Shea's childhood? I mean, we basically covered it earlier, right? Her mom slept around with a slutty Vampathian and was a terrible caregiver, devoted to moping around and pining her lost lover. Booo. On the amusing side, Dr. Shea realizes her father was probably the husband to Jacques' dead sister. Hmm... does that make them cousins or something? Somebody get Springer on the phone! Or Montell. Did Montell Jordan have a talkshow? I feel like he had a talkshow. If he did, the theme song would've totally been 'This Is How We Do It' and he'd show Dr. Phil how it's done. Okay, so Dr. Shea and her silky silk hair (2 more mentions = 2 more shots) tries to protest again, sounding more convincing than the previous book's heroine but ends up falling for a shadow of Jacques' old lopsided charm. Aww... damn it, Jacques and to a lesser extent, Shea. The things. You say. You're unbelievable (woooaah!) On an unrelated note, EMF reminds me of a music company. Isn't there a similarly named music company? Oh, and Jacques is getting more memories back. Interestingly enough, they're the ones distinguishing vampires from his race of "Carpathians". No matter how many times you wanna draw differences, I WILL NOT stop thinking of them as vampires, Christine Feehan. So knock it off and work on your writing!
Dr. Shea plans to do a supply run in the morning but he refuses to let her go because he's tortured and needy. He delves into what their soulmate thing means and how he can see colors with her and blah, if you want to know more go read The Dark Prince recap. I can't be bothered to regurgitate this. I'm skimming along as it is. Speaking of the Dark Prince, he starts remembering the big fight and his attempt to protect the birdy protagonist but he can't seem to get any names or major details. It frustrates me and him. Mostly him. I've decided I won't care anymore. It's better if I don't. (Poor Jacques.) She finally gets going and on her errands of woe she senses some psychic intrusion. I think it bears repeating that this wouldn't have happened if she called the cops. She sees some shady, dark haired guy under a tree and as soon as she gets into her truck with her supplies, the dude grabs her and tries to get friendly. Kick him in the balls and run, doctor! He's a fellow Vampathian who recognizes Jacques' scent on her but is still threatening the little doctor? This shall not pass! Oh snap, she does actually knee him and run off. You have gained some respect from me, little red hair.
After a brief mental check-in where she tells Jacques what happened (you can probably guess his reaction), she drives as far as she can to the cabin but the vampire mid-morning sleepies get to her and before you can say 'Vampire fanfiction', it's night time and that shady guy who tried to mess with her has turned into an owl and met up with his Vampy commander. This is where reading the first book comes in handy (and this is the only time I'll probably ever say those words). It's the return of the, oh wait, no way you're kidding. He didn't just say what I think he did, did he? And Dr. Shea said... nothing you idiots, Dr. Shea's undead and driving while I'm wasted! (Haha!) Yeah. It's Prince Pansy Ass Mikhail. And you know it won't be long until his ball and chain shows up. Just Great. (Sarcasm test complete.)
After *finally* getting there, Dr. Shea finds even her patient got tired of the wait and is on his feet and sweating blood. He's itching to leave because he can sense they're coming aaaand too late. They're already here. Shady guy and Prince Mikhail. Oh crap. They see the bruised up Jacques and they are pissed and accusing Dr. Shea. Nooo. Do something, Jaques! And only when Dr. Shea is near unconcious does Jacques go Super Saiyan. He starts hurling objects and tackling left and right. Yes! Kill your pansy brother, Jacques! Then you shall inherit the throoone! This is the ultimate game of throooones! (I feel like that show/book would be more entertaining than this, though to be honest, this part of the book is the only part I like so far). Kill him, Jacques! Kill him dead! But he doesn't because of his injuries. Cripe crackers. She commands them to help and they have no choice since they're on Jacques' side but then Jacques grabs her and starts sucking her blood as punishement, I guess, for trying to help him when she should've just let him kill those who dare choke his woman. Looks like his manly pride is the most wounded of all.
