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The book starts off by surprising me with a "Once Upon A Time" lead. Hmm. Are there sleeping princesses in this book that I'm not aware of? There's no parts in this book either (usually it's three parts) so that's also new. The last book I read with no separations was that book about pyro girls and molesty Native Americans so... here's hoping this book is better. As I was saying. "Once upon a time", there was an evil murderer cop who killed several girls before being stopped by maybe-magic in the form of someone named John Smith. Wait. John Smith? That bland name is ringing some bells. Dead bells in my memory Zone. Oh Christ, this book takes place in the same universe as The Dead Zone? So much for hoping this book will get better. Bleh.So the Castle Rock Strangler, who we know more about from my Dead Zone review/summary, is long dead but he's used as a cautionary tale and a means to scare the children of Castle Rock into obeying their parents. Eat your veggies or the crazy cop rapist will kill you! And don't expect to be saved by that bland psychic John Smith because he's dead too. We get this backstory as a lead for the line about how "the monster never dies" in that cursed town. So... the monster will come back as an evil dog? Is the monster in the bedroom closet of four year old Tad Trenton? Probably not. Little kids and their nightmares. But this could be a protagonist. His parents come in and offer words of comfort but as soon as they leave the little boy is back to being scared. The monster in his bed starts whispering all ominous as evil monster spirits do. It claims to be the Castle Rock Strangler but since he's not a little girl, Tad is safe. Even so, little Tad keeps having nightmares about the ghostly rapist and his parents try to convince him there's no such thing as monsters. Mr. and Mrs. Trenton aren't originally from Maine (aka: Monster Capital of the World) so you can forgive them for thinking that.
After a brief aside where we meet the oldest, deafest woman in Castle Rock, we get a little flashback, one year ago, where we meet someone much more important. The titular Cujo. He's a big, sweet, fluffy Saint Bernard! D;awww. The Trentons are getting their non-evil car fixed up while they watch their son play with the non-evil dog that belongs to the local mechanic's son. Flash forward to the present where some little girl is violently puking up blood and freaking out her mother. Uh, ominous? Now for something more lighthearted. Cujo is chasing a rabbit in his vast, countryside yard. He's so close, he can almost grab little Peter Cottontail. At least until he chases the rabbit down a hole and gets stuck. So much for lighting up hearts. And since his owners, the Cambers, don't know the cave-like hole exists, it's up to Cujo to free himself. Come on, boy. I believe in you! Aaaand he gets bitten by a rabies-infected bat. Damn. The poor dog gets out, washes himself off in a nearby stream and has some general doggy thoughts before walking back home. Wait, so is the rabies what turns Cujo into the scary looking dog on the book cover? Really? Not a rapey ghost possession or even a canine version of Captain Trips? Oh boooo.
Mr. Trenton is an ad executive who moved to the suburbs of Maine from New York and his attempt at starting his own business is taking a turn for the worse. He's talking things over with his business partner and I must say, I enjoy reading King's description of their huge successes. In the past, they got a burly, tattoo'd guy to advertise swimming fins to get the "swimming is serious business" demographic. They helped cerebral palsy awareness with a black and white picture of a kid, taglined: "Give Us A Hand, Huh?" Wow. Truly they are the Steve Jobs of the ad world. Their biggest client is the "Sharp Company" specializing in, you guessed it. Cookies, cakes, and cereals. Okay, maybe you wouldn't have guessed that. I know I wouldn't have. I guess it's a testament to their competency that they got a company named "Sharp" in the top ten baked goods market. I guess they narrowly beat out Mama Moldy's Muffins and The Poison Donut Co. They even had a commercial where someone pulls out a cake, all silent, that won them a Clio award. Really? That commercial won a Clio? Man, the '80s were overly forgiving. And I think I've spent enough time discussing Mr. Trenton's job situation.
I'll just summarize the meeting and problem by saying, the Sharp company didn't live up to its name when they released a batch of overly bright red, sugar cereal that causes kids to get sick and vomit up what appears to be bright red blood (ooohhh, now I get that thing that's 2 paragraphs up). So Ad Man Trenton has to go to the company's office in New York and try to keep their major client even though that stupid botched red dye was not their fault. Ah, business. Also, Ad Man Trenton is having marital problems. Onwards to a new character, a scuzzy old drunken war veteran. He hates everyone and everything except for alcohol, Cujo, and Cujo's male owners (the alcoholic mechanic Mr. Camber and his son, Brett Camber). The alcoholic gives Cujo a treat but it seems Cujo is feeling ill and cranky. Not puking up blood-red sugar cereal ill, but not good just the same. Odds on the alcoholic being one of Rabid Cujo's first victims are as high as the summer temperatures at that place. (They keep mentioning the heat which just reminds me how cold it is right now.)
