I'm taking a look at the first book in Ms. Feehan's longest running series (which I believe are not too connected so they can be read as stand-alones). It's called 'Dark Prince' and is presumably about a dark prince. Time to warm up this cold night with some steamy, creatures of an ancient race. Don't let me down internet!
***
Right off the bat we have a brooding intellectual prince who I can only assume is hot as well as incredibly smart and rich (so smart he has an entire room filled with books). He's alone and he's tortured because his race of creatures are dying of... something and there are no women to populate with. I hope the Chinese take special note of this with their aversion to female babies. It seems his fellow subjects prefer to zombify themselves rather than die out with no sex life. Do these creatures not have hands, lotions, and imagination?
So this prince is named Mikhail (I have no idea how that's pronounced) and he laments on how he feels lonely even in a crowded room. I think I read that once on a black livejournal banner with a faded Helvetica font and a sparkly red rose graphic. All of a sudden, he hears a woman. And they talk to each other telepathically, even though she's human and he's not, and she's feisty and he's not, and she's American and he's not. So many differences, this relationship can never work. And you know there'll be a relationship, forbidden as it may be, because that Prince Mikhail guy is already attracted to the feisty, light laughter. What if it was a dude with a high pitched voice?
Anyway, he shapeshifts into a bird which is pretty cool and flies across some unknown distance until he finds the owner of the lovely voice. And it's a woman (damn). She's described quite thoroughly with "raven" hair, "satin" skin, and "intense" blue eyes. My fanfiction senses are tingling. They continue to psychically talk with her not knowing he's right outside her room like an emo Big Bird. After he leaves, he finds out she might just be his soulmate. Not some melodramatic, love at first sight declaration but apparently the males of his species lose emotions and the ability to see colors after a while of no lovin'. Like dogs, maybe (but mostly not). And when he saw this tiny American woman, he saw her blue eyes (color), he felt affection for her (emotion), and his heart (among other organs) grew three sizes that day.
So he flies back to his castle and using those previously mentioned weird powers that I don't think werewolves have (still not quite sure what he is), he psychically gropes his apparent soulmate from miles away. And holy eroticism Batman, this is a bodice ripper, isn't it? Yup. The words "silk curls", "moist heat", and "jewel tears" have officially been thrown down. Oh Gaaaawd. But I can power through this. It's not too much worse than some of Stephen King's "sexy" descriptions. Though it sucks that I got tricked into reading a Fabio-in-Dark-Creature's-clothing book. So after the woman mentally resists his "raw hunger", he backs off but not before being all gentle and calming because if he wasn't, he'd be a mind rapist and the lonely, middle-aged women reading this book do not care for mind rapists. No sir.
The next day, we find out the woman's name is Raven Whitney (raven-haired Raven Whitney? I'm disappointed in the redundancy, Ms. Feehan. Was Ebony Crystal already taken?) And we get an explanation for her psychic connection with the princely Mikhail. She's psychic. Alright then, case closed. Wait, no. It's probably more than that. She uses her "psychic gift" to track down criminals but then so do the protagonists of half the paranormal cop shows on primetime so she's not all that special. After her latest case, she decided to relax at the Carpathian Mountains but got mentally molested and met a couple of tourists. I'd give that trip two stars on Yelp. Since Miss Lazy Raven-bones slept straight through breakfast and lunch, she's got the nocturnal Pushy Prince on her mind radar again. He's used to getting what he wants and she resists because that's what fiesty girls do. After giving him her name, she goes down to try and eat dinner with one of the tourists, Jacob (eek! Twilight flashbacks!) and apparently her psychic ability makes it so she can't be around people for too long or she'll pick up their thoughts. She can't touch people either. That's a pretty crappy, and familiar psychic superpower. *coughDeadZonecough* (My expectations have been lowered to Seltzer and Friedberg Parody Movie levels.)
The Princely Mikhail walks along, still thinking about his raven-haired Raven and totally cravin' some flesh or something. He won't go after a woman, due to prudish loyalty so he'll go after a guy (!!!) Cue 'It's Raining Men' please. Wait a minute. You mean he's hungering for a man but not in the gay way? If you say so, swishy cape boy. He hypnotizes a random guy on the street and bends his head to feed...? Oh please no. This better not be what I think it is. Before anything can be elaborated, Mikhail gets a vision of Raven being Little Miss Social Anxiety because of her mental powers. When Jacob puts a hand on her and mentally overloads her circuits, Mikhail tries to overload a circuit in Jacob's throat, umm, psychically. Ah, screw it. Basically, after Raven telepathically tells him to quit it, the two lonely, flirty headcases finally meet; specifically, the possessive prince shows up at her hotel, looks into her sapphire eyes, and whisks her away for a game of handsome people chess.
Now it's her turn to describe him. Hair like coffee, eyes like black ice, face like an angel or possible a devil or let's go for both since it's biblically accurate anyway. Geez, these are terrible metaphors when I write them out but trust me when I say they're not much better in the book. Naturally, Mikhail carries her away in his big, strong arms despite her weak protests and I can only assume the words "moist" and "deep" will be appearing within five or ten pages. The Princely Mikhail Dubrinsky (is that Polish?) declares no man is allowed to touch her and cause her pain. I feel like this story would be so much more interesting/entertaining if the female lead acted more realistically or at least like she knew she was in a subpar erotic novel. Instead she's surprised at how her heart beats so much faster when she's around him and how conflicted she feels by this possessive manhandling. He decides that, much like a stray cat, he'll keep her in his giant castle and make her depend on him and love him because that's how that works. Actually, this vaguely reminds me of Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Is this inspired by that amazing animated movie? My expectations are tentatively raised to Scary Movie 1 levels.
We get a bit more backstory on this Whitney woman. It's the usual stuff: friendless childhood, horrified parents, and of course trying to use her powers for good. Ugh. Terrible Castle Rock memories. Please no penis clothespins or cop rapists. Mikhail takes this life story very personally, wanting to totally kill anyone who's ever hurt her feelings. Dude, dial it down a notch or ten. They flirty flirt a bit even though not five minutes before, Raven was worried he was trying to roofie her teetotalng ass. And now they're playing chess because they're intellectual hottie soulmates who need to drag out their "sexual tension" and primal urges. Riiight. The immortal guy wins and when she tries to explain she's not an indoor kitty, she gets an evil "predatory grin" from her captor and feels frightened. But not enough to run screaming. I feel a song coming on. 'There's something sweet, and almost kind. But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefiiined...' No wait, I take it back. Stockholm Syndrome, for sure.