The Prince and the shady guy (named Byron), reluctantly get out and let her do some 21st Century healing. Science! Shady Byron thinks Jacques is all vampire and savage now so they should kidnap the woman and cut their losses. Seriously? Prince Mikhail thinks that even though he's mostly animal violent, the only one who could control him was the doctor and that shady mofo is still on him about how few Vampathian women they have and she's probably not Jacques' soulmate since they haven't had the sex and he could've sensed if they did. (Eww, perv.) Hey, Byron Von Buttinksi, kindly GTFO and quit trying to steal Jacques' woman! Gawd. Hark, here comes a new character. Or rather an old character. Alcohol is not good for my memory but a quick CTRL-F of my previous recap shows that it's the only other character in the other book I sort of liked; the cold healer Gregori. Hopefully he can fix up the wounded Jacques and blood-drained Shea. Geez, when did I get so invested in this couple? The booze... she is making me soft.
Dr. Shea asseses this new Vampathian and decides he looks like an axe murderer. Hah! Then Mr. Cool himself, Gregori, decides to get the ball rolling on backstory and explanation. Since Dr. Shea is the more reasonably of the two, he tries to ask how she stumbled upon Jacques. She answers cautiously and asks proof they know the wild man. They blah blah blah about having lost contact with him, like, seven years ago and they should've heard his mental cries for help if their bond is as strong as Gregori claims. Bastards left my poor, happy Jacques to die in a crypt in the rubble of his own house. They know Shea's the only thing keeping him sane and I feel like she should just drop dead, out of spite and let Jacques tear the prince and that Shady Byron guy to pieces. Sure, Jacques would die in the ensuing struggle but at least he'll be put out of his misery. And it would serve the prince and his lackeys right. No leader, no new woman addition to their race. Nothing. Screw that whole stupid ass Carpathian race for letting themselves get bested by frickin humans with wooden stakes! God, I'm getting pissed off. Things can't possibly get any...
OH MOTHER OF CHRIST Raven is in da houuuuse! BOOOO! Get her outta here! I don't need another Mary effing Sue in my crappy vampire erotic novel! WHY why?? Whhhyyy?!!? She's there to provide her sassy wit and comfort and baaaarf. Jacques recognizes her and Shea is a bit jealous. Honey, even as crappy a character as you have been, you're still miles better than blue-eyed, raven-haired Raven. When Raven tries to help Shea up, Jacques gets all uneasy and please, if you love me as much as I loved you, you'd kill Raven. It would probably get your brother all pissed but he can go F*ck off. Jacques manages to convey that they both need blood (right, because she never got a chance to give him the stuff from her supply run to the blood bank). He drinks some of Gregori's super special ancient blood and the others pretend to look elsewhere even though we know they're secretly getting off on the doctor being humiliated in drinking blood when she clearly doesn't want to; especially that perv Byron. God, I hate that guy. And I hate this whole ugly mess. I agree with Jacques and Dr. Shea; we want these interlopers out of this book. Shoo. Go be owls somewhere in Hogwarts. Stupid Mikhail, and Raven, and Byron... and even Gregori. You cool, cool, bucket o'bastard.
It's been one week since I looked at this. Poor excuse of a love story, I diss. Five days since I ate some cheese. And pondered my life and also... honey bees? Yeeeah. Despite my poor on-the-fly rhyming skills the music has more of my attention than this book. On the plus side, it's providing you lovely readers with lots of links to get away from this horrible summary of a horrible book. So now that Jacques has his family he so clearly hates, and they're evil vampires, Dr. Shea is ready to end her house call. Finally, the woman sees sense. Run Shay! Kick my beloved Jacques in the balls and start your life anew! That bastard Byron takes her reluctance as proof she might not be Jacques' soulmate (WhoTF asked you!?) but he won't try and whisk her away with a pissed off, possessive Jacques. Okay, I'm switching sides. Take your woman, Jacques! Take her away into the earth and show her that not all Vampathian couples are lame like your brother and his bird-brained lady! Try not to go too Chris Brown on her ass, though. Dr. Shea brings up good points about needing time to think and not being held hostage by vampires that tried to kill her. With a few soothing words though, Gregori has her sleeping. Okay, my last side switch! I call foul! Y'all Carpathians are a bunch of hypnotist kidnappers and rapists! Also, I thought Irish ladies were feistier than that. (If only she wasn't such a tiny, delicate creature with that weakening "rare blood disease".)