It's official. Mrs. Trenton is cheating on her husband. She has fallen into that boredom that many desperate housewives of suburbia seem to do according to steamy books and TV shows. And she had to cheat with some overly tan tennis bum with a temper. Bravo, Mrs. Trenton. While your little boy plays at daycare and your husband tries to save his ad agency, you watch soap operas and get pounded by an over-aggressive douchebag. And she's been picking arguments with her husband, ignoring the real issue of her loneliness and boredom and whatever. It's kind of annoying. At least she finally dumps the guy. Speaking of terrible marriages, it looks like the Mechanic Camber isn't just an alcoholic, he's also abusive towards his wife. Lovely. She's not so timid that she doesn't try to keep her son safe when she can, and she wants to take him to see her sister. Hoping her perfect little sister with her perfect upper class life will inspire Brett to greatness instead of following in his abusive dad's oily footsteps? Okay, what's your plan B?
The douchebag tennis bum (who's a poet to boot) is throwing a little tantrum because he got dumped. He has Ad Man Trenton's business card and decides to write him an anonymous letter to let him know about his cheating wife. The business card has an actual phone number on it: 207-799-8600. I'm tempted to call it and ask for Victor Trenton. Maybe console him on his terrible wife and then yell "Nope, nothing wrong here!" (Because that's a tagline used on one of Mr. Trenton's most famous campaigns. according to Stephen King. Yeah... maybe I shouldn't call.) The Tennis Bum is also running away because he's a coward who likes to wham, bam, no thank you ma'am. The Trentons are having a nice time; even the desperate housewife has stopped her complaining (thank you, cheater's guilt). Little Tad is more than a little sad that his father has to leave for a week because he keeps the monsters away by using a made-up chant known as the "Monster Words". This would be sweet if King didn't make it seem like there actually was something going on in that house. A haunted closet on top of a rabid dog? I've heard of worse plot mash-ups.
While Ad Man Trenton thinks of all the ways his beloved cereal mascot has been lampooned by comics (Stephen King writes out a pretty good George Carlin routine, in my opinion), poor Cujo is battling the throes of onset rabies. Hearing about the pain from the dog's POV does not help with the story arc. It just makes me sad. Somebody get that Saint Bernard a mini-barrel full of brandy! And where are Cujo's owners during his time of need? Well, Abused Mrs. Camber has won the local lottery. Five thousand bucks to be exact, and it looks like she's buying her husband a bribe, er, present, so she could maybe have more leverage when she asks him permssion to visit her sister with their son. The request doesn't seem to go well at first. Looks like the mechanic is more of an a-hole than the previous passages let on. He's ready to belt his own wife for daring to bring up his drinking! Damn. After much bargaining on her end, he decides he'll give permission and then takes her to the bedroom for some unpleasant sex. Well, unpleasant for me, at least. Abused Wifey Camber manages to enjoy it. Okay, now *I* want some mini-barrel brandy to forget that imagery.
Speaking of women in lousy marriages, Desperate Housewife Trenton's little secret has been exposed. Her husband finally got the letter sent by that cowardly tennis bum and he goes through all the stages of grief when finding out the woman he loved was screwing some guy behind his back. First shock. Then sad, unmanly tears. Then anger. Then super anger (the kind where you want to punch the person who hurt you). He's Mad Man Trenton now. When he gets home he tells her about the letter and she confesses. There's not much yelling and she actually says she loves him and he gets all hopeful and it annoys me to know end. Damn it, man! She cheated on you because she was going through some pre-middle age crisis! He isn't sure what's going to happen to them but he does lean on the side of trying to get over this and the Desperate Housewife has the gall to ask him for sex before running off when he asks if she's ever slept with anyone else. Even with her sort-of understandable, long-winded speech about wanting to feel young again, I still sympathize with Ad Man Trenton (and even that sympathy is layered with disgust at his weakness. Don't beat the woman but don't be a doormat!) Ugh. There's entirely too much melodrama and not enough evil dog killing.