He takes that moment to kiss her and here comes the flowery language! Rolling storms of shifting lightning that's like heated silk in a primal pouch of moist sexytimes. After some vague neck-sucking thing that has me despairing, Raven pulls back, all dizzy and weak and ole' Blue Balls Mikhail restrains himself from consumating a relationship that hasn't even been established yet. He's distracted by a knock on the door and when Raven gets some mental images of a brutally murdered woman, she freaks out and runs into some guy who's menacing, I suppose. Mikhail is there to rescue her, naturally but fear not because that guy, and the group behind him, is part of Mikhail's family/loyal subjects. A Carpathian, if I remember the terminology correctly. And this is enough reason to get her out of the castle. The Carpathians don't seem to care much for humans, much less Americans (they really *are* European!) and Raven tries to comfort Mikhail after he forcibly took her to this place of danger and creepy monarchy. Awkward.
Rather than flying her away like a giant pterodactyl, Mikhail opts for the less conspicuous sedan (I'm guessing at the car type. It's just described as "small" so for all I know it's a Peel P50.) He wants to wipe her memory of that horrible murder vision but she claims she's a big girl and doesn't scare easily. I beg to differ Tiny McShaky-Boots. She gives him a kiss goodnight like this was some nice little date instead of an abduction and she goes back to her room at the inn while touching her sore neck because it seems Mikhail took some blood from her. There's no way to spin this. This is a vampire book. I am reading a flippin' vampire erotic novel! And it's not even a good vampire erotic novel! What the BALLS? The back cover clearly lists them as (and I quote) "An ancient race of Carpathia...". I expected aliens! I expected ghosts! I expected just about anything BUT vampires! You lied to me, Christine! Why is every Christine I've ever read about evil!?!? WHHHYYYY!?!?.
... Okay. I'm good. I'm calm. But I *am* pissed that the author's lie has made me look like a liar by extension since in my last blog post I said I *wouldn't* be reading Anne Rice style vampire stories on my first exposure to "paromance". I should've known as soon as I read that neck sucking thing. Or the fact that he's active by night. You know, if I think about it, this overly descriptive, flowery romantic story does have shades of Twilighty-ness. (Anyone reading this has probably guessed that I read the first Twilight book. It was partly out of curiosity and partly so I could judge it fairly). BUT I have to stay positive. Despite the girly prose, these are not actually typical "vampires" and there's a better chance of a serious fist-fight in here than in a Mormon-written story. Okay. On I go. Just need to get through this and I never have to pick up another book of hers again. Curse my obssessive need to finish things I start reading. You'd think I would've learned my lesson after The Dead Zone... (Once again, it has indirectly ruined another book I picked up! Is it officially haunting me ever since I gave it that bad review? Stupid book.)
So anyway, group meeting at the castle. Prince Mikhail is upset a female of his kind got killed and he has to protect the remaining pregnant females of the pack because it's been years since any Carpathian gave birth and I guess they have an enemy that doesn't want them reproducing. Mikhail has a brother named Jaques (sacre bleu!) and assigns him and some other underling to spread the word that there are killers on the loose. The group find out their leader is interested in Raven and fret that she's mortal and she can't be one of them because everytime they've tried to turn a mortal woman in the past, the woman went all nutso or something. It's interesting that the author says they turn into a vampire when they don't find their soulmate. Especially considering they pretty much act like the proto-vampire of modern day romances what with their brooding, emo, stalker obsessive "love".
Looks like the Carpathian woman who was killed (and who Raven saw in her vision) was the sister of the brooding prince. Also, the sister had a Carpathian manwhore boyfriend who ran off with their kid. I guess if you don't marry your soulmate, you turn into an evil whore. Symbolism? Mikhail cries bitter, red tears of gothic sadness and gets a nice comforting mental message from his cheerleader Raven, who not a few hours before was fearing for her life after being kidnapped and imprisoned at Not-sferatu Manor. But anyway, skip ahead to the next day where Raven is ready to go on a Romanian hike and picnic which I'm sure consists of avoiding gypsies and keeping your Ţuică moonshine close. Mmm... I could use a glass of Ţuică to get through this book. When an old woman from the inn greets her and asks about that handsome kidnapper she was with, Raven totally lies that she knows the guy and sidesteps any touching because touching is bad unless you're a sexy European immortal.
After an encounter with a jealous Jacob (where she's all offended at his attraction with her and laughs when he encounters a bear) Raven hikes up a mountain and promptly falls asleep. That chick sleeps a lot. She'd fit in pretty well with Mikhail the non-vampire who sleeps in a grave during the day and gets up when the sun sets. Anyway, his Raven's-in-danger senses start to tingle (I'll bet that's not the only thing that tingles) and he gets to the mountain in time to stop Rand (I get it. Because he's a randy manwhore), the Carpathian boyfriend of Mikhail's dead sister. Mikhail hypnotizes him into going somewhere deep underground so he can sleep away his craziness, and after some conflicting posturing where Raven tries to assert her independence but is clearly as capable of defending herself as a chihuaha on Ambien, the two start making out on the mountain. It doesn't lead to sex so let's follow them home, I suppose.
Little Miss Sleeping Beauty wonders why no one in the town is talking about the murder and why cops aren't called. Her Overly Protective Prince sort of dances around the truth saying he takes the law into his own hands and he's responsible for his people. Looks like he doesn't want to reveal he's actually a vampire (we all know they are, Feehan! Dress it up with shapeshifting and soulmate rules but we all know they're Romanian man bats!) She's worried about him, so pure and good is this Raven Whitney, descendent of the inventor of the cotton gin as well as the New York sculptor and art patron (I may or may not be making this up to make her seem more interesting). Raven wants to help but her mere touch makes his body heat up with the horny hormones and he wants to sex her, umm, I mean totally claim her love as his own forever and ever amen.
And it looks like he'll get a chance to do it since he used super speed to transport her to his castle library. Naturally Raven thinks she blocked out the long walk there and when you've got a shirtless, muscley prince in front of you, it's understandable that your mind would go all spacey. Bow chika bow wow. Looks like they're going to doooo iiiiit. Oh geez. I never was that mature when it came to erotic scenes. I don't know if anyone reading this wants me to cover everything blow by blow, so to speak, but even I have my limits. There's a fireplace, naturally. Raven is described so diminutively, I am convinced she is a midget (like a pale, blue-eyed Snooky). Also with all the silk, satin, and velvet descriptors thrown around, I'm starting to suspect they're actually cloth puppets (And now I can't get the puppet sex scene from Team America: World Police out of my head.) Clothes come off, symbolically supernatural storms start brewing, insatiable hunger/desire/need sandwich. Oh, and Raven is a virgin. Of course she is. Quoth the Raven, "I'll be sore." (I just want to highlight this line which I feel captures this whole sexual encounter: “Her breasts thrust invitingly, nipples hard and erotic.”)
So this prince is named Mikhail (I have no idea how that's pronounced) and he laments on how he feels lonely even in a crowded room. I think I read that once on a black livejournal banner with a faded Helvetica font and a sparkly red rose graphic. All of a sudden, he hears a woman. And they talk to each other telepathically, even though she's human and he's not, and she's feisty and he's not, and she's American and he's not. So many differences, this relationship can never work. And you know there'll be a relationship, forbidden as it may be, because that Prince Mikhail guy is already attracted to the feisty, light laughter. What if it was a dude with a high pitched voice?