A new scene and chapter has us at a campfire with three of the inept vampire hunters who were hunting Dr. Shea a while back. Oh come on, leave the poor doctor alone. I am not drunk enough for this... They're talking about some vampire codenamed The Vulture who is probably the snitch bastard that betrayed Jacques several years ago. Speaking of Jacques, look who's awake and frisky. And, look who's got three shots in hand. I think you know who. He's licking up her tears of sorrow because that's so
So clearly, Dr. Shea is afraid of committment and she's freaking out like a female lead in a romantic comedy, ready to go off to Ireland because damnit, she don't need no man. I'm annoyed at her because clearly Jacques needs her and they have that damn soulmate bond and she needs him because she's tiny and being hunted by even worse rapists than that Byron guy. Ugh. If only her personality was switched with that bird-brain protagonist from the previous novel. Mikhail deserves a commitment-phone who is actually as independent as she claims and poor Jacques would do wonders with a girl who easily submits to his will and sexes him up on every available surface except the bed. Ugh. I think I'm condoning an abusive relationship. What are you doooiiing to me, Christine Feehan and Absolut!?!? Jacques lays on the guilt; if she leaves he'll be lost and a danger to others. And when she's all apologetic about not rescuing him in time despite him haunting her dreams for years, I just wanna say, she did a lot more than his so called family who figured him as good as dead. They can all suck a collective gaggle of cock.
Speaking of, they're on their way over like uninvited guests and Dr. Shea sorely (emphasis on sore) does not want to see her new choke-happy "family". When Jacques points out the missing Byron, they tell him he sensed the "ritual" was completed. So they all knew exactly when Jacques was losing his soulmate virginity to the good doctor? Pervs, all of them! Have they no decency?! Dr. Shay is also just as shocked and outraged but being a weak woman in the presence of powerful Vampathians, there's not much she can do. I still vote for the ball kick and run away technique. Raven is first to talktalktalk all sassy and ready to bond with a new female BFF. Go DIAF, Raven. The only semi-useful thing to gather from this is that Shea's manwhore daddy is actually still alive and living as a recluse (I tought their kind dies when their soulmate dies). When Gregori tries to give her his super special healing blood, Dr. Shea immediately resists. That's right, Shea! Resist their BSery! That'll teach them for being all imposing and peeking in on your sexytimes. Spiteful death will elevate you to new favorite character status!
She does not die spitefully, BUT she does the next best thing. When Jacques is distracted from sucking his brother's sweet, sweet blood nectar (and getting some memories back), she jumps up and hightails it out of there. Go Shay, go! Channel your inner Scully! It's not right, but it's okay. You're gonna make it anyway. Close the door behind you, there's no key. You'd rather be alone than totally controlled and possessed by a bunch of psycho, sexist monsters. Of course Jacques is shooing away his craptastic family and channeling his thoughts to command his woman back. Jacques, honey, no. Stop being a possessive dick. He's going to her now and is taking the time to cool off in the rain. I'm sure he looks very sexy now that he's at full power and, I think, shirtless. He tries diplomacy over full on force and I'm wholly on Team Doctor (BTW, fezzes *are* cool!) After much angst and arguing, he sweet talks his way into her panties (and it's not wholly as laughably unbelievable as a certain OTHER dark soulmate couple). Thus the two make sweet, cliche love in the rain (twice!) and the most appropriate sappy song has come up in my background 90s music-palooza. Everything I do, I do it for yooououuo!!! Yeah I would fry for you. Get high with you. Walk all Thai for you, Wear tie dye for yooouou... They are truly the Robin Hood and Maid Marian of the crappy psuedo vampire erotic paromance novel. *sniff* Also my vodka bottle is officially empty. :(
So the emotional cripples (the only decent description I will give Feehan credit for) start talking and Jacques finds his memories coming back pretty quick though still not all of them. Soon Dr. Shea realizes maybe being naked in the cold rain while vampire hunters are out there somewhere is not the best of ideas so they start to leave but they sense something is watching them. Of course it's that Shady Bastard Byron. Perving on two semi-consenting adults sexing it up in nature. How rude. He expresses pervy regret, claiming he was besties with Jacques back in the good old days. And yet so willing to take his girlfriend. Away with him. Hope this is the last we see of Byron. Dr. Shea still senses some evil presence even though Jacques doesn't but they try to alleviate the tension with cutesy flirting. It's not doing much for me. On an unrelated note, whatever happened to Ja Rule? Can I get a (what, what) 'Behind the Music' retrospective on this guy? And I guess to a lesser extent, that chick in that song but mostly Ja Rule. (he's like the Kel to Jay Z's Kenan.)
