Cujo

It's the killer dog book! I've been wondering about this story for a while, with Cujo being synonymous to bad dogs nowadays. Now, I keep mixing up Cujo with Old Yeller, so I'll be expecting the dog to be mercy killed by the end. Sorry if that seems spoilery, right off the bat, but I'm a dog-lover and I want to prepare myself for the worst. I suggest any similar-minded readers do the same. That's the worst case scenario. Best case scenario (besides the evil dog making a mysterious escape ala the evil car, Christine) is that the dog gets cured and reunites with his owners getting all the tasty doggie biscuits his heart desires. Yeah, and I'm Prime Minister of Australia. Now stay, sit, and try not to play dead.

***

The book starts off by surprising me with a "Once Upon A Time" lead. Hmm. Are there sleeping princesses in this book that I'm not aware of? There's no parts in this book either (usually it's three parts) so that's also new. The last book I read with no separations was that book about pyro girls and molesty Native Americans so... here's hoping this book is better. As I was saying. "Once upon a time", there was an evil murderer cop who killed several girls before being stopped by maybe-magic in the form of someone named John Smith. Wait. John Smith? That bland name is ringing some bells. Dead bells in my memory Zone. Oh Christ, this book takes place in the same universe as The Dead Zone? So much for hoping this book will get better. Bleh.

So the Castle Rock Strangler, who we know more about from my Dead Zone review/summary, is long dead but he's used as a cautionary tale and a means to scare the children of Castle Rock into obeying their parents. Eat your veggies or the crazy cop rapist will kill you! And don't expect to be saved by that bland psychic John Smith because he's dead too. We get this backstory as a lead for the line about how "the monster never dies" in that cursed town. So... the monster will come back as an evil dog? Is the monster in the bedroom closet of four year old Tad Trenton? Probably not. Little kids and their nightmares. But this could be a protagonist. His parents come in and offer words of comfort but as soon as they leave the little boy is back to being scared. The monster in his bed starts whispering all ominous as evil monster spirits do. It claims to be the Castle Rock Strangler but since he's not a little girl, Tad is safe. Even so, little Tad keeps having nightmares about the ghostly rapist and his parents try to convince him there's no such thing as monsters. Mr. and Mrs. Trenton aren't originally from Maine (aka: Monster Capital of the World) so you can forgive them for thinking that.

After a brief aside where we meet the oldest, deafest woman in Castle Rock, we get a little flashback, one year ago, where we meet someone much more important. The titular Cujo. He's a big, sweet, fluffy Saint Bernard! D;awww. The Trentons are getting their non-evil car fixed up while they watch their son play with the non-evil dog that belongs to the local mechanic's son. Flash forward to the present where some little girl is violently puking up blood and freaking out her mother. Uh, ominous? Now for something more lighthearted. Cujo is chasing a rabbit in his vast, countryside yard. He's so close, he can almost grab little Peter Cottontail. At least until he chases the rabbit down a hole and gets stuck. So much for lighting up hearts. And since his owners, the Cambers, don't know the cave-like hole exists, it's up to Cujo to free himself. Come on, boy. I believe in you! Aaaand he gets bitten by a rabies-infected bat. Damn. The poor dog gets out, washes himself off in a nearby stream and has some general doggy thoughts before walking back home. Wait, so is the rabies what turns Cujo into the scary looking dog on the book cover? Really? Not a rapey ghost possession or even a canine version of Captain Trips? Oh boooo.

Mr. Trenton is an ad executive who moved to the suburbs of Maine from New York and his attempt at starting his own business is taking a turn for the worse. He's talking things over with his business partner and I must say, I enjoy reading King's description of their huge successes. In the past, they got a burly, tattoo'd guy to advertise swimming fins to get the "swimming is serious business" demographic. They helped cerebral palsy awareness with a black and white picture of a kid, taglined: "Give Us A Hand, Huh?" Wow. Truly they are the Steve Jobs of the ad world. Their biggest client is the "Sharp Company" specializing in, you guessed it. Cookies, cakes, and cereals. Okay, maybe you wouldn't have guessed that. I know I wouldn't have. I guess it's a testament to their competency that they got a company named "Sharp" in the top ten baked goods market. I guess they narrowly beat out Mama Moldy's Muffins and The Poison Donut Co. They even had a commercial where someone pulls out a cake, all silent, that won them a Clio award. Really? That commercial won a Clio? Man, the '80s were overly forgiving. And I think I've spent enough time discussing Mr. Trenton's job situation.

I'll just summarize the meeting and problem by saying, the Sharp company didn't live up to its name when they released a batch of overly bright red, sugar cereal that causes kids to get sick and vomit up what appears to be bright red blood (ooohhh, now I get that thing that's 2 paragraphs up). So Ad Man Trenton has to go to the company's office in New York and try to keep their major client even though that stupid botched red dye was not their fault. Ah, business. Also, Ad Man Trenton is having marital problems. Onwards to a new character, a scuzzy old drunken war veteran. He hates everyone and everything except for alcohol, Cujo, and Cujo's male owners (the alcoholic mechanic Mr. Camber and his son, Brett Camber). The alcoholic gives Cujo a treat but it seems Cujo is feeling ill and cranky. Not puking up blood-red sugar cereal ill, but not good just the same. Odds on the alcoholic being one of Rabid Cujo's first victims are as high as the summer temperatures at that place. (They keep mentioning the heat which just reminds me how cold it is right now.)

It's official. Mrs. Trenton is cheating on her husband. She has fallen into that boredom that many desperate housewives of suburbia seem to do according to steamy books and TV shows. And she had to cheat with some overly tan tennis bum with a temper. Bravo, Mrs. Trenton. While your little boy plays at daycare and your husband tries to save his ad agency, you watch soap operas and get pounded by an over-aggressive douchebag. And she's been picking arguments with her husband, ignoring the real issue of her loneliness and boredom and whatever. It's kind of annoying. At least she finally dumps the guy. Speaking of terrible marriages, it looks like the Mechanic Camber isn't just an alcoholic, he's also abusive towards his wife. Lovely. She's not so timid that she doesn't try to keep her son safe when she can, and she wants to take him to see her sister. Hoping her perfect little sister with her perfect upper class life will inspire Brett to greatness instead of following in his abusive dad's oily footsteps? Okay, what's your plan B?

The douchebag tennis bum (who's a poet to boot) is throwing a little tantrum because he got dumped. He has Ad Man Trenton's business card and decides to write him an anonymous letter to let him know about his cheating wife. The business card has an actual phone number on it: 207-799-8600. I'm tempted to call it and ask for Victor Trenton. Maybe console him on his terrible wife and then yell "Nope, nothing wrong here!" (Because that's a tagline used on one of Mr. Trenton's most famous campaigns. according to Stephen King. Yeah... maybe I shouldn't call.) The Tennis Bum is also running away because he's a coward who likes to wham, bam, no thank you ma'am. The Trentons are having a nice time; even the desperate housewife has stopped her complaining (thank you, cheater's guilt). Little Tad is more than a little sad that his father has to leave for a week because he keeps the monsters away by using a made-up chant known as the "Monster Words". This would be sweet if King didn't make it seem like there actually was something going on in that house. A haunted closet on top of a rabid dog? I've heard of worse plot mash-ups.

While Ad Man Trenton thinks of all the ways his beloved cereal mascot has been lampooned by comics (Stephen King writes out a pretty good George Carlin routine, in my opinion), poor Cujo is battling the throes of onset rabies. Hearing about the pain from the dog's POV does not help with the story arc. It just makes me sad. Somebody get that Saint Bernard a mini-barrel full of brandy! And where are Cujo's owners during his time of need? Well, Abused Mrs. Camber has won the local lottery. Five thousand bucks to be exact, and it looks like she's buying her husband a bribe, er, present, so she could maybe have more leverage when she asks him permssion to visit her sister with their son. The request doesn't seem to go well at first. Looks like the mechanic is more of an a-hole than the previous passages let on. He's ready to belt his own wife for daring to bring up his drinking! Damn. After much bargaining on her end, he decides he'll give permission and then takes her to the bedroom for some unpleasant sex. Well, unpleasant for me, at least. Abused Wifey Camber manages to enjoy it. Okay, now *I* want some mini-barrel brandy to forget that imagery.

Speaking of women in lousy marriages, Desperate Housewife Trenton's little secret has been exposed. Her husband finally got the letter sent by that cowardly tennis bum and he goes through all the stages of grief when finding out the woman he loved was screwing some guy behind his back. First shock. Then sad, unmanly tears. Then anger. Then super anger (the kind where you want to punch the person who hurt you). He's Mad Man Trenton now. When he gets home he tells her about the letter and she confesses. There's not much yelling and she actually says she loves him and he gets all hopeful and it annoys me to know end. Damn it, man! She cheated on you because she was going through some pre-middle age crisis! He isn't sure what's going to happen to them but he does lean on the side of trying to get over this and the Desperate Housewife has the gall to ask him for sex before running off when he asks if she's ever slept with anyone else. Even with her sort-of understandable, long-winded speech about wanting to feel young again, I still sympathize with Ad Man Trenton (and even that sympathy is layered with disgust at his weakness. Don't beat the woman but don't be a doormat!) Ugh. There's entirely too much melodrama and not enough evil dog killing.

Drunk old veteran guy is having some drinks with the Mechanic Camber while Cujo is just laying down in pain. The mechanic plans to go to Boston while his wife and son are on their little trip. He's inviting the drunk veteran so they can really have a blast and drink up all the Boston Baked Beers or whatever alcohol they're known for over there. Cujo nearly bites his young owner on the day of the trip and Brett is worried about his dog. BUT he's more worried about missing the trip if he tells his parents something might be up with the dog. Sigh. I guess even if he did tell them, it's kind of too late. Cujo's symptoms are pretty deep and his murder levels are Castle Rock Strangler high. Yeah. Never though you'd see that name again. Or that line again. God, I despise The Dead Zone. Anyway, Abused Wifey Camber and her son get on their Greyhound bus and Ad Man Trenton and his business partner get on their flight to New York. Time away from their respective crappy spouses should do them good. While I can't get any satisfaction as to whether Ad Man Trenton will acrually come to his senses and divorce his wife, I do get satisfaction from reading that as soon as Brett Camber gets on that bus, he won't see his alcoholic mechanic dad alive again. Stephen King, you magnificent, spoiler loving bastard!