Anyway, he shapeshifts into a bird which is pretty cool and flies across some unknown distance until he finds the owner of the lovely voice. And it's a woman (damn). She's described quite thoroughly with "raven" hair, "satin" skin, and "intense" blue eyes. My fanfiction senses are tingling. They continue to psychically talk with her not knowing he's right outside her room like an emo Big Bird. After he leaves, he finds out she might just be his soulmate. Not some melodramatic, love at first sight declaration but apparently the males of his species lose emotions and the ability to see colors after a while of no lovin'. Like dogs, maybe (but mostly not). And when he saw this tiny American woman, he saw her blue eyes (color), he felt affection for her (emotion), and his heart (among other organs) grew three sizes that day.
So he flies back to his castle and using those previously mentioned weird powers that I don't think werewolves have (still not quite sure what he is), he psychically gropes his apparent soulmate from miles away. And holy eroticism Batman, this is a bodice ripper, isn't it? Yup. The words "silk curls", "moist heat", and "jewel tears" have officially been thrown down. Oh Gaaaawd. But I can power through this. It's not too much worse than some of Stephen King's "sexy" descriptions. Though it sucks that I got tricked into reading a Fabio-in-Dark-Creature's-clothing book. So after the woman mentally resists his "raw hunger", he backs off but not before being all gentle and calming because if he wasn't, he'd be a mind rapist and the lonely, middle-aged women reading this book do not care for mind rapists. No sir.
The next day, we find out the woman's name is Raven Whitney (raven-haired Raven Whitney? I'm disappointed in the redundancy, Ms. Feehan. Was Ebony Crystal already taken?) And we get an explanation for her psychic connection with the princely Mikhail. She's psychic. Alright then, case closed. Wait, no. It's probably more than that. She uses her "psychic gift" to track down criminals but then so do the protagonists of half the paranormal cop shows on primetime so she's not all that special. After her latest case, she decided to relax at the Carpathian Mountains but got mentally molested and met a couple of tourists. I'd give that trip two stars on Yelp. Since Miss Lazy Raven-bones slept straight through breakfast and lunch, she's got the nocturnal Pushy Prince on her mind radar again. He's used to getting what he wants and she resists because that's what fiesty girls do. After giving him her name, she goes down to try and eat dinner with one of the tourists, Jacob (eek! Twilight flashbacks!) and apparently her psychic ability makes it so she can't be around people for too long or she'll pick up their thoughts. She can't touch people either. That's a pretty crappy, and familiar psychic superpower. *coughDeadZonecough* (My expectations have been lowered to Seltzer and Friedberg Parody Movie levels.)
The Princely Mikhail walks along, still thinking about his raven-haired Raven and totally cravin' some flesh or something. He won't go after a woman, due to prudish loyalty so he'll go after a guy (!!!) Cue 'It's Raining Men' please. Wait a minute. You mean he's hungering for a man but not in the gay way? If you say so, swishy cape boy. He hypnotizes a random guy on the street and bends his head to feed...? Oh please no. This better not be what I think it is. Before anything can be elaborated, Mikhail gets a vision of Raven being Little Miss Social Anxiety because of her mental powers. When Jacob puts a hand on her and mentally overloads her circuits, Mikhail tries to overload a circuit in Jacob's throat, umm, psychically. Ah, screw it. Basically, after Raven telepathically tells him to quit it, the two lonely, flirty headcases finally meet; specifically, the possessive prince shows up at her hotel, looks into her sapphire eyes, and whisks her away for a game of handsome people chess.
Now it's her turn to describe him. Hair like coffee, eyes like black ice, face like an angel or possible a devil or let's go for both since it's biblically accurate anyway. Geez, these are terrible metaphors when I write them out but trust me when I say they're not much better in the book. Naturally, Mikhail carries her away in his big, strong arms despite her weak protests and I can only assume the words "moist" and "deep" will be appearing within five or ten pages. The Princely Mikhail Dubrinsky (is that Polish?) declares no man is allowed to touch her and cause her pain. I feel like this story would be so much more interesting/entertaining if the female lead acted more realistically or at least like she knew she was in a subpar erotic novel. Instead she's surprised at how her heart beats so much faster when she's around him and how conflicted she feels by this possessive manhandling. He decides that, much like a stray cat, he'll keep her in his giant castle and make her depend on him and love him because that's how that works. Actually, this vaguely reminds me of Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Is this inspired by that amazing animated movie? My expectations are tentatively raised to Scary Movie 1 levels.
We get a bit more backstory on this Whitney woman. It's the usual stuff: friendless childhood, horrified parents, and of course trying to use her powers for good. Ugh. Terrible Castle Rock memories. Please no penis clothespins or cop rapists. Mikhail takes this life story very personally, wanting to totally kill anyone who's ever hurt her feelings. Dude, dial it down a notch or ten. They flirty flirt a bit even though not five minutes before, Raven was worried he was trying to roofie her teetotalng ass. And now they're playing chess because they're intellectual hottie soulmates who need to drag out their "sexual tension" and primal urges. Riiight. The immortal guy wins and when she tries to explain she's not an indoor kitty, she gets an evil "predatory grin" from her captor and feels frightened. But not enough to run screaming. I feel a song coming on. 'There's something sweet, and almost kind. But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefiiined...' No wait, I take it back. Stockholm Syndrome, for sure.
He takes that moment to kiss her and here comes the flowery language! Rolling storms of shifting lightning that's like heated silk in a primal pouch of moist sexytimes. After some vague neck-sucking thing that has me despairing, Raven pulls back, all dizzy and weak and ole' Blue Balls Mikhail restrains himself from consumating a relationship that hasn't even been established yet. He's distracted by a knock on the door and when Raven gets some mental images of a brutally murdered woman, she freaks out and runs into some guy who's menacing, I suppose. Mikhail is there to rescue her, naturally but fear not because that guy, and the group behind him, is part of Mikhail's family/loyal subjects. A Carpathian, if I remember the terminology correctly. And this is enough reason to get her out of the castle. The Carpathians don't seem to care much for humans, much less Americans (they really *are* European!) and Raven tries to comfort Mikhail after he forcibly took her to this place of danger and creepy monarchy. Awkward.
Rather than flying her away like a giant pterodactyl, Mikhail opts for the less conspicuous sedan (I'm guessing at the car type. It's just described as "small" so for all I know it's a Peel P50.) He wants to wipe her memory of that horrible murder vision but she claims she's a big girl and doesn't scare easily. I beg to differ Tiny McShaky-Boots. She gives him a kiss goodnight like this was some nice little date instead of an abduction and she goes back to her room at the inn while touching her sore neck because it seems Mikhail took some blood from her. There's no way to spin this. This is a vampire book. I am reading a flippin' vampire erotic novel! And it's not even a good vampire erotic novel! What the BALLS? The back cover clearly lists them as (and I quote) "An ancient race of Carpathia...". I expected aliens! I expected ghosts! I expected just about anything BUT vampires! You lied to me, Christine! Why is every Christine I've ever read about evil!?!? WHHHYYYY!?!?.