Tarzan carries his beloved Jane up a cliff because it's not safe to go back to their cabin. Dr. Shea gets ironic (I maaay be mis-using the word) by admitting she's afraid of bats. Tough luck. With a traitor vampire maybe watching you and some jackass humans hunting your ass, there aren't a lot of safe places you can hide in. To pass the time, Jacques asks her opinion on Raven. You already know my opinion on Raven Sue. As for the doctor, she thinks the birdy woman's okay but crazy for hanging out with pervy jerks. She especially doesn't trust the the healer Gregori because he's as cold as ice, ice baby. Alright stop. Collaborate and listen. Because someone is screaming for help outside the cave, possibly a Vampathian caught by the betrayer who originally caught Jacques. They think it's that bastard Byron who's screaming. And despite vampires being more suceptible to sunlight than Vampathians, their "ancient race" (who can shapeshift into freaking mist and just slip through someone's fingers) are still being killed and hunted sucessfully by one or two vampires and a network of overeager good ole' boys with guns and wooden stakes. Just... incredible. And not the good kind of incredible. Like the kind where you stress the prefix "in" (meaning "not") plus Ms. Feehan's author credibility. I hope this makes sense to anyone reading because I''m not even sure it makes sense to me. I'm really digging into my high school English classes for this stuff.
As they make their way out of the cave, the two lovebirds talk about kids which leads to an argument. Not the usual argument because nothing is usual with them, but whether Jacques would raise any kids they have should Dr. Shea die. Jacques plays the soulmate card; he can't live without her and he's sure his creepy-ass family would look after his child if he pulls a Juliet. Dr. Shea remembers her own abandonment issues with a grief-stricken parent and gets angry. I can totaly understand Dr. Shea. You know, this catatonic mother neglecting her daughter after her beloved died reminds me of Katniss Everdeen, protagonist of The Hunger Games. Ah, THG. I think I'll re-read that book to cleanse my brain palate of this blechy book. You down with THG? Yeah, you know me. We're at the cabin with Jacques, Dr. Shea, and the rest of the motley crew. Apparently Raven is gonna have a little chick soon. So of course she gets extra protection as she channels her psychic abilities to try and find that boring ole' Byron. Princey over there is also in on the mind searching and apparently they do find Byron but get mentally trapped or something so they have to be punched back (well, Mikhail gets hit back into conciousness, not poor widdle pregnant Raven who's not fat because either she's really early in the pregnancy stages or that's yet another benefit of being a pseudo vampire; control you body temperature, control your weight, control your interesting characteristics.)
Another argument about children arises. This time between Ravenclaw and Gregori. He's only protective over her because the baby she's carrying is female and his destined soulmate. Way to look out for number one, you pedo. We need a Super Chris Hanson on this guy; does it count as underaged when the girl isn't even born? You know, this actually has me thinking about the aging logistics for these beings. Vampathian Babies grow into sexy adults and then, what, stay that way? Why? Gregori is hundreds of years old but he's described all sexy with a voice that could melt the panties off the most stubborn, German schoolmarm. Why do they all stop aging at around their late twenties? Why the hell am I even trying to make sense of this? Raven tries to argue her equality and I just laugh because that weak little bird-brain thinks she's people. She wants the men to take her and the good doctor seriously. You know what I want? I'll tell you what I want. What I really, really want. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna DROP KICK RAVEN AND HER DAMN SOULMATE OUTTA THIS BOOK! It's barely bearable with Jaques and the doctor!! Feehan, for Chrissake, stop trying to pretend Raven ISN'T a damsel in distress and concentrate on the redhead with the career! No wait, if you concentrate on Dr. Shea you'll turn her back into a simpering mess. Ugh. Either way, I lose.