But before we get to that alcoholic, let's start with the other alcoholic. The veteran who immediately recognizes Cujo's foaming mouth and bloodshot eyes as symptoms of rabies. That knowledge doesn't do much good when the giant, nearly 200 pound dog takes down his scrawny, veteran ass. The alcoholic veteran puts up a decent fight but in the end, Cujo rips out his throat and blood gushes out everywhere.How drunk would a dog get off that blood. Meanwhile, the Mechanic Camber is doing some work after canceling future jobs so he can go on his mini vacation. He tries to look for Cujo but the dog is no where in sight. One of his clients, the Desperate Housewife, tries to call him but gets no answer and just cries because life is difficult for a big, ole' cheater-face. Tad is playing with trucks and Star Wars figures and keeping his eye on his closet door. That four year old is surprisingly astute for his age. Stephen King's young characters are always written so much more mature, and sometimes it's cool but other times it's just not believable. Then again, I don't regularly hang around four year old boys so maybe they enjoy Dukes of Hazard and methodical thinking games.

Mechanic Camber goes to visit his veteran friend and boy does he get a shock. Mr. Tough Guy Likes-To-Threaten-Women is suddenly throwing up at the sight of some splattered blood and a ragged, ripped open esophagus. Wimp. Just as he tries to call the police, Cujo appears, in pain and insane. Mr Camber covers his throat and pees himself, trying to fight off the big dog. Naturally Cujo goes for the balls. Hah! Nice. Instead of some descriptive testicle torture, we now follow Desperate Housewife Trenton as she goes shopping in her problematic car. Since she couldn't get ahold of the mechanic to fix it, the car broke down on her way back home and she's so pissed she yells at her son. She apologizes because even she knows it's low to yell at a four year old. Just as she finally gets her groceries home, her phone rings and it's her husband, stuck at a layover or something. She complains about the car, feeling stupid doing it but what else is she gonna talk to him about, her past sexcapades? She lays an "I love you" on the guy (you guilt-laying ho!) and passes the phone to her son before heading to a corner for a long bout of self pity. Please let her be third on Cujo's hit list.

After a heartwarming reunion between Abused Wifey Camber and her sister, we're back with Desperate Housewife Trenton and little Tad. She wants to drive the shoddy Pinto to the mechanic's house but is worried it'll break down on the way so she tries to call a baby-sitter for her son. Tad, however, has a premonition (Really!? A four year old has a concept of this?) and cries that he wants to go with her. Doesn't help that he still senses the spirit of the Strangler in his closet or something. The mom gives up and packs them a lunch. I would not have brought milk to take along in the extremely hot summer weather. She should've frozen some water bottles or juice. Knowing Stephen King, their car will stall halfway there and they'll have to hitchhike/walk back home, their milk spoiling in the heat. And then they'll get spotted by Cujo. That's where a half frozen bottle might come in handy; refreshing treat and functional weapon.

Their car manages to die out just as they get to the mechanic's garage and as soon as Mrs Trenton gets out to unlock her son's seatbelt, she hears good old Cujo growling a few yards away. Even though they're not hitchhiking, my guess was still kinda close. Throw your thermos at him! No, wait. I still like the poor, sick dog way more than the cheating homemaker. But I like the little boy enough to not want him to be eaten by the giant dog. Decisions, decisions. For now, the Desperate Housewife is inside the car with the windows rolled up, waiting for the car to cool down before they can try to drive away to the nearest house for help. She'll have to pass the time by honking the horn, which bothers the sound-sensitive dog. Let's take a look at everyone's favorite secondary plot with the ad agency in trouble. It's funny because I'm half-serious. Reading Ad Man Trenton brainstorm how to solve his business troubles is not depressing or infuriating - it's actual quite interesting. Here's hoping the not-so-Sharp CEO will use their idea of making their mascot apologize. I know I'd have much more respect if a company had their mascot apologize on prime time for past wrong-doings. (I'm looking at you, Quiznos composite rats.)

Desperate Housewife Trenton is still in her car. It won't start for more than a minute before going dead again. She thinks about running to the house and calling for help but chances are the door is locked. Her little boy is very tired which is not a good sign but she doesn't seem to pay it much attention. She hopes the Cambers get back from wherever they are but with Abused Wifey Camber and her son in another state and Mechanic Camber presumably dead and ball-less (Heh), Desperate Housewife Trenton will have to think of a plan B. The two Cambers who haven't suffered at the hands of Cujo are enjoying their trip with their wealthier relatives. They tried to call the house but no one answered and Abused Wifey Camber is considering divorce. Good for you, hon but you don't need to worry about that. Unless your husband had no life insurance and you have no work skills. Even then, you have that rich sister of yours to help. Hopefully.

Let's go to sleep and pin all our hopes on the mailman. That will surely work if your a scared little housewife who's biggest fear the previous day was getting wrinkles on your boobs. The desperate housewife thinks that Cujo's eyes look like something she saw in her son's closet when she was fixing some blankets in there. Huh. Okay then. Her husband is having a more pleasant sleep in his fancy hotel. That is until he has a symbolic nightmare where he goes into a forest inside his son's room and sees his wife and little boy cornered in a cave by the monster in his son's closet. Huh. Okay, I still don't know if that monster is real or not (and if it is real, what does it have to do with a rabid dog?) Meanwhile, in some other nice place, yet another main character is having trouble sleeping. Brett is sleepwalking and dreaming of feeding his dog. His abused mom wakes up to see him, a bit concerned and reading way too much into Brett's ominous words of "Cujo's not hungry no more". I mean, I know the reader can see the ominous symbolism but why does every other character react the same way? Realistically, people would wave off the nightmare or sleepwalking and go back to bed. Maybe think about what they'll have for breakfast. I suggest pancakes.

After waking up, Desperate Housewife Trenton yells at little Tad who's just scared and wants to go home. Need I remind everyone he's four years old (even if he does sound like a twenty year old sometimes). She peed in her thermos and stunk up her car and she's jealous her son is trying to get comfort from his father's Monster Words mantra. Dear God, lady, just get out of the car and die already. There's a mention of that tennis bum who's wondering if her husband got his letter about their affair, and then wrecking up their house when he finds out no one is home. That inconsiderate prick would make great, leathery tan kibble for Cujo. And as for the idiotic hopes pinned on the mailman, looks like Mechanic Camber called to have the mail stopped to his house back when he thought he was going on a crazy vacation with his old alcoholic buddy. Also, the mailman farts a lot. Thank you, Stephen King for the totally unnecessary descriptions (and details) on some wholly unlikeable characters. What? There's more? No, screw it. There's still like 100 pages left and if it's all about the Desperate Housewife and her toddler stuck in that pee-smelling hot box of a car, then I'll throw this book out the window.

Skip ahead, skip ahead. Trapped in the car, less heat at night, injured but crafty dog, delirious duck dreams, liberal use of analogies, more stuff with the Cambers and their upper class relatives, worried Ad Man trying to call his wife. And it looks like the wife is ready to leave the damn car and make a run for the door. No wait, she's chickening out. For the love of- Do it for your kid, you philanderer! Aha! She's putting on her big girl panties and she's getting out. And just standing there. You said you were a high school track star! Ugh. Of course, Cujo is waiting there, hiding by the front of the car. And he attacks her. She doesn't so much fight him off as she tries to get back into her car. Use the adrenaline to kill the dog, you moron! She gets bitten on the stomach and leg. She slams the car door on the dog's head and I'm all but yelling "Slam the door harder and break his neck! Use the car keys to poke his eyes out!" But no. She closes the door and she's trapped and bleeding inside the crappy car with her frightened son. And she's probably got rabies now. Idiot.

Cujo's owners try to call a neighbor to see if anyone is feeding the dog but don't get much information. Ad Man Trenton tries calling his house for the umpteenth time and gets no answer. He's so worried he decides to call the Castle Rock sheriff to send a cop to look in on the place. A cop does go check and he finds the wrecked up living room and kitchen. Ad Man Trenton gets informed and he immediately thinks that tennis bastard wrecked his house and kidnapped his wife and son. (Where's Liam Neeson when you need him?) His business partner is worried and sympathetic. Looks like the partner will have to go to New York and pitch the ad alone. Meanwhile, Abused Wifey Camber realizes her sister has changed. More interested in her money and possessions than her poor past. The abused wifey decides she won't divorce her husband and she'll try to fight the good fight or whatever. Again, no need to worry about that, you lucky little. I mean first the lottery and then this easy out of an abusive marriage? Unless the guy isn't dead. Actually, Stephen King never did confirm whether the mechanic died. We just left with the cliffhanger that he got his balls chewed off and that's it. Argh. It would be just like King to have that drunk mechanic recovering in a hospital or something in the epilogue.

As if it couldn't get any worse, King decides to have poor little Tad have some kind of epileptic fit in the car. His mom can't do anything more than try to keep him from choking on his tongue. She's really angry, swearing at the dog, wanting to kill him. How about putting the words to action, lady? Where the hell are the super mothering instincts like those women who lift cars off their babies? There's about 50 pages left and Ad Man Trenton is finally on his way home so I can only hope they hang on until he gets there and somehow figures out they're at the mechanic's house and somehow doesn't get attacked by the still determined, wounded dog. We get some plucky, detective deducing centered around his wife's missing car. It's kind of interesting to read (would be more so if this were a detective novel) but at the risk of overdrawing this overdrawn book summary, one of the detectives decide to check the mechanic's house to see if Desperate Housewife Trenton's car is there.

The sheriff is sent to check on the mechanic's house and he's surprised to see the car and the woman are there. He's even more surprised by the snarling dog that rushes to greet him. With his teeth. The sheriff didn't call in the sighting (it was procedure and he didn't do it! He's doomed them all!) so now his intestines are hanging out of his body. Looks like that sheriff is now in The Dead Zone. Ahaha... that was awful. Not that he's dead but the joke. And also the book. It's always worth repeating that The Dead Zone was a horrible read. Kind of like this book is turning out to be. Either Mrs. Weak-Ass sprinter makes a run for it while the dog is munching on town cop or she and her son are gonna die. It's hotter than a pyrokinetic's rage and poor little Tad is on his last throes of life because of dehydration.