... Okay. I'm good. I'm calm. But I *am* pissed that the author's lie has made me look like a liar by extension since in my last blog post I said I *wouldn't* be reading Anne Rice style vampire stories on my first exposure to "paromance". I should've known as soon as I read that neck sucking thing. Or the fact that he's active by night. You know, if I think about it, this overly descriptive, flowery romantic story does have shades of Twilighty-ness. (Anyone reading this has probably guessed that I read the first Twilight book. It was partly out of curiosity and partly so I could judge it fairly). BUT I have to stay positive. Despite the girly prose, these are not actually typical "vampires" and there's a better chance of a serious fist-fight in here than in a Mormon-written story. Okay. On I go. Just need to get through this and I never have to pick up another book of hers again. Curse my obssessive need to finish things I start reading. You'd think I would've learned my lesson after The Dead Zone... (Once again, it has indirectly ruined another book I picked up! Is it officially haunting me ever since I gave it that bad review? Stupid book.)
So anyway, group meeting at the castle. Prince Mikhail is upset a female of his kind got killed and he has to protect the remaining pregnant females of the pack because it's been years since any Carpathian gave birth and I guess they have an enemy that doesn't want them reproducing. Mikhail has a brother named Jaques (sacre bleu!) and assigns him and some other underling to spread the word that there are killers on the loose. The group find out their leader is interested in Raven and fret that she's mortal and she can't be one of them because everytime they've tried to turn a mortal woman in the past, the woman went all nutso or something. It's interesting that the author says they turn into a vampire when they don't find their soulmate. Especially considering they pretty much act like the proto-vampire of modern day romances what with their brooding, emo, stalker obsessive "love".
Looks like the Carpathian woman who was killed (and who Raven saw in her vision) was the sister of the brooding prince. Also, the sister had a Carpathian manwhore boyfriend who ran off with their kid. I guess if you don't marry your soulmate, you turn into an evil whore. Symbolism? Mikhail cries bitter, red tears of gothic sadness and gets a nice comforting mental message from his cheerleader Raven, who not a few hours before was fearing for her life after being kidnapped and imprisoned at Not-sferatu Manor. But anyway, skip ahead to the next day where Raven is ready to go on a Romanian hike and picnic which I'm sure consists of avoiding gypsies and keeping your Ţuică moonshine close. Mmm... I could use a glass of Ţuică to get through this book. When an old woman from the inn greets her and asks about that handsome kidnapper she was with, Raven totally lies that she knows the guy and sidesteps any touching because touching is bad unless you're a sexy European immortal.
After an encounter with a jealous Jacob (where she's all offended at his attraction with her and laughs when he encounters a bear) Raven hikes up a mountain and promptly falls asleep. That chick sleeps a lot. She'd fit in pretty well with Mikhail the non-vampire who sleeps in a grave during the day and gets up when the sun sets. Anyway, his Raven's-in-danger senses start to tingle (I'll bet that's not the only thing that tingles) and he gets to the mountain in time to stop Rand (I get it. Because he's a randy manwhore), the Carpathian boyfriend of Mikhail's dead sister. Mikhail hypnotizes him into going somewhere deep underground so he can sleep away his craziness, and after some conflicting posturing where Raven tries to assert her independence but is clearly as capable of defending herself as a chihuaha on Ambien, the two start making out on the mountain. It doesn't lead to sex so let's follow them home, I suppose.
Little Miss Sleeping Beauty wonders why no one in the town is talking about the murder and why cops aren't called. Her Overly Protective Prince sort of dances around the truth saying he takes the law into his own hands and he's responsible for his people. Looks like he doesn't want to reveal he's actually a vampire (we all know they are, Feehan! Dress it up with shapeshifting and soulmate rules but we all know they're Romanian man bats!) She's worried about him, so pure and good is this Raven Whitney, descendent of the inventor of the cotton gin as well as the New York sculptor and art patron (I may or may not be making this up to make her seem more interesting). Raven wants to help but her mere touch makes his body heat up with the horny hormones and he wants to sex her, umm, I mean totally claim her love as his own forever and ever amen.
And it looks like he'll get a chance to do it since he used super speed to transport her to his castle library. Naturally Raven thinks she blocked out the long walk there and when you've got a shirtless, muscley prince in front of you, it's understandable that your mind would go all spacey. Bow chika bow wow. Looks like they're going to doooo iiiiit. Oh geez. I never was that mature when it came to erotic scenes. I don't know if anyone reading this wants me to cover everything blow by blow, so to speak, but even I have my limits. There's a fireplace, naturally. Raven is described so diminutively, I am convinced she is a midget (like a pale, blue-eyed Snooky). Also with all the silk, satin, and velvet descriptors thrown around, I'm starting to suspect they're actually cloth puppets (And now I can't get the puppet sex scene from Team America: World Police out of my head.) Clothes come off, symbolically supernatural storms start brewing, insatiable hunger/desire/need sandwich. Oh, and Raven is a virgin. Of course she is. Quoth the Raven, "I'll be sore." (I just want to highlight this line which I feel captures this whole sexual encounter: “Her breasts thrust invitingly, nipples hard and erotic.”)
Getting a bit carried away in his primal, erotic, epileptic fit, he drains a bit too much of her blood and has to get her healed up. Whoops! Not since the dude with a gerbil up his ass has there been a more painful, sexual mishap. Mikhail's method of healing involves her drinking his blood (how is this NOT a vampire!?) and laying her on a bed of healing herbs (... how is this NOT a hippie vampire!?) His soul is sad because he loved her a little too much with his royal fleshy sceptor (yeah, I went there). Mikhail's elderly, religious best friend comes in to discuss his torment. They compare Raven to a beautiful wind and a goddess and this prince guy is just so whipped. He's angry he sexed up his meal (or is he angry he snacked on his booty call?) but he knows he wants to be with her forever and ever. His elderly friend throws around some questions, some similies, talks about God and validates his obsession with some mortal woman he nearly screwed to death. I wonder what it says about the prince that he has an old clergyman as a best friend. Surely his life must be full of sexy excitement, like Bingo and fasting.