So they determine that the vampire was able to capture Vampathians and trap their mind, making them unable to communicate mentally, with black magic potions lost for many centuries. This plot device reeks as if pulled from the ass of a 40-something year old, love-struck author. A poisonous brew of snips, snails, and puppy dog tails is mixed with some blood and offered to a Vampathian by the betrayer. And a Vampathian would have to be either retardedly stupid or mortally injured to accept roofied blood. Jacques turned out to be the latter but can't remember who offered the tainted blood (oxymoron? Well there's definitely much moronic-ness in this chapter). Dr. Shay comforts him since just two days ago he couldn't even remember how to be an adorable gentleman. Wow. Has it *really* been just two days? It feels soooo much longer. Dr. Shea says she can sense the vampire betrayer even though none of the other Vampathians can because clearly they suck. She suspects it might be Gregori with his velvet smooth voice (waah... I can't take a shot cuz I'm out of booze. ;_;) And you know, I'm starting to suspect Gregori too. He might be a double agent, like Severus Snape, except he can actually do magic. (Oooh, Snape burn. And ten points to Gryffindor just to rub it in.)
OKay, so Shay thinks that since humans are lazy, they'll probably use that same cellar where she found Jacques. You'd think the humans would see that Jacques is missing and choose a different location but arrogance and returning to the scene of the crime and blah. While the men go find Byron, the women stay behind to gossip and possibly destroy Dr. Shea's blood research (don't you let that bird woman do it, Dr. Shea!) After bestowing the great importance of taking care of Raven and her baby, Dr. Shea rethinks her "Gregori is a vampire" theory. Make up your mind, doctor. Raven is all tuckered out and, if it's only been two days, and she wasn't even acting like tired McPreggo when we first saw her stupid face so either this is a super-fast vampire pregnancy or the author is once again playing fast and loose with biology rules. Ugh. Once again Dr. Shea brings up her father and her life story and Raven feels such sympathy because she's got such a gooood, kiiiind heart. And... oh my God. I just realized something. "Sexy and I Know it" is LMFAO's attempt at "Sexyback"and "Sexyback" is the '00s answer to Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy". That bald stud was bringing sexy back when Timberlake was still prancing around in Mickey Mouse ears (and LMFAO was wiggle, wiggle, wiggling in their Superman underoos. YEah, I said underoos.) Also, if that manwhore Rand is still alive, he might be the vampire betrayer guy. I mean, why mention him over and over and have Byron be a red herring if it's not the manwhore? Then again, it could still be Gregori. Ah well. I'm too sexy for this conversation.
Let's join the three Vampathians in the cloudy, rainy day so no chance of the sun hurting them a bit (darn). Jacques warns them to look for any razor wire and Gregori spots it. The prince thinks it's pretty clever and HOW THE BALLS IS RAZOR WIRE CLEVER? You guys can just turn into mist anyways! They're all Idiots! Agggh. Suddenly a mind-booby trap is triggered and Jacques is having some PTSD flashbacks. Only the power of Dr. Shea's mindlink and her sexy memories of their, um, two days together can help him back down to reality. Lovely. I don't think making him horny will help his hunter's concentration but whatevs, you're the doctor. They sense a human down in the cellar but tread with caution in case there are more traps. Yeah be careful for those paint cans on strings. Idiots times a thouuusand! They find one of those guys who visited Dr. Shea's office and get info on his previous activities. When he thinks about how rape-a-licious the red-headed doctor was, Jacques goes into the Avatar State and even though the pansy Prince wants to stop him, Gregori is all cool with letting him kill the guy. One less amateur vampire hunter to worry about (and he's barely an adversary without the magical cloaking spells or whatever that kept the cellar safe from Vampathian mind reading.)