Final rundown as we near the end: Ad Man Trenton's business partner calls with some good news - they're keeping the big Sharp account for another two years. The detective also found that tennis bum and got him to confess to destroying Trenton's house but not kidnapping his wife and son. Mr. Trenton has some weird freak out when he looks at his son's closet which may or may not be haunted by the spirit of freaky cop rapist. He drives up to the mechanic's house to check things for himself just as his wife is finally nutting up and ready to tap into the fight part of her fight or flight response. Time to make some PETA enthusiasts angry. The desperate housewife desperately grabs a bat (not the kind that bit the dog) that had been in the grass this whole time and starts swinging. She gets the dog in the stomach, in the head and the dog keeps coming at her. She's hitting so hard it splits the baseball bat and then the splintered part gets embedded in the dogs eye. After all that waiting, she finally beat Cujo. And her husband is pulling up too! They're saved!

Or rather just the mother is saved. Tad didn't make it. His mother makes it but not the little four year old who's so wise for his years. I just... I can't... Especially after the recent Connecticut thing. This is unfortunate. I'm not happy. I can rage and text-yell and curse Stephen King but I really should've seen this coming. He always kills off characters I like. He did it in The Dead Zone, he did it in The Stand, he did it in Carrie. And the ad exec takes back his wife which is juuuuust great. Isn't it just great? Donna Trenton, you have failed at being a faithful wife, you have failed at being a protective mother, and you have failed at being dog food. And yet you still have your breadwinner husband to love you. I hope you have that guilt festering inside you for the rest of your lousy life. I wash my hands of yet another despicable female character from the depths of Stephen King's horrible, bastard imagination.

Also, Brett gets himself a new puppy. He's grieving his miserable, alcoholic, mechanic daddy (thank CHRIST for small favors) and his mom is pretty happy about it, just like his mom's sister is happy to be rid of her black sheep family who's so poor they couldn't afford nine frickin' dollars to vaccinate a Saint Bernard. So even the rich sister is unlikable. Nearly every character in this book has a shade of unlikability. Except for the toddler who died. And just to twist the knife of anger and sadness for the dog-lovers reading this (and why would you read this?), there's a line about how Cujo always tried to be a good dog and would give his life for his family if not for that rabies disease. Just think of how miserable and confused the poor dog was as he attacked the people he loved without knowing why. It's just... no.

Thank you, Dead Zone, for tainting yet another Stephen King book. Though you are still number one on my crap list, looks like you've got yourself a number two. Geez, I need some Beethoven to wash away this tale of Saint Bernard bitterness and suckage. Also, Happy Holidays.

Christine

I hope any American readers had a nice Thanksgiving. I know I did. What's better than eating a giant meal until you want to puke? Reading a horror story that has the potential to make you puke. Today I'm summarizing/recapping a book about a killer car and I have very little to no knowledge of cars (even if I do check out Top Gear on occasion). Luckily, besides automobiles, the main theme of this book is music. I suppose I can see the connection. Music and cars go together like cookies and milk or monsters and Maine. There are nearly fifty different copyrighted lyrics in this book and I would've listened to each song as I read each chapter but my laziness barely allowed me to hold the book to my face. Let's overdose on diesel-powered manliness!

***

Part One: Dennis—Teenage Car-Songs

There's a prologue before the first part and it seems Stephen King has made useless prologues an artform. This prologue only serves to give a bit of backstory for one of the protagonists, Arnie Cunningham (a nerdy gearhead). It also mentions a "love triangle" and since it's told by the best friend in past tense, much like 'Carrie', we can assume the high school horrors have already passed and this guy survives. How many times must I say these kind of flashback narrations eliminate much of the suspense? The guy who's narrating, who's already lived through it so I have no reason to worry about him, is named Dennis. And he can tell this story with certainty because he was there when his scrawny friend, Arnie, first saw Christine. You can probably guess that Christine is the car and that the car is part of the "love triangle" mentioned in the prologue. Nobody Google "guy loves car". Trust me.

The literal object of Arnie's affections is a 1958 Plymouth Fury. The fury part kicks in when his friend tries to talk him out of buying a clunker but it is in vain. The nerdy kid is apparently in love with the car and he's just lucky TLC specials didn't exist back in the late 1970s. The car's old owner, Mr. LeBay, is a seventy year old, racist war vet with a back brace (A French surname paired with rudeness? Color me shocked). After Arnie puts down his deposit, he goes home and he gets into an argument with his parents about it. Now, Arnie's parents are of the "high expectations" type with the mother being particularly controlling. But when Arnie threatens to flunk out, they back down. Narrator Dennis is surprised at this sudden backbone Arnie has grown. I bet that's not the only bone he's grown for Christine. Yeah. Guy humor. I think y'know what I mean.

On their way to work (they're only in high school but work in some kind of construction gig), Arnie finally sort of explains his love-at-first sight reaction to the tin can on wheels. he sees the beauty underneath the ugly, broken car. Symbolism! It would be very touching if the car wasn't evil. It hasn't done anything evil yet, but when Narrator Dennis sits in the driver's seat, he gets some weird vision of the car back when it was shiny and new in the 1950s. As soon as he starts hearing the car talking to him, he gets out pretty quickly. That counts as weird. And everyone knows weird is the precursor to eeeeviiiil. Naturally when Arnie gets in, the clunker doesn't start up. But after some sweet talking and heavy duty stroking (aww yeah), he gets that Plymouth warmed up (I'll bet he does!) and starts rolling along, a cloud of exhaust helpfully marking his path. The old owner is pretty sad to see his junker go but I'm sure he's cheered up by the three hundred cash he got from a kid who'll have to fork over hundreds more just to fix it up to mediocre level.

The rust bucket gets a flat in front of some cranky woman's house and Narrator Dennis leaves to buy a replacement tire for his friend. He takes the time to muse on his senior year and his fears about life beyond. I can sympathize with that. Most teenagers' biggest fears revolve around adulthood and the land beyond. Upon return, Narrator Dennis has to physically restrain the cranky woman's husband from beating up Arnie because he won't move his metallic eyesore. As soon as they get the smoking junk heap to a shady rent-by-hour garage, the garage jockey gets in Arnie's face since he's one of the few people who dislikes young punks more than me. I don't think a skinny, quiet nerd is much trouble to a garage where illegal gambling, smoking, and other crap goes down. Narrator Dennis and me can only feel sorry for Arnie and curse his stupid blind love for Christine the Clunker Queen.

Narrator Dennis takes his friend home but not before letting the nerdy kid have a good long cry with the occasional profanity-laced rant. Whatever makes you feel better about buying a crud-car, kid. Later that night, Dennis has a nightmare about the car and feels nothing but bad feelings for "Christine the Junk Queen" (He said almost the same thing I said before! Great minds think alike.) His parents worry about him, like normal, caring parents do, and his sister brats at him, like normal, younger siblings do. The only thing that's changing in this promising teenager's life is his friend. Arnie is running errands for the garage jockey and working on that car like Narrator Dennis is working on his cheerleader girlfriend. Teenagers and hormones, people. Things go well enough for a few weeks and then Arnie shows up with a black eye.

Of course the school bully is at that illegal garage. Because why should this scrawny kid have any peace with his piece (of crap)? It's the same school bully who likes to pick on Arnie for fun and he's friends with the garage jockey to boot. When the school bully breaks one of Christine's headlights, Arnie attacks with nerdy, spastic fury but he still ends up the worse of the two after the fight. The garage jockey kicks Arnie out of his garage and that damn nerd is more worried about where he'll park his car (his parents refuse to let him bring it home) than what'll happen when the school bully confronts him with back-up. Narrator Dennis brings up all my points but Arnie just gets all dead-eyed, saying he'll do what he can. Someone needs to beat some sense into that kid. Oh wait...

That old racist veteran is dead. Narrator Dennis finds out when he gets the bright idea to store the car in Veteran LeBay's garage. Arnie is probably the most upset out of all the funeral attendants. Even after Veteran LeBay's brother tells Arnie how he called Arnie a sucker for buying that car. Arnie doesn't seem to care. I bet he could insult his Grandma Cunningham and he'd still shrug and ask about the car garage. The brother doesn't seem to care about Arnie's predicament and doesn't want to rent out LeBay's garage. He gives some good advice on getting rid of the car and Narrator Dennis decides to confront the guy, away from Arnie, to get the whole story on the car and the car's former owner.

And it's quite a story. In a rundown motel, we learn how Not-Yet Veteran LeBay and his siblings grew up poor with an alcoholic father. LeBay had anger issues, hurting his younger brother and refusing to back down from his father's beat downs. The angry LeBay only found steady work in the army, fixing cars and other vehicles. Then Army Man LeBay finally saved enough money to buy himself a shiny, sports car; a Plymouth Fury. LeBay loved that car more than his own family. Yes, Christine's former owner was married and he had a daughter. Both of whom died in the cursed car. The daughter choked on a burger in the backseat and the depressed mother committed suicide via exhaust inhalation in the front. Hmm. That's not really all that evil. If the car accidentally rolled over the girl or somehow electrocuted the mother, maybe we'd have something. In any case, after losing his family, Officially Veteran Status LeBay went into seclusion. He lived off his army pension and stowed his beloved car in the garage. Until the day he decided to take it out and put a 'For Sale' sign. Thus that little story within the story ends.

Narrator Dennis gets home and calls Arnie. Apparently that fat, bully-friendly garage jockey kicked out the school bully and offered Arnie a job at his place, cutting his renting rate in half as payment. To what do we owe such a startling flip-flop in attitude? Arnie will not say nor does he care, as long as he has a place to fix up Christine. Narrator Dennis warns his friend to not get involved with any shady shenanigans and Arnie plays dumb. Right. He's only playing dumb. His dad overhears their phone call and does the whole "You know you can tell me anything" routine. Narrator Dennis doesn't want to burden his dad with mere suspicions but his dad confides that his suspicions are right on. The garage jockey is doing more money laundering than a basement in Little Italy. He knows because he worked for the mob boss wannabe and decided he didn't want to go to jail in the unforeseen future. Narrator Dennis is proud of his father. Proud enough to picture him banging his mother without embarrassment. Awww... yeah? Umm. Wow. That Stephen King is quite the wordsmith.