After putting a whole bunch of magic charms and Carpathian booby (hah) traps all around his sleeping Raven, he meets up with his brother and some other guy and does some last minute title bequething, should something go wrong when he goes to the scene of the crime. He transforms into a wolf to go there. A wolf that can communicate with the animals and pick up the human killers' trail after several hours, maybe even days, have passed. Somebody get that magic wolf on CSI. Wolfie Mikhail finds hidden cameras at the crime scene and has tracked the killers' scent to the inn where Raven had stayed. Meeting back with his brother and the other guy, he rattles off doctors' names that are tending to the pregnant Carpathian women and I guess they'll keep an eye on those doctors in case one of them is the killer. Jaques and the other guy are worried he's becoming reckless and they wonder about his relationship to the tiny, sleepy human woman. Mikhail gets really pissy but I think they have the right to know who "his woman" is and why they should be willing to risk their lives to protect her (though she's not really in any danger since the murderers seem to be targeting Carpathian women who are pregnant.)
In any case, the Pissy Prince Mikhail comes up with plans on where to hide the other two pregnant Carpathians and after dismissing their concerns, he flies back to his comatose lady, owl style. His lady awakens and she's all flustered but she still claims independence when he pretty much demands she stay with him in his love grotto. Raven, come on. You're not fooling anyone. I was hoping for a fierce, mystery-solving crime-fighter and I got a shrinking violet with amnesia issues (she still doesn't piece together that he's not exactly human, even though he didn't wipe her memory or anything). After another sex session where he tries to be more gentle, some post-coital conversation finally clues her in on the fact that he's superhuman. Also he's one third of the way through the process of turning her into one of them, and she's his mate for life. Aww, they're like black vultures or schistosome worms except not as appealing. Common sense finally hits this oblivious woman and she leaves to take a shower and think about life as a sex slave for a hot non-human that for all intents and purposes looks and acts human.
After that erotic blood sharing, Raven's body is all hot and erotic for a slice of that erotic Mikhail beefcake. How erotic! She's addicted to his love and he's likewise. These poor characters, at the mercy of magical biology and a lonely author with too much time on her hands and one too many cosmos in her blood stream. Mikhail proposes some all-day sex and Raven brings up the question of whether this is possessive lust or real, albeit unnaturally sudden, love. I have my own question to pose: why is a Raven like a writing desk? Something, something antique, hard wood. Hah. I'm losing it. And here comes another sex scene. Woo boy. They finally unite as soulmates because Mikhail says the magic words which for some reason make me think of the Miranda Rights given to people under arrest. I'm itching to get to some action that's not between the sheets so we'll go ahead to the evening when Vampire Carpathians (Vampathians?) can actually get out of the castle and do something.
You know, I though this would make for a long blog review/summary because the book is like, 400 pages but if I keep glossing over the sex scenes, I might just get it down to Carrie length. Raven puts up some token resistance when her Primal Prince says she should totally move in with him. Your mind says no, but your
It's some of the guests at the inn including the old woman from the mountain, Jacob's sister, and Mikail's elderly friend, the priest. After some subdued, jealous cattiness from the ladies (no one can resist Mikhail the McHotty!) the conversation shifts to vampires and whether Mikhail believes. He's diplomatic and open minded about the idea (as well he should be) while Raven scoffs and doesn't believe (because she's an oblivious idiot; she thinks her blood-loss fatigue is due to the frickin' flu). Raven also gets some bad mental vibes from the older woman and sensing her pain with his super love powers, Mikhail tells the guests he and Raven are engaged, then escorts them off his property. When they're alone, he addresses her not-believing-in-vampires thing and she decides that if he is one, then he's good and pure and whatnot. He's glad because he's totally not a vampire *coughbullshitcough*
Now, for something different. Actual discussion of murder and motive. What a novel idea for a gothic horror novel about a psychic woman who has experience catching killers. They think the older woman, Mrs. Summers, might be the ringleader, along with her husband due to the bad vibes she was giving off. After the briefest argument ever about him being emotionally closed off, the two decide to have some make-up sex. After that, he leaves to go feed and she thinks he's probably just getting some steak and kidney pie or whatever it is they eat in Romania. I guess the fancy ruby engagement ring is good enough to keep any questions at bay. Man, that Mikhail sure is lucky he has the world's most clueless psychic as his sex slave/fiancée.
The supposed non-vampire drinks up three young men with no real description of neck sucking and blood dripping which disappoints me because I want some vague, symbolic homoeroticism to liven up and amuse me in this lascivious fanfiction gone wrong. After that snack, Mikhail goes to visit the midwife who helped deliver his sister's baby and may have been the last one to see her alive. He's got his killing cape on and it looks like he hit the jackpot. Disguised as a mouse, he overhears some vampire-obssessed loonies, including the midwife's busband, with garlic hanging on their doors and stakes in their corners. They did indeed kill Mikhail's sister after seeing her drink some of her boyfriend's blood to cure her post-birth fatigue. When they see a wolf outside, they try to shoot it but Mikhail transforms and takes the bullet. The wolf turns out to be one of his underlings and he's glad to see his prince out and ready to heap some vengeance instead of holed up in his lady's hole.
As for the owner of said hole, she's been telepathically nagging and worrying about him because they share the same thoughts and pain so she felt it when Mikhail got shot. As if she could actually help him. His brother Jacques comes to the rescue, ready to whip off his shirt and give some blood and interesting subtext to this chapter. But alas, they're being watched so they get to a car in the middle of the woods (??) and they take him home where Raven can be worried and disappointed and really lay on the guilt. The prince guy can't heal properly with her in the room (because she doesn't know he needs blood and a crypt bed) so after a dramatic removal of the engagement ring and declaration that they should break up, Mikhail pretty much begs her to stay and she plays the betrayal and lack of trust card but ultimately that pesky soulmate bond has her promising to put the ring back on and go to her room at the inn while he rests. They determine that most of the killers are from Raven's tour group and I just wonder what the hell kind of tourists go to another country and kill someone they suspect of possibly being a monster. I will be glad when they're killed by the overzealous Mikhail.
Before Raven goes back to her room at the inn, Mikhail tells her to drink some juice. Apparently, the soulmate turning has made all human food unpalatable to her and even simple juice makes her ill. His brother Jacques makes sure she replenishes fluids and he's pretty much accepting his sister-in-law with crooked smiles and boyish sweetness. Oh boo, Feehan, you bitch. I kinda, sorta actually like Jacques. Damn it. Wait, what am I saying? There's finally something decent in this story and I'm complaining? After Raven leaves, the ritual begins. Jacques holds onto his older brother and feeds him his own blood after covering him in herbs, dirt, and spit. We call this a New Jersey welcome. Raven gets a quick message from the healing Mikhail before he goes incommunicado to finish the whole healing process. She tries to get her mind off her worries by reading a book, and judging by the way she throws it across the room, I can probably guess who wrote it. That's right, R.L Stein.