Drunk old veteran guy is having some drinks with the Mechanic Camber while Cujo is just laying down in pain. The mechanic plans to go to Boston while his wife and son are on their little trip. He's inviting the drunk veteran so they can really have a blast and drink up all the Boston Baked Beers or whatever alcohol they're known for over there. Cujo nearly bites his young owner on the day of the trip and Brett is worried about his dog. BUT he's more worried about missing the trip if he tells his parents something might be up with the dog. Sigh. I guess even if he did tell them, it's kind of too late. Cujo's symptoms are pretty deep and his murder levels are Castle Rock Strangler high. Yeah. Never though you'd see that name again. Or that line again. God, I despise The Dead Zone. Anyway, Abused Wifey Camber and her son get on their Greyhound bus and Ad Man Trenton and his business partner get on their flight to New York. Time away from their respective crappy spouses should do them good. While I can't get any satisfaction as to whether Ad Man Trenton will acrually come to his senses and divorce his wife, I do get satisfaction from reading that as soon as Brett Camber gets on that bus, he won't see his alcoholic mechanic dad alive again. Stephen King, you magnificent, spoiler loving bastard!
But before we get to that alcoholic, let's start with the other alcoholic. The veteran who immediately recognizes Cujo's foaming mouth and bloodshot eyes as symptoms of rabies. That knowledge doesn't do much good when the giant, nearly 200 pound dog takes down his scrawny, veteran ass. The alcoholic veteran puts up a decent fight but in the end, Cujo rips out his throat and blood gushes out everywhere.How drunk would a dog get off that blood. Meanwhile, the Mechanic Camber is doing some work after canceling future jobs so he can go on his mini vacation. He tries to look for Cujo but the dog is no where in sight. One of his clients, the Desperate Housewife, tries to call him but gets no answer and just cries because life is difficult for a big, ole' cheater-face. Tad is playing with trucks and Star Wars figures and keeping his eye on his closet door. That four year old is surprisingly astute for his age. Stephen King's young characters are always written so much more mature, and sometimes it's cool but other times it's just not believable. Then again, I don't regularly hang around four year old boys so maybe they enjoy Dukes of Hazard and methodical thinking games.
Mechanic Camber goes to visit his veteran friend and boy does he get a shock. Mr. Tough Guy Likes-To-Threaten-Women is suddenly throwing up at the sight of some splattered blood and a ragged, ripped open esophagus. Wimp. Just as he tries to call the police, Cujo appears, in pain and insane. Mr Camber covers his throat and pees himself, trying to fight off the big dog. Naturally Cujo goes for the balls. Hah! Nice. Instead of some descriptive testicle torture, we now follow Desperate Housewife Trenton as she goes shopping in her problematic car. Since she couldn't get ahold of the mechanic to fix it, the car broke down on her way back home and she's so pissed she yells at her son. She apologizes because even she knows it's low to yell at a four year old. Just as she finally gets her groceries home, her phone rings and it's her husband, stuck at a layover or something. She complains about the car, feeling stupid doing it but what else is she gonna talk to him about, her past sexcapades? She lays an "I love you" on the guy (you guilt-laying ho!) and passes the phone to her son before heading to a corner for a long bout of self pity. Please let her be third on Cujo's hit list.
After a heartwarming reunion between Abused Wifey Camber and her sister, we're back with Desperate Housewife Trenton and little Tad. She wants to drive the shoddy Pinto to the mechanic's house but is worried it'll break down on the way so she tries to call a baby-sitter for her son. Tad, however, has a premonition (Really!? A four year old has a concept of this?) and cries that he wants to go with her. Doesn't help that he still senses the spirit of the Strangler in his closet or something. The mom gives up and packs them a lunch. I would not have brought milk to take along in the extremely hot summer weather. She should've frozen some water bottles or juice. Knowing Stephen King, their car will stall halfway there and they'll have to hitchhike/walk back home, their milk spoiling in the heat. And then they'll get spotted by Cujo. That's where a half frozen bottle might come in handy; refreshing treat and functional weapon.
Their car manages to die out just as they get to the mechanic's garage and as soon as Mrs Trenton gets out to unlock her son's seatbelt, she hears good old Cujo growling a few yards away. Even though they're not hitchhiking, my guess was still kinda close. Throw your thermos at him! No, wait. I still like the poor, sick dog way more than the cheating homemaker. But I like the little boy enough to not want him to be eaten by the giant dog. Decisions, decisions. For now, the Desperate Housewife is inside the car with the windows rolled up, waiting for the car to cool down before they can try to drive away to the nearest house for help. She'll have to pass the time by honking the horn, which bothers the sound-sensitive dog. Let's take a look at everyone's favorite secondary plot with the ad agency in trouble. It's funny because I'm half-serious. Reading Ad Man Trenton brainstorm how to solve his business troubles is not depressing or infuriating - it's actual quite interesting. Here's hoping the not-so-Sharp CEO will use their idea of making their mascot apologize. I know I'd have much more respect if a company had their mascot apologize on prime time for past wrong-doings. (I'm looking at you, Quiznos composite rats.)