Can you smeeeeell what the Jacques is cooookiiiing? It's a heaping helping of revenge. Served cold, naturally. Change your pitch up! Smack that bitch up! The guy who helped torture Jacques gets his throat ripped out and dies a worthy death considering he's not only a torturer but a rapist. How gay would it be it Jacques or one of the other Vampathians bit off his penis? Hell, with their super strength and retractable claws (yup, they have those two), they could easily rip off some family jewels to make into flesh earrings while the dude bleeds out. After much struggle between the man and the beast, Jacques listens to his brother and takes the
The expert on Vampathian pregnancy (clearly *scoff*) starts expositioning the baby problems with the Vampathian race. The ancient race have very few females because most of the babies that are born end up dying and even then, many of the babies that survive are male. Dr. Shea thinks it could be nature's way of population control for a bunch of weirdly aging immortals. Hah. I knew there was a reason I liked her, even if it's a mild like. Raven brings it back around to destroying her life's work. Considering the research was for a supposed "rare blood disorder" that turned out to be vampirism, I don't consider it a big loss. But it's still the principle of the thing. The girls get all gossipy again, patting themselves on the back for putting their possessive men in their place even though they're the ones tending to the home while the men go hunting for the big bads. They have style, they have grace. Raven Whitney's cardboard face. Noelle, Maggie, and Shea too. Bella Swann, why do boys love you? Ladies fake an attitude. Their fellas get them in the mood. Don't just stand there, let's get to it... something about Vogue? Ah, screw it.
Dr. Shea gets bad vibes after destroying her useless life's research. She gets her shotgun ready because Raven needs to be protected and being two days pregnant impairs your gun holding abilities, I guess. After some useless attempt at comfort from Raven, the cabin door busts open and in come the other two amateur vampire hunters. The doctor isn't as quick on the trigger as the other guy so she gets shot along with Raven. The men quickly grab her and start beating the crap out of her. Those jackholes. Kill Raven if you must but leave the doctor alive! Actually, according to "the Vulture" that's their orders. Okay, well carry on then. Shea's been sending out telepathic distress signals and just as one of the older hunters tries to stake Raven, Jacques mentally makes Dr. Shea concentrate on the older hunter. Looks like the mind link powers allow him to explode that dude's heart straight out of his chest. Wow. Pretty f*cking hard to believe a race of beings that can channel their powers through a human conduit could get overtaken by a ragtag group of humans and a vampire with a grudge who relies on f*cking razorwire and cheapass bombs because he can't go out in the sun. JUST WOW, CHRISTINE FEEHAN.
The other guy tries to drag Dr. Shea out of the cabin but he's promptly set on fire via the mind link and it's pretty harsh to force the poor doctor to watch the people die when she's dead set (hah) against killing people (then again, wouldn't her profession expose her to the dead and dying, oh I don't know, constantly?) Now it appears Gregori needs Shea's medical help. Well not so much medical but it turns out she has Vampathian style healing powers. Riiight. She transforms into pure, healing light and magically enters Raven's body to stem her bleeding and close up her internal injuries. I could not even make this sh!t up, peoples. While Dr. Shea goes all incredible voyage inside Raven's body, Gregori tends to the tiny baby which shouldn't even, scientifically speaking, be called a "baby", At this stage, isn't this an embryo? How does it have a gender and feeliings of fear and hurt? It just gets even creepier from here; like that whole 'Breaking Dawn' Jacob imprinting thing times a hundred. Ugh. I'm ready to skip this whole stupid passage before the drunkeness makes me realllly incoherent. I'm shocked I'm lasting so long. Hooray for tons of typing and writing practice (and auto spellcheck)... too bad there's no job attached to it. ;___;
Prince Mikhail is still trying to bury Blah Byron and everyone else is just tired after all is said is done. JOIN THE CLUB, DILHOLES. After Jacques reflects on his less-than-stellar courtship of his weary "wife", he helps all the widdle tired vampy vamps go night night in the hidden chamber in the basement of the cabin. Gregori shares a mental moment with Raven's fetus (This is BEYOND Chris Hanson's capabilities!) and as soon as the sun is gone the men are up and off, ready to suck the blood of the innocent to replenish their strength. Stay away from the preschools, Gregori! Dr. Shea's powers of Individuality allow her to wake up and get out of the basement despite the strong hypnosis she was put under. She takes a shower, goes outside and... she's caught by some pale, handsome stranger. Luck would have it be the vampire betrayer. And Jacques will totally use this as a big "I told you so" against Dr. Shea for disoveying his orders and taking a brief walk, ten feet from the freakin cabin. Blergh.