While Arnie goes on vacation with his parents, our dear Narrator heads over to the garage of illicit ickyness and checks on Christine's progress. First impressions show very little improvement. Narrator Dennis notices that a dent he saw on the car before isn't there anymore. Not like buffed out or painted but just gone, like it was never there. Also, the crack in the windshield is slightly smaller and he can't get to the hood because the cars locks are down. Ooohh so spooky. When the fat garage jockey comes to throw his ass out, Narrator Dennis drops his father's name and suddenly he's invited into the office to talk about Arnie's work and the school bully's dismissal. Christine is mentioned and it turns out Veteran LeBay brought the car in to that garage back in the day. The garage jockey promises not to tell Arnie about his friend's little visit. A jealous, suspicious nerd is one of the worst types of nerds there are; right after gamer nerds. (I think that just about lost me any male demographic I had going with my double entendre jokes.)

The narrator of this story is a football player, thus a jock. Nerds and jocks friends? This goes against all the stereotypes Stephen King has taught me about high school. I only mention this because Narrator Dennis' football team get on a losing streak. He blames it on a dream about Christine. I'm over a quarter into this book and I have yet to see anything truly evil or cursed from that car. Just some nervous feelings from an overly friendly jock narrator. If anything, that car has the magical ability to cure Arnie's acne and make him more focused. He actually attracts the attention of a beautiful transfer student named Leigh. About time the third side of this triangle appears. Didn't expect her to be some flawless model for Vogue, judging by the narrator's description. The same narrator who says his friend looks pretty good now that his face cleared up. Still, I have to think that the most beautiful girl in the whole school would go after someone of equal or greater attractiveness. This is like those sitcoms where the fat idiot has a hot wife, and those two haven't even exchanged phone numbers yet.

Forget the possible romance, we're about to have ourselves another familiar high school staple. A school yard fight! Return of the school bully and he has Arnie cornered with a large switchblade. He's bringing a knife to a fistfight, booo! Cheater! And the students feel the same as they chant that he drop the knife and fight fair. Never have I seen more honorable spectators of bloody sport. Arnie takes his chance to step on the bully's foot and when one of the bully's cronies starts to gang up on Arnie, Narrator Dennis delivers a swift kick to the ass. Like the closest thing to butt sex without penetration and nudity. Another crony goes for the narrator's nuts and gives them a vice grip squeeze! This is like S&M fighting right here. A teacher finally arrives to break it up and after being informed of the switchblade, and knowing the bully's track record, the teacher threatens police involvement. The bully leaves, settling on expulsion instead.

Are you ready for some fooootbaaaall? Well too bad. I'm skipping the out-of-town October game and going straight to the first major fight between the two friends. Arnie invited the Beautiful Leigh to the latest football game at one of their rival schools. Narrator Dennis is jealous and wishes she was with him but that's not what the fight is about since the jock Narrator is still a devoted enough friend to be happy for Arnie. The fight is about Christine, and the fact that Arnie found out he went to the garage when Arnie wasn't there. He thinks his concerned, jock friend is on the Cunninghams' side in wanting to control Arnie and talk him out of keeping Christine. Narrator Dennis tries to argue that he's not spying on him and he worries about what he's getting into with the garage jockey, especially with all the unnamed favors he's doing for the fat man. Arnie insists he has it under control and for the moment, the argument dies down. I haven't seen a dead-eyed outcast this obsessed with a Christine since the masked phantom with the voice of an angel.

So, Narrator Dennis keeps dropping hints that his football season would start off bad and get worse (his team won the day that Arnie was there with his new girlfriend). He also mentioned how he wouldn't be there for the end of the season. And now we find out why. After another conversation where he worries for Arnie and Arnie waves it off, Narrator Dennis goes off to play another crappy match against their rivals. During that football match, he gets tackled by three different guys and I don't know what kind flimsy padding they had back in the late 70s but the tackle breaks his legs, his arm, his spine and he's in a coma until Christmas. When he wakes up, he finds his worried family and lots of well wishers plus the news that he'll never play football again. That's one way to get out of a losing season.

Even with all these teenage bombshells, he still manages to think about that damn car. Look, I like tension-building paranoia as much as the next tin-foil wearing loony but we're going into part 2 with more evidence that the car is actually good luck (the first game they scored was when Arnie and his car were there) than it being some creepy Satanmobile. Also, the Narrator laments that he's falling more in love with his buddy's gorgeous honey-haired girlfriend and this reminds of a similar dilemma where the pretty girl who was with the nerd ended up with the amiable jock and the nerd went all evil (The Stand). I didn't care for the girl in that book and I hope Miss Perfect Mary Sue doesn't end up the same.

Part Two: Arnie—Teenage Love-Songs

These parts are quite dash-heavy. Makes me want to pepper in some extra dashes. - – ― ↔ Look my lines are growing! Just like Arnie's love for Christine and his dislike for his parents. The Cunninghams get into an even bigger argument than the one where Arnie first told them he bought a new car. His mother gets called out on her overbearing stubborness and how she always has things her way even at home. It looks like Arnie's daddy is a bit whipped. Arnie tries to offer a compromise of keeping his grades up and getting more money back into his account since he used up nearly half his savings in fixing up the car that's still rusty but running. Arnie's mom refuses and after she gives the oh so dramatic slap and cry, Arnie leaves.

His father is close behind and tries to offer his own compromise. He'll pay for his son to park at the airport (a 30-day pass is 5 bucks! Holy...!) but he has to be more rational about the car obsession. And if he plans to go to an out-of-state college, he'll have his car then, and he'll be away from the controlling fist of his mother. After some reluctance, and more cursing and angry ranting than a drunken sailor in Thailand, Arnie agrees and they park the car at the airport, taking the bus home. Too bad Arnie didn't recognize the airport parking attendant as a friend of his high school bully. And that bully really grates on me with his nickname for Arnie. I'm sure guys love to bust out Carlin's seven dirty words but one of the few words I can't stand on that list is the 'C' word. You know the one (if you're Australian). And boy does this bully like to say it. It's not Stephen King's first use of the word; the 'N' word and the 'F' word get thrown around at least once in every book I've read. I usually ignore it and don't report it out of politeness/prudishness but this is just overusing and annoying me more and more until I'm itching to kick the bully in his 'C' word. No, the other one. You know the one (if you're English... or a rooster wrangler).

Speaking of 'C' words, looks like Christine is ruining the mood up on Lover's Mountain of Relative Isolation and Darkness for Intercourse Purposes. The beautiful, sweet, funny, and apparently virginal Leigh doesn't want to do it in the car because she feels like the car is watching them. She doesn't get as far as implying she doesn't like the car before Arnie gets annoyed. Dude, you've got the holy grail of girlfriends and you're offended she'd rather have sex in a bed than in the back of a death car? He drives her home and Arnie seems to be more like himself when he's not in that car. It took Alluring Leigh proclaiming she loved him for the car nerd to realize, hey, maybe this enthusiasm for the car that popped out of no where is not totally healthy. What's more, he doesn't remember doing half the repairs on the car that seems to be aging backward. He doesn't even remember driving the car back to the airport lot. Christine may be a jealous mistress but she knows how to get your mind of your troubles and she handles beautifully in the winter sleet. This is like the first stage in a relationship with a crazy ex-girlfriend.

Lovely and Lonesome Leigh gets an unexpected visit from a certain jealous car. Lovely Leigh is scared because her cat fight opponent has about two tons on her. Actually, can you really call it a "cat fight" if one of the participants is a mode of transportation? The car does its engine growl and Foxy Leigh gets her claws out, demands that it leave. It does and this non-cat fight is over. Let's see if the school bully can add some excitement. He finally pays a visit to Christine at the airport. And he's brought his buddies, some alcohol and some cocaine. Just a regular, late-70s airport scene. Time to scare that jealous junker a bit. The book stays on the guilty airport attendant but he hears enough bangs and yelling to know that car is getting banged. Hah. There's the usual smashed windows, dented body, and torn up fender. But the steaming cherry on top is the little surprise left on the dashboard and I have to commend Stephen King on his cheeky way of illustrating that without actually saying it. At least not right away. (spoiler alert: they crapped on it!)

Arnie and his mom get into another argument and he flings accusations while she just cries in shock. Getting some background on her has me feeling a bit sorry for the overbearing woman. Damn it , King. Let me hate someone fully. I guess I still have the bully. (Unintended rhyme, woo.) And it looks like Dazzling Leigh visited Dennis in the hospital and told him what happened. No longer Narrator Dennis, since this part isn't in his point of view, the jock who may have a limp for life has feelings for her. She tells him  how Arnie is going to school then going to the garage, and then going home to sleep, nothing else. Well, except for the occasional illegal errand he's running for the garage jockey to pay off any equipment and garage fees. The cops were called but Arnie wants to take justice into his own hands. Please do it soon, you car-maniac, we're nearly halfway into the book and the only deaths we got were via flashback.

It's Thanksgiving when Arnie finally visits his friend. Timely! I'm reading this part a day after Thanksgiving. It's like old times with them joking around and eating turkey on Wonder bread.  The candles add an extra touch of class and unintended [b]romance. When he brings up the car, the good mood pretty much vanishes. Arnie tries to put on a polite front but he seems cold and distant. There's a moment of recognition and warmth when Dennis asks his friend if he's alright but then it's gone. Because he's apparently turning into Veteran LeBay. Arnie even has himself a back brace like the vet did because he screwed it up working on the car. Dennis asks Arnie to sign his cast and after Arnie leaves, he compares signatures. One from before Arnie's car was totaled and he went crazy, and the recent one. So I guess the angry, old veteran had slightly neater penmanship? I'll be sure to eye any calligraphers with suspicion.