Desperate Housewife Trenton is still in her car. It won't start for more than a minute before going dead again. She thinks about running to the house and calling for help but chances are the door is locked. Her little boy is very tired which is not a good sign but she doesn't seem to pay it much attention. She hopes the Cambers get back from wherever they are but with Abused Wifey Camber and her son in another state and Mechanic Camber presumably dead and ball-less (Heh), Desperate Housewife Trenton will have to think of a plan B. The two Cambers who haven't suffered at the hands of Cujo are enjoying their trip with their wealthier relatives. They tried to call the house but no one answered and Abused Wifey Camber is considering divorce. Good for you, hon but you don't need to worry about that. Unless your husband had no life insurance and you have no work skills. Even then, you have that rich sister of yours to help. Hopefully.
Let's go to sleep and pin all our hopes on the mailman. That will surely work if your a scared little housewife who's biggest fear the previous day was getting wrinkles on your boobs. The desperate housewife thinks that Cujo's eyes look like something she saw in her son's closet when she was fixing some blankets in there. Huh. Okay then. Her husband is having a more pleasant sleep in his fancy hotel. That is until he has a symbolic nightmare where he goes into a forest inside his son's room and sees his wife and little boy cornered in a cave by the monster in his son's closet. Huh. Okay, I still don't know if that monster is real or not (and if it is real, what does it have to do with a rabid dog?) Meanwhile, in some other nice place, yet another main character is having trouble sleeping. Brett is sleepwalking and dreaming of feeding his dog. His abused mom wakes up to see him, a bit concerned and reading way too much into Brett's ominous words of "Cujo's not hungry no more". I mean, I know the reader can see the ominous symbolism but why does every other character react the same way? Realistically, people would wave off the nightmare or sleepwalking and go back to bed. Maybe think about what they'll have for breakfast. I suggest pancakes.
After waking up, Desperate Housewife Trenton yells at little Tad who's just scared and wants to go home. Need I remind everyone he's four years old (even if he does sound like a twenty year old sometimes). She peed in her thermos and stunk up her car and she's jealous her son is trying to get comfort from his father's Monster Words mantra. Dear God, lady, just get out of the car and die already. There's a mention of that tennis bum who's wondering if her husband got his letter about their affair, and then wrecking up their house when he finds out no one is home. That inconsiderate prick would make great, leathery tan kibble for Cujo. And as for the idiotic hopes pinned on the mailman, looks like Mechanic Camber called to have the mail stopped to his house back when he thought he was going on a crazy vacation with his old alcoholic buddy. Also, the mailman farts a lot. Thank you, Stephen King for the totally unnecessary descriptions (and details) on some wholly unlikeable characters. What? There's more? No, screw it. There's still like 100 pages left and if it's all about the Desperate Housewife and her toddler stuck in that pee-smelling hot box of a car, then I'll throw this book out the window.
Skip ahead, skip ahead. Trapped in the car, less heat at night, injured but crafty dog, delirious duck dreams, liberal use of analogies, more stuff with the Cambers and their upper class relatives, worried Ad Man trying to call his wife. And it looks like the wife is ready to leave the damn car and make a run for the door. No wait, she's chickening out. For the love of- Do it for your kid, you philanderer! Aha! She's putting on her big girl panties and she's getting out. And just standing there. You said you were a high school track star! Ugh. Of course, Cujo is waiting there, hiding by the front of the car. And he attacks her. She doesn't so much fight him off as she tries to get back into her car. Use the adrenaline to kill the dog, you moron! She gets bitten on the stomach and leg. She slams the car door on the dog's head and I'm all but yelling "Slam the door harder and break his neck! Use the car keys to poke his eyes out!" But no. She closes the door and she's trapped and bleeding inside the crappy car with her frightened son. And she's probably got rabies now. Idiot.
Cujo's owners try to call a neighbor to see if anyone is feeding the dog but don't get much information. Ad Man Trenton tries calling his house for the umpteenth time and gets no answer. He's so worried he decides to call the Castle Rock sheriff to send a cop to look in on the place. A cop does go check and he finds the wrecked up living room and kitchen. Ad Man Trenton gets informed and he immediately thinks that tennis bastard wrecked his house and kidnapped his wife and son. (Where's Liam Neeson when you need him?) His business partner is worried and sympathetic. Looks like the partner will have to go to New York and pitch the ad alone. Meanwhile, Abused Wifey Camber realizes her sister has changed. More interested in her money and possessions than her poor past. The abused wifey decides she won't divorce her husband and she'll try to fight the good fight or whatever. Again, no need to worry about that, you lucky little. I mean first the lottery and then this easy out of an abusive marriage? Unless the guy isn't dead. Actually, Stephen King never did confirm whether the mechanic died. We just left with the cliffhanger that he got his balls chewed off and that's it. Argh. It would be just like King to have that drunk mechanic recovering in a hospital or something in the epilogue.