She goes from worrying about her injured boyfriend to full on suicidal depression when she can't get in touch with him, mentally. Like, holy crap, woman. He even warned her that she'd feel depressed if she wasn't near him but she didn't listen. At this point, I'd prefer to read about the Baltimore Ravens (millennial SuperBowl champions, baby!) but since the priest from earlier comes in the nick of time to keep her from jumping off the balcony, I guess we're stuck with this fake independent heroine. The priest invites her to his cottage to talk about Mikhail and after some reluctance, she goes. On the way, she debtaes for the 50th time whether she loves the guy or not and whether she should be with him or not. Since she's in hysterics at the thought of him asleep and unreachable, the answer should be clear. And yet the same argument comes up, "Oh he's so possessive and old fashioned and controlling but he's so hot and he does sex real good."
Despite what the priest said, we don't actually learn much about Mikhail's past besides him being a good, religious man who has helped the village. Raven gets some comfort in working in the garden (and brushes off the urge to lay and sleep on the dirt, grave-style). The sun hurts her eyes, she still can't eat food, and she has superhuman hearing and yet she still doesn't know the whole story with her boyfriend. If these weird, new powers don't have her fainting in shock, the hippie Carpathian healing ritual shouldn't faze her either. Speaking of superhuman hearing, she overhears some of the tourists planning to go kill Mikhail at his castle, convinced he's a vampire. Jacob is among them. This reminds me of when the villagers and Gaston charge off to kill the Beast. 'Through the mist, through the woods, through the darkness and the shadows. It's a nightmare but it's one exciting riiide.' ...I have to stop comparing this subppar book to that Disney movie.
The tiny, tired, hunger weakend, easily sunburned Raven decides to follow them to protect her possibly undead man. Oh this will surely end well. Luckily, soulmate sex gives her some animal agility and stealth but she can't do anything when they stop at a clearing and start digging. Looks like Carpathians, like the naked mole rat, go underground to give birth. Raven offers psychic reassurance to the trapped Carpathian woman underground before actually stepping out and buying some time by making small talk with them. When they reveal there's a vampire underground, Raven is all surprised and tries to talk some sense into old Mrs. Summers, who is also an apprent psychic (hmm, small world). When that doesn't work, Raven just takes off running but gets tackled by Jacob and things are finally getting interesting!
When Jacob rips her shirt open for some evil raping, he finds out she's bitten and therefore one of the undead. All things considered, he does the only thing he can; he stabs her, like four times. Holy balls! The reinforcements finally come after Raven called for them at least twenty times. Geez, don't the forest have ears or something. And the wolves in the forest are friends with the Carpathias so why didn't they make kibble of the wannabe vampire slayers? Anyway, a storm comes from out of nowhere as Mikhail tries to keep the blood from gushing out of Raven and the Carpathian mole rat woman starts giving birth. There's tree-exploding lightning and ground splitting earthquakes as Raven is dying but Mikhail makes her drink his blood which I believe, going by "third time's the charm" rules, is the final time necessary for blood sharing before she's completely turned to the dark side whereas Raven was maybe 75% Carpathian before. I dunno.
Jacques and some others help Mikhail with CPR and chest compressions which I can't imagine help much when she's been stabbed in the lung or something. We're so focused on her that we don't get any description of the other Carpathians killing the touristy vampire slayers or the process of a Carpathian giving birth. Way to drop the ball, Feehan. But let me guess how many pages of coy euphemisms and repetitive details I'll have to sit through when Raven and her grieving soulmate have the eventual, "I'm so glad you're alive" sex. (And you know they will. You really think the author will kill off one half of the romantic couple?) Team Keep-Raven-Alive get a transfusion daisy chain going after the dirt and the grass patches don't seem to work. Gee, ya think? Raven's getting Mikhail's blood and Mikhail is getting Jaques' blood and Jacques is getting that other guy's blood. The resident Carpathian healer has the difficult task of bringing back some tiny girl from the brink of death. I feel like I'd be more invested and on the edge of my seat if I actually liked her (though I don't actively hate her either. About halfway into this and I'm kinda meh on them both.)
When they try to use the supposed healing properties of the earth on Raven, she mentally panics, as anyone would by being frickin' buried alive. They decide just dumping dirt all over her bed will be a decent substitute. Jacques stays behind to protect his brother and Raven while the others go out and feed. It sure has been a long, exciting night (too bad we only got details on one third of it). Raven finally wakes up and tries to remember what happened and why she's not dead. Connect the dots, Raven... aaaaand she finally gets it. Mikhail is laying it on thick, insisting they are not vampires since they're not evil and not undead and they can totally wear crosses and eat garlic if they want. Raven doesn't wanna be a Vampathian because she thinks drinking blood is icky. You always forget about the blood drinking when you romanticize non-vampires. In any case, after she insists she should die, he attempts suicide himself because he'll follow her wherever she goes (yeah, that's healthy). But I guess it also serves as a good motivator for her to get over her hemophobia since her spit now has healing properties. She sucks his blood and before long he's sucking on her. Just one paragraph to get to the "so glad you're alive" sex? Called it.
A good drinking game for anyone naively curious enough to pick up this book (and trust me, alcohol would only improve the reading experience), is to take a shot every time you read the word "silk", "satin", "need", "desire", "erotic", "hot/heat", "soul" (extra shot for "soulmate"), or "breast" (and yet no mention of other sexy appendages). The bonus word would be "moist" (chug for five seconds. One second for every letter in that cringe-worthy word; and no 123 seconds; I'm talking Mississippi-seconds.) Anyway, today's sex romp is brought to you by the letters L, S, & D. Trees rustle in harmony, stars float and wink above you, wolves give a congratulatory howl. And now they're in some underground hotsprings complete with waterfalls. Okay, most people wouldn't be able to have boiling water sex on rough cave rock floors, especially when they had gaping chest wounds not a few minutes earlier. But these are no mere mortals. They're super sexy immortals that need to catch up on all that sex they've been *not* having before they met each other.
Skip ahead, skip ahead, looks like they didn't get all the assassins. Or rather, the assassins didn't all go out on that murder excavation. If there's no bloody, descriptive vengeance for the remaining two (or three? I'm only half paying attention at this point), then this book will have lost me on all counts. Raven wants to go with Mikhail because she tends to start crying when she can't talk to him but saying she's not the type to sit at home like a good wifey seems contradistory. Either she's too weak to be apart from him or she's strong enough to help with the hunt. Ugh. This is just one of many literary description problems I have with this book.
Night time comes and Mikhail leaves but after some exploring of the castle, Raven gets bored and uses her new primal senses to scope out the forest. She might be naked except for a cape she's wearing (I'd make a reference to 'The Cape' if anyone but Abed knew what that was). She comes across a grieving young man who is apparently the son of one of the wannabe vampire slayers that were killed earlier. I can already predict what's gonna happen (and I don't even need to whine about not touching people; I'm just antisocial!) There'll be some comfort from Raven, unrequited feelings from the guy, and extensive jealousy from Mikhail. Looks like the guy's father killed his mother (the midiwfe), so yeah, definitely glad he was an a-hole that deserved the mauling I didn't get to read about.