Finally we have our first sign of the cruelty that is Christine. And when you think about it, it's not so much cruelty as it is rightful vengeance. The first of the group of bully cokeheads is targeted around 1 am, after he panhandled some money at a concert. He spots Christine and is shocked she's running since the job they did on her should have put her out of comission.  In addition to the smashes and dents, they put sugar and beer and all kinds of crap that cannot be easily fixed in a few holiday weeks. But after the car chases and runs over the jingling panhandler idiot, we finally get a good description of what Dennis and Arnie have suspected. The car can repair itself. All the damage and blood it got from repeatedly running over one of the bully's cronies (and why kill, when you can overkill?) has disappeared in a whacky rewind manner where the dents pop out and the blood spashes off. I'm sorry, evil or not, that car is pretty kickass. It even parks itself back in its garage spot and left behind a tidy thirty dollars in that mangled, loose change piñata.

Arnie's mother is looking older, blaming herself and worried her son is taking drugs. Arnie's father is all aged and loathing his wife, worried his son is a murderer. Arnie himself is worried he's losing it because he doesn't remember fixing up his car and yet it's good as new. He's scared about the panhandler's murder and it doesn't help when he gets a visit from a detective who suspects Arnie is hiding something. Arnie almost tells him the truth but the ghost of the cranky veteran kicks him in the back and has him giving out smooth lies until the detective leaves. Some semblance of the old Arnie is still freaked out by all this and he calls his girlfriend, the Gorgeous Even When Grieving Leigh. He wants to come clean with her but phantom back pains prevent it, for some reason. If he wasn't a weak little chicken, he'd blurt out the truth and damn the back consequences. Couldn't be something that a pack of ice and some Ben-Gay can't fix. They make plans to go out and Arnie seems to be torn between his two ladies. Ones a well-built, classical model that occasionally leaks and the other is a car. Zing!

The little shopping date starts out very nice. They're cutesy and jokey and coupley and then they pick up a hitchhiker. The hitchhiker seems pretty cool but then Arnie acts a different sort of "cool" before making a pit-stop at McDonalds. Hottie Horror Bait Leigh is a bit nervous about being alone with the male hitchhiker. Not to worry, this isn't that kind of horror book. The hitchhiker notices Arnie's sullen demeanor and then feels "bad vibes" and a bad smell from the car. When Arnie comes back, the smell goes away and she starts eating. Then she has the most overly panicked choking fit I've ever read. She nearly blacks out but luckily, the hitchhiker knew the Heimlich Maneuver and after much crying, Delicate Damsel Leigh gives Arnie an ultimatum. It's her or the car. She's convinced it's cursed because of the rotten smell and how the car seems to watch her, plus she nearly died choking in it. Arnie rightly calls her on those stupid sounding excuses. But the less stupid ones are that Arnie knew the Heimlich and he also smelled the stink of evil. He loses his case when he starts to curse at her and drives off. I guess he's taking the "all girls want assholes" theory to heart. Damn. This book is making me all immature with the cursing. Shit, piss, tits- No. I will not succumb. (Suck cum? Hahaha. Oh, damn it.)

After an interlude where nothing exciting happens (Dennis is getting better in his therapy and Exquisitely Enchanting Leigh is doing poorly in school because a killer car haunts her dreams), we get to another big vengeance chapter. The school bully is drunk driving and in low spirits because his ex-school team lost yet another game. Also he keeps having nightmares about Christine. He's got one of his cohorts and an impressionable new kid in his car. Christine starts following them on the snowy mountain roads and she's got a score to settle. The car chase is badass and all but I was hoping she'd pick each member off, one by one. What can I say? I like to savor my vengeance. But for once, Stephen King doesn't gloss over the details, and the leader of the bunch, the school bully who doesn't care for racist jokes but loves him some misogyny, is saved for last. His car does a barrel roll and explodes into flames, which should keep the delinquents trapped inside warm on such a cold, December night. The schoool bully begs for his life and Christine takes her sweet time toying with him. Even with smashed up legs and punctured lungs, the school bully thinks he has a chance of surviving but it's all gone when he sees the ghost of Veteran LeBay. Bye bye, bully.

It should come to the surprise of no one that the fat garage jockey has health problems and has had them for years. He's in his office when he sees Christine's garage stall empty. He gets some heebie jeebies and does some thinking about his life, like all King characters do, and after going to sleep in his office, he wakes up to see the car drive into its stall, all shiny and new with no one at the driver's wheel. Suffice to say he's kinda freaked out. Meanwhile, Arnie is having a lousy day topped off with a near breakdown. He ends up at a pizza shop after some cruising he doesn't remember doing. He calls his dad who tells him that detective came by again to ask about the deaths of those bullies up in the mountains. While many label it drunk driving accident, Arnie is still rattled about it. He then calls and tries to apologize to his girlfriend because God knows he's never going to do any better than her but he fails when he chooses the car over her. He knows something is wrong but he's a junkie for the junker.

The detective meets Arnie at the shop and his suspicions are higher than ever. New evidence shows that a second car was involved in the supposed drunk driving accident and he found the same shade of red paint as Christine's at both scenes of the crime. Arnie gets nervous but as soon as he's touching the car, he's as cool as a cucumber. And he throws around a curse word or two because he's a gear head. Fuck yeah, manliness (... Did I just type the 'F' word?). Guh. The former chess champion genius thinks it's smart to run some drugs for his garage jockey boss when the detective is still suspicious and watchful. After warrants get served and the garage jockey get taken into custody, Arnie gets caught with illegal tax-free cigarettes in New York City. Illegal tax-free cigarettes? Really?? Shit, I'm disappointed on so many levels.

On Christmas Eve, Dennis finally gets released from the hospital and Arnie and his parents go to his aunt's house for Christmas. If this little family outing read awkward it was only because they had to bail him out of jail. The cops were willing to let Arnie go if he gave them information on his garage jockey boss but Arnie won't squeal on the guy who has Christine in his garage clutches. Arnie says that burden of proof is on the cops and he'd likely get away on probation. Looks like he watches as many crime shows as I do. As for Arnie's former girlfriend, she's enjoying Christmas Eve a little less than Arnie. She's the only one who's alone because her parents are off having drinks with a boss or something. How thoughtful. She's all nervous and not just because the snow storm outside is getting worse. I've always liked a White Christmas but I suppose when it starts knocking down decorations and taking down traffic lights, it's a bit too much.

We now return to The New Adventures of Cold Christine already in progress. One last member of the bully's crash crew remains (technically two, if you count the parking attendant at the airport who had enough sense to skip town after the first death). The last man standing is working the gas pumps on Christmas Eve during a blizzard. Christine would be doing this dude a favor by running him over. But that guy was just an appetizer. Time for a fat, greasy, main course called, Will Darnell. Or Arnie's garage jockey boss. This car may have supernatural self-repair powers but it can't seem to make it over a snowbank in one shot. And the grease monkey, with the inhalor and the heart condition, watches like a dumb cow as the car backs up and runs at his house, over and over, until the house wall breaks. The garage jockey tries to call Arnie, and then the police but doesn't get through. He runs upstairs when the car's already inside and practically spinning donuts in his damn living room. The fat garage jockey suffers a heart attack and Christine finishes him off before driving back to his garage. She's the junker of justice, ladies and gentlemen.

Part Three: Christine—Teenage Death-Songs

I like to think the death songs of the 1970s are the emo songs of today. Now in myyyy remaaaains. Are promises that never came. Except this siiiilent raiiiin. To wash away the wooorst of meeee... I can't believe it took me this long to stick a lyric into my recap. And Linkin Park to boot. Oh well. With all the deaths in the love-songs chapter, I have to wonder what's in store for this chapter. The first change I see is that we're back to first person narration with Dennis back in the Narrator's role. I guess he couldn't have narrated the parts about the brutal killings and Arnie going mental while he was in a coma. Anyway, the heavenly host of hotness herself comes over to visit and I bet Narrator Dennis wishes he didn't have all those casts on him.

They have the house to themselves and talk about the car. Sorrowfully Stunning Leigh bursts into tears yet again and Narrator Dennis offers tissues and the arm without a cast. This looks like the third part in the Dennis System. She tells him about the rancid death smell and he tells her about the former car owner's family dying in the car, as well as the different signatures on his casts. Then they kiss. And I can understand. For the first time, I can understand why two characters would betray a nice boy like that. Mainly because he's not the nice boy anymore and hell, he has Christine, so why not let these two pretty people have each other. They could do a killer double date. Maybe go to a drive-in. Let's crank up some emo death metal about betrayal.

Narrator Dennis and Wonderful In Every Way Leigh do some investigating and find out what any ten year old could've figured out halfway into this book; Arnie is turing into Veteran LeBay right down to the handwriting. Something new we find out is that Narrator Dennis' dad likes to make toys. An accountant with a whimsical side? My word! His dad tells him that he's seen Arnie around, looking all aged and haunted. He suspects his son may be growing close to Arnie's ex and just warns him to be careful and not tell Arnie about it. I guess hos replace bros if the bro goes crazy, curmudgeon-style. He calls the secretary of some old War League that Veteran LeBay was part of. They didn't like Veteran LeBay either but they provided the funeral services because he was a member and all. After a story about the malice of LeBay and the strangeness of Christine, Narrator Dennis gets the address of Veteran LeBay's brother.

It's not until the New Year that Narrator Dennis sees his friend again. While spending the new year at his friend's house, Narrator Dennis notices how different Arnie is. More vulgar and old-looking, and drinking like a fish. An alcoholic fish. Arnie doesn't want to go to college, instead planning to be car mechaninc in Florida, and he wants his girlfriend to come with him. Yeah that freaks out our philandering Narrator. Arnie jumps to conclusions that his friend might be after his girlfriend (dude doesn't even realize they've broken up). These conclusions are very much correct but Narrator Dennis is encouraged to lie through his teeth about it. After watching the ball drop, Arnie drives his nervous friend home and Narrator Dennis has the trippiest trip he's ever tripped. The car smells like death and feels alive but outside the car windows. their neighborhood has reverted to its 1950s state and Arnie keeps changing into the rotting corpse of Veteran LeBay. Blame it on the alcohol but Arnie drank twice as much and he's not hallucinating like a novice taking his first bong hit.