As if it couldn't get any worse, King decides to have poor little Tad have some kind of epileptic fit in the car. His mom can't do anything more than try to keep him from choking on his tongue. She's really angry, swearing at the dog, wanting to kill him. How about putting the words to action, lady? Where the hell are the super mothering instincts like those women who lift cars off their babies? There's about 50 pages left and Ad Man Trenton is finally on his way home so I can only hope they hang on until he gets there and somehow figures out they're at the mechanic's house and somehow doesn't get attacked by the still determined, wounded dog. We get some plucky, detective deducing centered around his wife's missing car. It's kind of interesting to read (would be more so if this were a detective novel) but at the risk of overdrawing this overdrawn book summary, one of the detectives decide to check the mechanic's house to see if Desperate Housewife Trenton's car is there.
The sheriff is sent to check on the mechanic's house and he's surprised to see the car and the woman are there. He's even more surprised by the snarling dog that rushes to greet him. With his teeth. The sheriff didn't call in the sighting (it was procedure and he didn't do it! He's doomed them all!) so now his intestines are hanging out of his body. Looks like that sheriff is now in The Dead Zone. Ahaha... that was awful. Not that he's dead but the joke. And also the book. It's always worth repeating that The Dead Zone was a horrible read. Kind of like this book is turning out to be. Either Mrs. Weak-Ass sprinter makes a run for it while the dog is munching on town cop or she and her son are gonna die. It's hotter than a pyrokinetic's rage and poor little Tad is on his last throes of life because of dehydration.
Final rundown as we near the end: Ad Man Trenton's business partner calls with some good news - they're keeping the big Sharp account for another two years. The detective also found that tennis bum and got him to confess to destroying Trenton's house but not kidnapping his wife and son. Mr. Trenton has some weird freak out when he looks at his son's closet which may or may not be haunted by the spirit of freaky cop rapist. He drives up to the mechanic's house to check things for himself just as his wife is finally nutting up and ready to tap into the fight part of her fight or flight response. Time to make some PETA enthusiasts angry. The desperate housewife desperately grabs a bat (not the kind that bit the dog) that had been in the grass this whole time and starts swinging. She gets the dog in the stomach, in the head and the dog keeps coming at her. She's hitting so hard it splits the baseball bat and then the splintered part gets embedded in the dogs eye. After all that waiting, she finally beat Cujo. And her husband is pulling up too! They're saved!
Or rather just the mother is saved. Tad didn't make it. His mother makes it but not the little four year old who's so wise for his years. I just... I can't... Especially after the recent Connecticut thing. This is unfortunate. I'm not happy. I can rage and text-yell and curse Stephen King but I really should've seen this coming. He always kills off characters I like. He did it in The Dead Zone, he did it in The Stand, he did it in Carrie. And the ad exec takes back his wife which is juuuuust great. Isn't it just great? Donna Trenton, you have failed at being a faithful wife, you have failed at being a protective mother, and you have failed at being dog food. And yet you still have your breadwinner husband to love you. I hope you have that guilt festering inside you for the rest of your lousy life. I wash my hands of yet another despicable female character from the depths of Stephen King's horrible, bastard imagination.
Also, Brett gets himself a new puppy. He's grieving his miserable, alcoholic, mechanic daddy (thank CHRIST for small favors) and his mom is pretty happy about it, just like his mom's sister is happy to be rid of her black sheep family who's so poor they couldn't afford nine frickin' dollars to vaccinate a Saint Bernard. So even the rich sister is unlikable. Nearly every character in this book has a shade of unlikability. Except for the toddler who died. And just to twist the knife of anger and sadness for the dog-lovers reading this (and why would you read this?), there's a line about how Cujo always tried to be a good dog and would give his life for his family if not for that rabies disease. Just think of how miserable and confused the poor dog was as he attacked the people he loved without knowing why. It's just... no.
Thank you, Dead Zone, for tainting yet another Stephen King book. Though you are still number one on my crap list, looks like you've got yourself a number two. Geez, I need some Beethoven to wash away this tale of Saint Bernard bitterness and suckage. Also, Happy Holidays.