And I was right. Mikhail stumbles upon them and after a few stilted formalities, he whisks his lady back to his place and they have yet another weak-ass fight where she feels he's too controlling and he feels she's too reckless. They realize they don't really know all that much about each other (and the author insists that even though they're mostly physically and sexually attracted to each other, it's totally a deeper bond than that, you guys). This valid discussion leads to a mind meld. Interesting... ish. She sees the primal predator in him and his bloody memories or whatever. Prince Mikhail reveals that their little healer friend is stronger than him and is close to turning to the dark side, so to speak. So I guess his prince title isn't relative to him being the strongest of the Carpathians. Ah, politics. The cool healer guy, Gregori, wouldn't turn evil if he had his soulmate because apparently all Carpathian women are the light that balance their men's darkness. Hmm. Antiquated gender stereotyping aside, this whole story concept has so much potential and would be infinitely more enganing and intriguing under more capable hands, and with far less sex scenes, like the one that's coming right now.
Arrrrgh. Are we sure the Carpathians aren't part-bunny? Around noon, the crypt consorts are woken up by the grieving son who has found his father's evidence box or something and is ready to wreak some vengeance. With bombs. Dude, are there no cops in Romania? Also, why does every guy who have the mildest romantic interest in Raven turn into an a-hole? Mikhail and the sleepy Raven belly crawl to the cellar via trap door while a fire rages above them. Raven refuses to be buried alive even though the "healing earth" is good for all Carpathians. With much difficulty (since he's also week and groggy during the day) Mikhail grabs her, opens a grave-sized hole in the ground, and pulls them both in, sealing them up. Raven is just flipping out and this has actually been moderately interesting so far. A bit heavy handed with the guilt and love declarations but still, seeing the prince trying to calm down his birdy beloved while she's mid-panic attack is kind of amusing. Also amusing is the fact that he's exhausting his strength in speaking psychically to her when they're pretty much two inches apart, underground where no one would hear them even if there wasn't a loudly crumbling, blazing house above them.
Mikhail's getting nowhere and it looks like even Carpathian powers are no match for scaring yourself to death but suddenly, the healer Gregori makes his voice known. No, he's not there with them (I wish!) He's actually quite far but he sounds calm and collected and Mikhail is a bit suspicious and worried that guy is strong enough to send psychic thoughts from so far away and in the middle of the day when their species are at their most tired and vulnerable. After vaguely promising Raven's future daughter will be Gregori's lifemate (shades of Rumpelstiltskin, anyone?) Gregori mentally puts Raven to sleep. He and Jacques go to the charred remains of what I kept referring to as a castle but I guess was just a big, fancy house (still better than what I'm living in). After some animal shifting, the two brothers exchange stiff hugs and Mikhail takes his sleeping Raven out of the crypt, and... creates clothes for her? So she was naked? And he can magically create clothes? My BS-o-meter can only take so much.
Jacques and Gregori inform their nervous prince that the grieving bomber is currently hospitalized but he mailed out the supposed evidence to other contacts and it looks like the Carpathians will be encountering more amateur vampire slayers in their near future. I remember when tourists used to be satisfied with pictures and a kitchy bottle of Dracula's Blood Wine from Bram Castle. It takes a while to bring Raven out of her terror-state but Gregori of all people manage to do it and bring some comfort to her. If this irrevocable soulmate thing wasn't in place, I'd think Mikhail's trusted confidante and cool-headed, right hand man would make an interesting third side to a possible love triangle. Alas, there's no will-they-won't-they here so manufactured arguments and normal guys going bomb crazy have to provide the weak drama and conflict. Even the brother... actually, no. Despite the potential for juicy drama, Jacques is too good for her.
The three imposing men take her to a cabin and much too quickly, Jacques and Gregori leave so Mikhail and Raven can start with the googly eyes and endless love declarations. Come baaaack you guys! Or at least take me with you, narratively speaking! I'd MUCH rather follow these two guys and hear their conversation as they trek back to wherever. After some cabin sex where he ruins some perfectly good jeans, (you were choking to death from fear a few hours before, lady!) Mikhail leaves to carry out some much needed vengeance, or he would if he wasn't guilt tripped into choosing forgiveness by Saint Raven over there. That chick is dangerously close to Mary Sue levels. There's a point where grief driven insanity crosses the line into evil insanity, and that point is littered with firebombs. Well, we'll see what Mikhail does while his brother keeps guard over Raven.
Gregori insists on taking the hospitalized bomber's blood (in addition to nourishing them, it gives them access tot heir victim's minds and memories. Also, they got into the hospital undetected by turning into undetectable mist. This is really superpower overkill.) After giving him a good scare and taking his drugged up blood, Gregori finds out the guy's abusive grandfather started the whole vampire hunt thing after he tried to dig dirt on Mikhail and found out more than he bargained for. The amatuer vampire hunters seem to be more organized than the author initially, and sloppily, let on. Mikhail and Gregori find the box of evidence in the guy's house, exchange some bleak words about Gregori close to letting go of his last shreds of "humanity" if he goes to war with the amateur vampire slayers, and take their leave. But then suddenly Mikhail's BPF (Best Priest Friend) senses are tingling and he takes a detour to the priest's house, finding everything ransacked and scattered. The priest is gone but there's blood. Tasty.
The two Carpathians decide the priest isn't dead and quickly find a trail leading into the woods. This is almost bordering on watered-down adventure and suspense. They run quite a distance, ending up at a ravine and nearly getting attacked by rival wolves (Gregori dispatches them with ease because he's a cool, cold-blooded killer and Mikhail is a simpering, love-whipped prince who harmonizes with nature). They realize this is the handiwork of a vampire and this whole thing may be a trap. They locate the vampire's lair and it looks like there'll be some wicked superhuman fighting but of course we cut back to Raven because everyone wants to know what she's up to while an epic cave battle rages on. Jacques making wisecracks help me get through the scene. Raven is worried and Jacques tries to calm his pacing, ping-pong ball of a sister-in-law (his words, more or less). After she knocks him on his ass (you did not-!), Jacques good-naturedly conjures her a sweater and takes them outside to wait on the porch (he explains the clothing conjuring by saying they have the power to create anything that's natural. As lame and half-assed that explanation is, at least he gave one.)
Outside, the two sense the priest and someone else appproaching their remote cabin. Jacques is suspicious as to how they were even found and he tries to convince her to leave but it's too late. When she sees the injured priest, she tries to go to his aid and the guy with him is one of those amateur vampire slayers/tourists that was named before but I didn't really memorize because 'eff this story. It looks like the cave battle has been moved to the woods with Jacques and I guess some new vampire as the main contenders. Go Jacques! I mean literally, get out of there! You can transform into the fastest animals on earth or air (I guess take Raven with you if you have to.) The sun is rising and three Carpathian men are sending psychic messages for her to get out of there since she's about as useful in a fight as an understuffed pillow. So of course, Raven jumps on the vampire assailant's back and promptly gets her wrist mangled. Ugh. She's the worst.