A few days after that crazy New Year's, Dennis finds out that the detective investigating Arnie was murdered. A car wreck, and the first official death of the New Years and this chapter, dedicated to death-songs. Let me bust out the party horn blower. After a brief and understandable, "Screw it, I'm out" moment, Narrator Dennis thinks of his family and Precious Baby Girl Leigh's family and what would happen if any of them got Arnie mad. He calls Veteran LeBay's brother, I guess to get the story off his chest and learn of a few more details regarding that angry veteran. Like how he killed two bullies all on his own and may not have done all he could to save his choking daughter and how his wife knew even less about cars than I did, especially not to attach one end of a hose to the exhaust and stick the other end in the driver's seat with her inside. Even though he won't admit it out loud, Veteran LeBay's brother knows Christine is evil and he's fine with Dennis destroying the car once and for all. Good luck there, limpy.

Over the next two weeks or so, Narrator Dennis and Hottie Hot Hot Leigh get cozy. Conspiring on how to destroy your friend/ex's murder-car tends to bring people close. They make out behind a KFC (the sexiest of all the fast food places specializing in chicken) when they're spotted by Arnie. Oh snap. A possessed nerd vs. a jock with a cast on his foot. What's the opposite of a cat fight? A dog fight? A tiger fight? Oh, nevermind. Arnie just screams obscenities and drives off in Christine. *coughpussycough* Once again, teenage hormones has screwed Dennis over. And not in the good way. Getting caught was the kick to the butt they needed to get a plan together. Dennis makes a few phone calls, and it looks like it's all going down at the illicit garage Christine used to be parked at. He calls the prettiest bait this side of Pennsylvania, and they mourn Arnie, talking about how they both loved him in their own way. Okay, I'm just going to say it. Arnie doesn't seem like such a big deal. Pre-eviling, the guy was a pimply, skinny nerd with a stupid, sarcastic sense of humor, obsessive tendencies and a small-wage job. I could throw a rock in any U.S city and hit three guys that match that description - at least. Maybe not all of them with the job part. (Ooh, fiscal recession burn!)

At school, Narrator Dennis cordially invites Arnie to his old boss' garage. He tries to talk to his friend, telling him to fight the spirit of Veteran LeBar possessing him. For a moment, Arnie does but there's still a couple dozen pages left and let's face it, Arnie couldn't win a splash fight in an ocean. That's phase one of the plan. Phase two involves our injured Narrator renting a giant, pink tanker truck named Petunia. What is it with old guys naming their vehicles female names? The book mentions something about this too but we're nearing the end so it's no use bringing it up now. Narrator Dennis meets up with Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Leigh and they take the pink truck (which they plan to use to destroy Christine, somehow). He calls Arnie's father to find out if Arnie left. Arnie has in fact gone college touring with his mother. Apparently, everytime Arnie leaves (and has an alibi), the car of death goes on its vengeance run. Arnie's father finally seems to realize this and he wants to know everything. Narrator Dennis promises to tell him after it's all over.

We're on to phase three, hopefully the final phase. They get to the garage and have trouble opening the garage door because it's iced over. Why couldn't this rampage have gone down in the spring? Narrator Dennis manages to fall down and bust his leg all over again; the same leg he needs to use the clutch on the truck. And I have no idea what a clutch is or does but it seems like it's near the break pedal since he's now using a squeegee mop to maneuver it. They wait for Christine. Narrator Dennis pops some pain pills for his aching leg and gets all fuzzy-headed. Because that's exactly the state you want to be in when you're operating heavy machinery and confronting a killer car once and for all. It looks like he may gotten some sexy sex from the sexiest sexpot since Marilyn Monroe's cookware, though he can't quite remember. Those pills are just ruining everything, aren't they? The one time I'm anticipating some nice, pre-battle sexyness and the Narrator can't remember. And I had to read an apocalyptic preggo bang a Texan gas guy about a dozen times like a month ago. Stephen King is a c-word tease.

Big showdown time and right away, Christine has the upper hand. 'Daaaamn Girl' Leigh has opened the garage door to let in the car but nearly gets run over. Using her invisible wings because she's either an angel or a fantastic gymnast (either way, her future boyfriend is luuucky) she jumps up and holds onto some kind of metal tubes that were all around the the garage.  Narrator Dennis finally introduces Christine to the pink tanker. Christine meet Petunia. All four and a half tons of her. There's much excitement and some auto terminology about clutches stalling and engines flooding which have me thinking America's Next Top Leigh is gonna join her fellow angels very soon. This is the chapter dedicated to death, after all. (And we know, the friggin' narrator survives). She's frightened and injured and in a daze. She needs some cold water or something to snap her out of it. What's this? Arnie's father is in Christine's passenger seat, dead from carbon monoxide poisoning? Better than cold water, I'd think. The chapter of death claims a second victim!

With her head bleeding, Christine's latest, fine-ass target makes it to the garage office. No matter how many times Narrator Dennis hits the car, it still regenerates. Narrator Dennis uses his bad leg to handle the clutch after his mop snaps in two (stupid, shoddy '70s cleaning products). He finally aims for Christine's gas tank and the red she-demon leaks out before finally sputtering to a stop, as does Dennis. When he wakes up from unconciousness, they do the same smashy, smashy bumper cars bit again, with OMGFMLeigh helping this time. That car is tough. But it seems to be dead the second time. Yeah sure. Either way, that's as much smashing as they can do because the cops and an ambulance arrive and soon Dennis is in the hospital again. Luckily he didn't rebreak his head and luckily, his partner in crime, Ms. America, didn't get any injuries to her perfect, porcelain face. (Since we're near the end, I must admit that coming up with new, crazier ways to describe her prettiness amused me.)

A police officer arrives to get the whole story from our Narrator. He learns that Arnie and his mom died in a car crash. Apparently the ghost of Veteran LeBay flew to the interstate and after a bit of a struggle, crashed the family car. So the entire Cunningham clan is dead. That brings our death tally up to four, not counting Christine (and I think you all know why I'm not counting that crazy bitch). The police officer seems to believe our Narrator's story, largely because he was good friends with the previous detective who died and got too close to the case. Narrator Dennis narrates his tale to his father and finally here in this book.

The epilogue takes place four years after, still narrated by Dennis. He tells us that after two years of dating, Leigh and Dennis grew apart. Damn it, King! Every time I grow invested in a couple... I guess I can understand why. After all the crap they've been through, the bad memories can never really fade. The cop he told his story to took great pleasure it crushing up Christine's mangled wreck into a cube. But we don't know what happened to the cube. Dennis still has dreams about his friend and the car. Then he reads an article that leaves him uneasy. The airport parking attendant who skipped town was killed in California. A car drove straight into the movie theater he worked at. Daaaamn. And there you have it. Christine, the Lean, Mean, Vengeance Machine.

***

Well this was an interesting read. I started out reading this with the impression of an evil car. All those parodies of evil cars came from this menacing Fury-mobile. And yes, the car is a killer but it's also pretty damn cool. It killed off those drinking bullies and it made a man out of Arnie. The real villain was that army veteran, LeBay. I feel like a good exorcism would've solved their problem and then Arnie would've had the wheels and the girl. But then this would be no more than a typical high school melodrama about a guy in love with his best friend's girl. Though, actually that sounds kind of interesting too. With cursing, cars, and old fashioned rock and roll, this book will probably appeal to the guys, the girls, and the secretly possessed machinery. And on that bombshell, I end my post. Thanks for reading!

Firestarter

Happy Autumn to the east coasters reading this (Woo! leaves changing colors!) Happy NaNoWriMo to the literary fans reading this (Woo! I'll totally finish that story I started a year ago). And happy Movember to any guys who stumbled onto this blog hoping for something more entertaining. Not sure what growing mustaches have to do with prostate cancer awareness but I support men keeping their butts fine and healthy.

With that out of the way, I'm tackling a new Stephen King book. After a well-deserved break (one new book a week is very tiring; especially when they vary in length and quality), I picked up a book about a psychic and a pyro with the ballsiest character being a seven/eight year old girl. And it's not divided into three parts. The last book that just had labelled chapters like this was 'Salem's Lot and I enjoyed that book quite a bit. Now get ready for a blaze of fire puns.

***
This book begins with an Ohio college teacher on the run with his young daughter. His name is Andrew "Andy" McGee and his daughter is Charlie. I didn't know they had male nicknames for girls back in the 80s. I also didn't know New York City was the city of choice to escape a government conspiracy. Isn't the U.N situated there? Also the junkies are just as dangerous as the secretive men in suits following him. Andy comes to a similar conclusion so he hails a cab and leaves the Big Apple. How do you get a city cab to travel all the way to Albany with a dollar, a sleeping daughter, and secret police after you? Having a telepathic mind control power that "pushes" the cabbie into following your directions doesn't hurt. Except for how it completely incapacitates him with a psychic mega-migraine (a "megraine" if you will). Andy is tired and follows his daughter's cue to nap. And that's Mr. King's cue for a flashback/dream sequence to explain a little bit.

Back when Andy was a broke college student, he signed up for a little clinical experiment to make some money. I would have second thoughts when the "doctor" says the stuff he's injecting into his test subjects is classified. Wait, it pays two hundred bucks? Hell, they could warn that it'd give me prostate cancer and a bushy mustache and I'd probably still take it. I don't often think far ahead. Andy meets his future wife, Vicky, at the college experiment. They say broke college student love is one of the purest loves there is. Back in the present, their precocious seven year old daughter is using her own super special power to steal coins from telephone booths because Andy is too weak and in pain to try and hustle some money himself. The seven year old girl is partly naive when she brings up how stealing is wrong but then sounds quite older when she thinks of how much she likes using her power. Someone would say this mixed bag of descriptions prove Mr. King doesn't know how to write children very well. I say, we need more children like her (or psychic Danny, or vampire slayer Mark). Wiser-than-their years, miniature adults who can save my ass from things that go bump in the night. If any parents reading this look upon their children with disappointment, I've done my job.