Aaaand the vampy handsome guy trying to get into Shea's veins is none other than the manwhore, Rand! (Hah. Called it. I should start a drunk detective agency; Cap'n Morgan P.I.) Not only that but he seems to be really twisted and confused, convinced Dr. Shea is actually her mother, and he's ready to make her his soulmate. Vampathian Incest Alert! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Where's Steve Wilkos when you need him? Dr. Shea is all flusterred after meeting her pervy manwhore daddy that she's tripping. Wait, here comes Jacques. He's no Steve, but I'll take him. Manwhore Rand claims he's not the vampire who tortured Jacques and despite how confused the author writes Shea, we already know she's not her mother and Jacques isn't the vampire who caused all those deaths. Unless this was some kind of Inception-style Minf*ck, I think we can all assume Ayn Rand was the betrayer and skip ahead, skip ahead, sexist patronizing bullsh!t from the men, skip ahead, skip ahead, cave sex scene(s), skip ahead, skip ahead, rambling villain monologue, preachy speech about love and courage aaaand... the manwhore vampire betrayer gets his heart torn out by Owl!Jacques. And Atlas did not so much as shrug. Nice try, Christine the Anti-Climax Queen (of you know what I mean. Looks like my rhyming skillz aren't too bad after all.)
I skipped over twenty or thirty pages to get to the end and it was all the same repetitive crap with a bunch of characters I've grown to dislike to varying degrees. Even the new guy introduced to help Jacques with some blood grated on me because he reminded me of old Jacques and we all now how *that* turned out. Cripecakes, we have Raven's Mary Sue tendencies and how she *needs* to be protected because she's the future of their race and whatevs, then Prince Mikhail being totally whipped by his wife and being an annoying little prat. Even the characters I liked last book were warped into an intrusive healer douche and a psycho, bi-polar rapist. Dr. Shea, when all is said and done, was a Raven 2.0 who just managed to look good when actual Raven was there to eclipse her with her obnoxious, Mary Sue-ish tendencies.
Everything Christine Feehan touches turns to crap. Characters, solid ideas, any sense of realistic sexyness. Whereas the last book started out craptastic, this book had the gall to initially give me hope with semi-tolerable leads only to dash it to bits by the time the first sex scenes pick up. I've never said such sobering things while being so drunk off my ass. Vodka didn't help at all. Speaking of, presenting the final word tally for 'Feehan's Dark Drinking Game' (Tally may be off since I finished a 1 LITER bottle of vodka only halfway into the book!! That's 33 shots, everyone. I counted! And I only half-assed a recount the next day when I was more wake. JUST LIKE THE ELECTIONS. Hah.)
Silk: 23 Satin: 12
Need: 382 (Captain Hindsight suggests not including a "passionate" descriptor that doubles as an everyday word!)
Desire: 37 (It's also in the title; hah!)
Erotic: 13 Soul: 54
Hot/heat: 51/52 (103) (Same message as "need" if you plead.)
Breast: 32 (Way more than I would've thought; and no one had the chicken!)
*Bonus Word*:
Moist: 6 (equals 36 seconds of chugging! Omg, NOT POSSIBLE.)
In conclusion, this series is not for me and in fact, I may just go into hibernation like the damn Vampathians. Get the healing cleansing power of the soil and crap. UNLESS... I get a comment. I hate to be one of THOSE BLOGGERS but knowing what at least one person reading thinks about this would make it all worthwhile. And I won't read or post until I get a comment. And the comment doesn't even have to be in regards to this entry. It can be one of the better entries, like the Stephen King ones (minus The Dead Zone but that should go without saying by now.)
So yeah. LEAVE A COMMENT PLEASE. It would be appreciated. I even turned on anonymous commenting. At least I think I did. I'll have to double check... Meanwhile, I leave you with this. This blog has officially taken a sharp, wrong turn.