The evil tourist holding the priest hostage seems to be working for the vampire, so it's two bad guys, a priest, Raven, and Jacques in those woods. Sorry it was unclear but I work with what I'm given. After Raven calls for Mikhail and tries to heal up Jacques, the evil tourist takes her hostage on the threat of more bodily harm to the old priest. She and the priest end up in a car and she learns that some vampire named Andre (3000?) is pulling the strings of this amateur vampire slayer group. So they're being controlled by the very thing they hunt. How contradictory and fascinating. No wait, what's that other word? I mean insanely stupid.
The two Carpathian men finally make it to the wounded Jacques and despite the sun burning him and making him drowsy, Mikhail's main concern is for his brother. Good. As it should be. When he runs to the cabin, he sees two more amateur hunters and goes all insanity wolf on them. Yeeess. He's a bit of a pansy when it comes to killing (I guess some would call it "having a concience". I like "being a pansy" better) so Gregori does the dirty work. When they finally get Jacques underground, they blah blah blah some more about Gregori's love for killing and vengeance and him toeing the line of evil vampire and Carpathian (like there's such a big difference. Feh.) Andre, who is surely more than 3000 years old (or >3000 years old, mathematically speaking) is angry when he sees his cave lair all trashed up (I guess the prince and the healer did something while Jacques was getting his ass beat.)
The priest tries to distract Raven from her blood hunger and weakness while they're imprisoned. She gets a mental message from Mikhail that he's on his way with no backup. That should totally go well. Vamprire Andre >3000 visits his prisoners and throws the poor old priest against a wall. Pretty sure he's dead now. Raven is too weak (well, weaker than usual) to muster anything more than comtempt and sadness. The vampire tries to give her some drugged blood but she refuses. When he tries to force her, his hand gets burned. It would be cool to say that she somehow psychically burned the guy but Mikhail did it from a distance which says a lot about their supposed "partnership". Sorry women's rights, you don't get a say in this. Even with superpowers, Raven needs to be saved from the bad, bad man.
Mikhail gets there right after Ravenous Raven drinks the drugged blood. Apparently, Andre >3000 plans to trick the drugged Raven into thinking she's his soulmate and using her as leverage, he'll get blood from Mikhail and the blood connection will allow him to read both their minds and cause them pain...? Screw it, some dude shoots Mikhail anyway, so that dumb, convoluted plan is out the window. Vampire flies off with his birdy captive, Mikhail gets chained up, and the tourist who shot him gets to boast for about five minutes before magical rocks start raining down on him and pretty much killing his dumb ass. Gregori arrives soon after, ready with a cool quip and some blood and dirt to heal up the punctured prince. And now here comes a new character onto the scene. A blonde Carpathian man introduced in the last two or three chapters? Sure, why the hell not. His only usefulness (and I mean that in the loosest sense of the word) is that he knows that vampire pretty well and he adds more sympathy to the Carpathian cause. We don't need more bleeding hearts we need men of action! This new guy isn't the only one who's showing up since it would seem every Carpathian in the world felt a disturbance in the force when Mikhail got shot.
Andre >3000 flew the weak, woozy woman to some secluded place. He spins a story about him being her soulmate and her hitting her head so that's why she's in pain. Raven plays dumb (ooh, real stretch there) while she mentally communicates with Mikhail. Inside the house, Raven sees a chained couple and since she never sucked human blood (her boyfriend always fed her his blood like some creepy blood-suckling baby) she has to think fast. She gets all teary eyed and lays on the guilt and confusion and it actually works. Andre >3000 is flusterred and she feels loneliness radiating from him which has her sympathy flaring up. Wow. That's So Raven. (Surprised it took me so long to make that joke? I am too. And this book would be much better if Disney's Raven was the protagonist. She's a hell of a better psychic too.)
Leaving the house for a moment gives Raven some time to comfort the chained man but he gets all frightened and agitated and starts choking the woman. Mikhail senses this and psychically tries to kill the human. Real nice, princey, you nearly kill the imprisoned human who's lashing out in sheer panic but you don't so much as give the vampire who kidnapped your girlfriend a psychic wedgie? Raven gets a vision of Andre >3000 doing terrible things and after some more vaguely comforting words, he returns and he's not nearly as understanding as before. When Raven gets in the way of him hypnotizing his female prisoner/meal, the vampire grabs her by the hair and gets pissed. But not as pissed as Mikhail who FINALLY has arrived, with all the powers of Storm and a bunch of loyal Carpathians to boot. Rather than tear him apart on the cellular level, Mikhail does some speech about justice or something.
Raven has plenty of time to find the keys to unshackle the vampire's human prisoners but suddenly crumples down in horrible pain. It seems that convoluted plan of Andre >3000's actually worked. Hey ya, indeed. She's feeling the vampire's pain as he's getting his ass handed to him by the raging prince and she's seeing Mikhail through the vampire's eyes which stilll paints Mikhail as handsome even if he is a dead-eyed monster. The killing is over far too quick for my tastes which, according to Feehan, would make me a monster. I invite anyone reading this to sit down and read her writings then tell me who the real monster is. (probably still me but at least I'm dragging her down with me!)
Alright, last chapter, so let's sum this bad boy up! The flighty, female protagonist wakes up groggy and unsure of her memories but some soothing, hypnotic words from her lover boy calm her down. A mind merge followed by a genitals merge definitely help. They plan to move somewhere more remote to escape future amateur vampire slayers but not before attending the old priest's funeral service. As his oldest friend, Mikhail, gives the eulogy and instead of a twenty one gun salute (which wouldn't make sense but would be pretty damn awesome), the attending Carpathians turn into birds. And of course Raven, the newest member and future hope of all Carpathian kind turns into..... an owl. FUUUUU-!
***
I am DONE with this book, thank goodness! Wow, this was baaaad. I've read fanfics miles better than this. (Yes, I've read a fanfic or two... Dignity has been thrown out the window 300-something pages ago). This was probably the worst way to introduce me to romantic novels. It's like, if I wanted to learn how to swim after only having experienced a bathtub volume of water and rather than start from the shallow end of the pool with floaties on, I get dumped naked into the Atlantic Ocean. And there are sharks everywhere. And it's on fire somehow. I guess this should teach me to research my books more but part of the fun is reading the books when I have no firm idea of how it would unfold or end. But if the fun surprises are outweighed by the not-so-fun surprises, I may have to rethink my spoiler policy.
In the interest of being fair, there were maybe (only!) three things this book had going for it: 1) no cheating hos (except for that cheating manho early on), 2) ignoring the repetitive sex scenes with no important information allowed me to cut down 1/3 of my reading, and 3) Jacques. (I'm sorry but a wry, joking, non-brooding version of McHottie gets my seal of approval; I guess there's a tiny bit of a romantic in me after all. This is truly the Darkest Timeline.)
No comments:
Post a Comment