Charlie is a pyrokinetic. Or like Andy would say, a firestarter. Or like I would say, a firebender. (Flameo, hotman!) In any case, she accidentally set an army man's shoes on fire so they have to get away from the airport to avoid any suspicions. Too bad their shady government pursuers are hot on their trail. They're from the evil covert operation known as "The Shop". Hmm. Well it's no "Illuminati" or "Consortium" but it does remind me of 50 Cent's 2005 hit single, so the evilness shouldn't be underestimated. While attempting to hitchhike, Andy trips down a hill which triggers another flashback. A control group in the college experiment got water while the test group got some kind of hallucinogen. Andy and Vicky got the classified LSD and they tripped some serious balls in the university room. Andy apparently knew about The Shop back then which leads me to believe their organization is not good at being covert. No wonder a sickly man and a little girl can evade them for over a year. The stuff Andy and the other volunteers got injected with affected everyone differently. Besides the usual hallucinations and crying, there was also the mind reading powers and that case where a guy clawed his eyes out. Andy and Vicky are assured that they're seeing things and they share stories without ever opening their mouths; Andy lost his parents while young and Vicky was assaulted by a babysitter. Timmy Turner has no sympathy for her.

At night time, College Andy goes back to the building where the experiments were done and convinces the janitor to let him inside. By convince I mean "minor mind control". Andy gets a bit of a headache but goes inside. That'll have to sub for the kick in the ass I want to give him for going into the experimental place where subjects may have died. After dark. New mental powers or not, I'd stay the hell away from there. Got my two hundred. Pass Go or you *will* go somewhere worse than jail. Andy sees what a bloody handprint on a pull down chart. Proof that he didn't hallucinate the claw-happy student who was taken away by teachers in lab coats. He leaves pretty quickly but convinces Vicky to visit the hall about a week later when it's daytime and not so scary. Of course there's no bloody handprint. Of course the chart was replaced. He didn't even close the door behind him when he ran away. Andy has totally been put on a special Shop list. I hear shipping and handling to Area 51 is a killer.

Even though Andy was never sure just what he imagined that day in college, we get a little chapter naming the guys tailing Andy and his daughter and it pretty much confirms that two test subjects died, while another two went insane (including the guy who clawed his own eyes out). Oh man. I guess it was a matter of time before Stephen King tackled the secret shady government villain but those kinds of tales always seem to favor the secret government. I've seen it happen to Winston Smith,  Michael Scofield, Mulder, the people of Ba Sing Se... Anyway, Andy and Charlie get to hitchhiking and they catch a break when they're picked up by a kindly bearded man in one of those mural vans. Andy dreams of the day his little baby Charlie set fire to her teddy bear and how he tried to call his old college buddy who had initially recommended that shady experiment. The phone call is very cagey and all but missing the words "you didn't hear it from me". Suffice to say, Andy and his wife and child were observed by The Shop ever since the experiment and luck kept them from having their powers discovered because the last person who was caught by those Shady Shop Suits ended up in a special government mental ward. And that guy was just able to unlock doors and bend keys. I think a girl who can create fire would be more valuable to our secret military than a wandless "Alohamora".

The Shop's headquarters are in Virginia in a large converted barn. I don't care if they have electric fences and TV surveillance. That secret branch of government is in a barn in Virginia. Even Sheriff Griffith would laugh at The Shop with its scenic duck pond. The captain of the whole operation has a meeting with the old doctor who first conducted the experiments at the college all those years ago. The doctor is raving hothead wanting to tie up loose ends by killing the last reminders of an LSD trip gone bad. The captain merely wants to lock them in a cell while they poke and prod them. Apparently they know Charlie can make fire and they captured her before. I look forward to that flashback. Cap gives orders for his Shady Suits to capture the girl but kill the father. He also brings in a large, scarred up, half Cherokee man named John Rainbird and gives him an assignment. How did the secret government get their hands on a scary Native American? If there was an exchange of beads, I wash my hands of it.

Looks like it's Charlie's turn to stroll down guilty memory line. To the time she burned her mother's hands because she was angry she couldn't play with a friend. That was when her parent's told her about her power and made her promise to control it. And she did. Say what you will about Andy and Vicky's denial, their parenting skills are alright. The Shop Suits are on their tail and this chapter is full of near misses as Andy and Charlie try to get to a family cabin in rural Vermont while the Shop Suits set up roadblocks all around New York. The journey to Vermont hits a snag when a farmer picks them up and takes them to his house for lunch instead. That gives the Shop Suits time enough to close in on them, with a few reinforcements. Andy tells the farmer the truth about them and he doesn't believe until the cars start pulling up. Now it's a face off. A bunch of lying government suits and a little girl who can start- well, looks like three guys are on fire. And the cars are exploding into flames. And some farm chickens are extra crispy. She could really use more training in the aim department. No matter. She gets slapped out of it and they scared away the Shop guys who weren't immolated. But they'll probably be fired for letting them get away again.

So Rainbird's assignment before was not about Andy or Charlie. It was to kill the raving doctor who first cooked up those stupid "Lot 6" experiments. Good riddance. And judging by his fascination with death and shoes, I can understand how he became a member of the Shop. The dude is straight up obsessed with knowing the meaning of death and hopes when it's his time to go, it won't be quick and he'll finally get his answer. Yeah, that's totally sane. After he gets all the information he can about Charlie from the frightened, old doctor, Rainbird makes his kill and thinks about Charlie's power. And what it would be like to snuff it out. No wonder the Captain of the Shop is creeped out by him. Andy and Charlie finally make it to his grandpa's cabin in Vermont and it looks like it's secluded enough for everything to be okay. In fact, there's no action going on so let's have another flashback. Back to the day Andy's wife was killed and his daughter was kidnapped. All because the idiot Shop Suits jumped the gun a little too hastily.

It all started with a bad feeling that may have been precognition. Andy rushed home to see his chair tipped and his salt askew. Untidy Shop bastards. Then he found Vicky's body behind an ironing board. They apparently tortured Vicky by pulling out her nails before killing her and hiding her away in the laundry room. Yeeesh. That's some Big Brother torture tactics right there. Along with TV and radio deprivation, and profanity-filled screeching. Because Big Brother is also the name of a reality show, you see. Andy got his wits gathered and tracked down his daughter, like a more bookish Bryan Mills. Using his mental push to find out where the van was headed, he caught up to the Shop Suits and used the push to blind one guy, immobilize the other, and convince the few people at the rest stop that nothing was wrong. He got a megraine for his troubles but he also got his daughter back. He should've run over the blind Shop bastard but Andy McGee is one of those nice guys with morals and all that. Nice to know his daughter won't be taking after her father when the time comes. Or when it came and went. At the barn. Not the Shop barn but that nice old couple's barn. Argh. Flashback and tense screw ups. I don't need them.

They spend the winter in the Vermont shack and for a while I'm relieved. They deserve some kind of peace, even if Charlie catches a cold and Andy resorts to stealing oil from a camp to keep the cabin warm. On one of his trips into town, Andy makes a decision. They can't live like hermit people forever so he'll tell their story to every congressman and news outlet he knows. Sure, it may cause the government to put Charlie under observation but maybe public outcry will keep them from being guinea pigs. The word Guantanamo comes to mind. I can't say it's the brightest of ideas but there are very few options here. If only Andy's powers were less debilitating. Or Charlie's powers were less reckless. Andy mails his five letters but there's a snitch in that little town and Andy's letters get intercepted despite the rural postman's steaming mad protests. Charlie should've burned the survivors when she had the chance. Now they know where Andy is and probably stole some poor old Grandma's birthday card when they were mail tampering.

The Captain of the Shop is hearing rumors of people blaming the farm fire incident on him and he wants to get the McGees. But after hearing what the girl can do when she's protecting her father, he decided to try and capture them alive which means biding their time, surveying them and taking photos while they live in that little shack. What a creep. And here comes the chief creep. Rainbird is assigned the Andy and Charlie case but he blackmails a twitchy Captain into letting him have Charlie when they're done probing her brain for the mysteries of pyrokinesis. After many threats and dry mouth, the Captain reluctantly agrees. I don't know if he's gonna try to double cross Rainbird or if Rainbird will try to doublecross him (I hope for the rare, combined quadruplecross so Rainbird's threat of getting the Shop shut down if he dies mysteriously comes to pass). Rainbird explains that he wants to befriend the little girl he'll ultimately kill. A firestarter and a rainbird. There's symbolism here and it smells like burnt chicken.

On the day Andy is suspicious and antsy enough to want to go back to New York City and tell his story in person to whatever publication will listen, Mr. John Rainbird rounds up his Shop vultures and they surround the cabin. They shoot Charlie and Andy with tranquilizers. So... let's skip ahead five months to liven up the string of flashbacks. Okay then. I guess Mr. King doesn't want to go through five months of drugs and tests and secret trust exercises in excruciating detail. Not unless it's from someone's POV via flashback. Rainbird has disguised himself as a low level shop employee to earn Charlie's trust but it's slow going. The doctors keep giving her different meds whenever she has a bad reaction to them and after months of neither the daughter nor the father showing their powers, they want to bring out the heavy stuff. Shock treatment and physical force. Rainbird objects to that because it'll screw up his progress and screw up any chance they'd have of learning her secrets. Also he'd probably want to be the one who tortures her because his end game is to kill her. After befriending her. I'm fervently hoping for a last minute heel face turn for this "Injun John".

Rainbird the fake janitor gets a chance to earn Charlie's trust when a huge storm blows the power out. This is why you don't have secret government facilities in a freakin' barn! Andy gets a chance to cry about his pills and trip when the power goes out. See, over the past five months, while Charlie suffered in defiant silence as she got pumped full of drugs, Andy lifted the white flag and enjoyed his furnished cell with it's up-to-date TV and fully stocked fridge. The guy gains about thirty pounds and has pretty much lost his ability to mentally push people despite his attempts. Suddenly though, his psychic senses start to tingle and he senses his daughter is in trouble. That girl is sympathizing with the Indian devil so naturally Andy summons the strength... to throw a pity party and reminisce about the time he used his powers to help women lose weight. Hot.

Rainbird is at "call Chris Hansen" levels of creepy fascination over Charlie (he uses the word "love" a few times and yet still wants to kill her) and you know, when I first used the Chris Hansen tag, it was meant as a one-off joke. I've learned so much in these past few weeks of Stephen King literature. Like even after cutting out five months worth of description, and being only four hundred or so pages long, parts of this book still read overly drawn out. Even when he's writing about something worthwhile that does happen, like Andy using his own mental push on himself to get over his pill addiction, King still manages to stick in extra names, vaguely related flashbacks, and metaphorical dreams with dead doctors and half Cherokee pirates. Let's just hurry on to what King's been building up to.

Three weeks after tricking me into thinking the power outage would spark a barn break, Charlie gets convinced by Rainbird to show her powers to her doctor and their Shop scientists but on her terms and with the end goal to see her father. Meanwhile, her father finds out he's getting shipped to a facility in Hawaii and he kickstarts his information gathering plan by mentally pushing his doctor into telling him where they are. The doctor he pushes turns out to be a bicurious crossdresser. I'm sure this will be important in the future. More trust is established between Charlie and Rainbird. She gets to play with horses now. Yay ponies. Andy's finally taken to the Captain and he finds out his doctor committed suicide in lingerie. See how important that was? Knowing he won't have a better shot, Andy finally uses his mind push powers on the head honcho of the Shop and gets a plan into motion that involves him attending his doctor's funeral. He also finds out about Rainbird's true intentions and there's not much use in that since he still can't get to his daughter and he has to play Drugged Up Fattie No-Powers. This is the slowest escape plan ever.

After a metaphorical dream with erotic undertones where Charlie rides her favorite horse (Not even kidding, she's screaming in excitement for the horse to "Go faster", there's a fiery heat all around her, and oh yeah, she's naked), it's time for another fire demonstration. There have been several so far inside special fireproof rooms with a water source she can direct her fire when she's done. There's also plenty of eyewitnesses and cameras behind glass but this time the fire experiment is held in a converted church for that extra toasty blasphemy. After reaching degrees of over one thousand with focused accuracy, Charlie demands to see her father and subtly threats her doctor. Excellent. After driving back from the funeral, Andy hypnotizes the Captain into accompanying him, and his daughter, on the plane trip to Hawaii. He's also ordered to slip a note to Charlie without anyone seeing him. The Captain keeps thinking about golf and snakes but follows instructions. And Andy's face is partially paralyzed. He thinks one more hard push might kill him but for Charlie, he'll stop at nothing. Don't you die on me, Druggedy Andy.

Charlie reads her father's note which explains her new Indian friend is a traitor and they're totally escaping on Wednesday. After some mental anguish about being betrayed, she's ready to leave in a few days (the note directed her to be at the stables at a certain time) and she's rightfully wary of Rainbird but pretending like nothing has changed. Meanwhile, the Captain has lost his Tennille, mentally speaking, and he's imagining snakes in his golf clubs. If he ends up dying with golf clubs stuffed somewhere, I'll have to rethink the badassery of Andy's push power. Of course, things can't go smoothly for the McGees. That crafty Rainbird set his keen eye on the surveillance tapes to figure out why the Captain visited Charlie. He figures out, with the computer's help, that the probability of Andy mentally pushing the Captain is pretty high. Wait. Why would probability of him using the power be lowest for himself but highest for the captain? What are these odds based on? Everyone experimenting on Andy thinks he's lost the gift and is just mooching off them for food and drugs. Wouldn't their data input into the computer skew the results? Is this based on the assumption that he did have his power? And since he never used it in front of them what are they basing his level and experience on? The little self-help businesses he set up in New York? That rescue attempt all those years ago? Ugh. My head is gonna hurt about as much as Andy's so I'm just gonna say Rainbird is smart enough to figure out they're escaping on Wednesday, especially after he gets a phone call from the Captain himself sending him on a little mission the morning of the plane departure.

On the day of the great escape, Charlie is excited about leaving. Andy is nervous and hoping his plan will go off without a hitch. Rainbird, the weirdo hitch, uses hacking skills (yes he has hacking skills) to cancel his flight to some bogus mission. And the Captain is crazy, thinking there's snakes everywhere. I really hope Andy makes him think there's a snake in his boot before getting to the press. In case I wasn't clear, the plan is supposed to be: the three take the plane (Captain, Andy, and Charlie), they get off at a refueling place in Chicago, and the McGees sneak off to tell their story of flashbacks and barn labs to the Chicago Tribune or whatever newspaper isn't focused on the Cubs. I would've mentally taken control of the plane and flown them all to Switzerland or something. As far as I can tell, the Shop is under U.S law and shouldn't be able to pursue them there since they've got about as much authority as FEMA. Oh well. Let's see how well this plan will go with Rainbird ready and waiting for Charlie in the rafters. Rainbird who loves her. And still wants to kill her with his bare hands. I've heard some ladies like this type of love. They also listen to Chris Brown.

Anyway, Rainbird has cleared the stables of people because he's sure the animal-loving eight year old girl won't try to set any fires for fear of hurting the ponies. I guess she doesn't love chickens. When Andy comes in, Rainbird tries to convince her to climb up and talk to him or he'll shoot her father. Meanwhile. the escort who took Charlie to the stables has set off the alarm, convinced she's making an escape attempt (maybe Charlie shouldn't have burned him and sent him running). So now the whole Barn Shop, and their many weapons, know something is going down in the stables. This will not end well. Aaaand the Captain has attacked a hose. Great. Rainbird is distracted by the Captain and Rainbird is mentally pushed into jumping off the hayloft. Half of Andy's body goes numb from the extreme push which won't compare to the bullet Rainbird manages to put in his neck. Charlie is freaking out and the whole barn is catching on fire. The second bullet Rainbird fires at Charlie actually melts in mid-air. Charlie saves some horses and accidentally kills some Shop agents surrounding the stables with their useless guns. I'll rephrase my "it won't end well" prediction because anytime there's a pyro in the mix, you can at least count on a big bang. And I do like the big bangs.

I should be angry and sad at Andy's death but I'm just mildly surprised. Andy's last words to Charlie is for her to fight back and burn the whole Shop to the ground. I concur. Too bad he had to die to grow a backbone. Charlie set fiiiire to the raiiin... bird. Hope the mysteries of death were worth it. (I don't really. I dislike Rainbird very much and once again am annoyed we're spared the description of a jerk's demise in a King book). As for the Captain, well he's in the great golf course in the sky, watching out for snakes. Charlie's the only survivor in the stables and it's her against a Shop-full of armed men. Will King kill off a little girl? Let's find out. The Shop idiots start shooting at the first thing that runs out of the barn; the horses. Well that's just going to upset PETA. And also Charlie. She surrounds the place with fire. She's got men going up in flames like so many spontaneous combustion cases. A full-on armored tank comes at her and it melts like butter on a hot tin roof. She blows up the testing area. Charlie found Vengeance Mountain. Yaaaay.

The wild dogs and the electric fence also help fan the flame of panic as Shop lab workers and secretaries try to escape but get shocked or bitten and torn apart. Charlie doesn't want to kill anyone who isn't attacking her which is noble, I guess. She uses the duckpond to cool her flames and I just wish she had taken out a Shop guy that was nicknamed OJ before she stopped the fire power. That misogynistic, cowardly bastard survived the barn burning and now this? Has there ever been a bigger injustice involving an OJ escaping? In any case, Charlie is shellshocked but she escapes, leaving behind barn rubble and a few injured survivors. Ambulance sirens are heard in the distance. I'll take you to the burned up Shop. Where a girl made everything go "pop". When you see smoke, just stop. And resist shouting "what the f-"(woah)!

The last chapter is called 'Charlie Alone' with a temporary new Shop head ordering the assassination of Charlie McGee. Because King doesn't know when to quit and likes taking candy from babies just to make them cry. Charlie made her way to the kind old farm couple whose farmhouse she burned. The house managed to get fixed up nice after a year and some Shop hush money. The farmer and his wife take her in but worry about how long they can keep her a secret in a gossipy town. She stays with them for the winter and they think of Charlie's plan to tell all. They guessed right that the still-recovering Shop is keeping their eyes glued to all the major newspapers. The news of Charlie's whereabouts spreads thanks to a blabby doctor but luckily, when the Shop people in fire suits show up at the barn, they all find out Charlie left. She goes to a library to ask for a publication that's honest, with a nationwide audience, and no ties to the government. The book ends with Charlie at the offices of Rolling Stone magazine. Either that librarian was screwing with her or Stephen King is doing so with me. Or maybe that magazine was waaay different back in the 80s.

***

Wow. That story was certainly something. Most stories I read provoke strong reactions in me. Whether there are characters I totally hate or final battles I totally love. I always feel emotionally invested. Maybe it was the two week break but this story, save for a few spots, didn't provoke strong feelings either way. This story combined Carrie's power with The Shining's gifted, young protagonist and the shady government of The Stand. I enjoyed these three books to various extents but the pacing and detail in The Shining works to create an isolationist feeling in the hotel. The frightening power of Carrie has readers cheering because she's been an underdog all her life. The shady government who unleashed the virus in The Stand don't make up a large part of the novel. Oh. Lightbulb!

Half of this book takes place in that stupid reformed government barn and I feel like most secret government shows and movies tend to avoid that because we want to see the hero escape or plotting to get the truth out. We don't care about the dickish conspiracy planning their next set of tests. The only example I can think of off the top of my head that may contradict this is the video game Portal but even then we're solely with the hero who is actively trying to escape. It's not all that interesting to read pages of secret meetings and lab techs being cautious. We're not gonna get some heroic break out with guns and chairs to the face because the protagonist lab rats are a drugged up, fat teacher and a scared little girl. This story didn't win me over but it's not horrible, like some parts of The Stand or even the dreaded (ugh) Dead Zone. I guess if I had to jump back into Stephen King books, I could've done worse.

I may need another break for this. Maybe set my reading for bi-weekly posts. It's not like I have many, or rather any, readers of this. If only I had a way to promote this blog... on a national level with no government ties because the X-Files and Stephen King has made me paranoid. To Indian Country Today!