The Dead Zone

Third entry in and I'm already out of order. There's two reasons for this. Chronologically, I was supposed to be up to The Shining by now but I decided to leave that one for last due to sentimental reasons (it's the only Stephen King book-turned-movie I've seen in full... and loved!) Skipping it over, I should be doing The Stand, right? Guess how hard it is to find the original, non-extended version of The Stand? About as hard as it is to squeeze horror out of a Lifetime original movie even if you stick in psychic powers. With that clumsy segue planted, let us go beyond the third and fourth books and into...  The Dead Zone.

Part One: The Wheel of Fortune

I don't know why Stephen King has such an affinity for the number three but not since Carrie has three parts been so unnecessary for a book. This first part is longer than both parts two and three combined and trust me when I say I felt the length. There's also a prologue which basically shows us two events. A young boy, named John Smith (Generic McLastName not snappy enough?) trips while ice skating because he was a show off. He hits his head really hard and when he comes to, he spouts off vague warnings at an older booze-hound who's questioning which of the two sound drunker, I'm sure. Over on the Christian side of the country, a 20-something year old bible salesman named Greg Stillson attacks and kills a guard dog after getting an evil migraine. He drives off, trying to convince himself he's not crazy but  kicking a dog after spraying it with ammonia has to be leaning away from the sanity side.

The first chapter begins on Halloween. Johnny Smith is all grown up and scaring girls with glow in the dark masks. He's a young, new teacher along with his young, overly serious girlfriend, Sarah. And her tightly wound seriousness in her classes is in direct, and opposite, proportion to her seriousness about her feelings for Johnny. See, School Marm Sarah has what I like to call "Bad Boy Fever". Her old boyfriend was a mean drunk, an uncaring companion, and a "passionate" lover despite not giving her many, how shall I put it, "happy endings" in bed. Ugh. If I wanted to read about a self-loathing woman who's aching for her bad boy ex and unsure of herself sexually, I'd read 50 Shades of Vampire Fanfiction. You know what's interesting? Vietnam. And student strikes and various other things that seem to be happening in this early 1970s time. Okay, maybe interesting is not the right word but it's definitely better than hearing about Sarah's intimacy issues with the douche (not her ex, I mean a literal douche. Yeah.)

Johnny's taking her to the Halloween county fair in some little Maine town because if you want some fun, spooky times, Maine is clearly the place to go. These two lovebirds trade jokes and make-out on every single ride and it's actually rather cute. After gorging themselves on hot dogs and Alka Seltzer (Sarah will be wishing for the latter), they stop at the Wheel of Fortune minus Pat Sajak. It's nothing more than a glorified roulette wheel and Johnny, after more or less finding out he'll be gettin' some from Sarah, tests how good his luck really is. He starts small, betting dimes and putting them on the appropriate slots, winning dozens and dozens of dollars. I'll assume it was a lot back 1970s. Johnny's last spin, however, wins him an amount we can all appreciate, even in the new millennium: over five hundred bucks. Sarah's so excited she runs off and pukes. Or maybe it was the weird vibes Johnny gave off when he was concentrating on the wheel that made her stomach all queasy. Looks like Sarah's sexy offer has gone down the drain, along with her breakfast, lunch, and carnie dinner. This turn of bad luck sticks with Johnny even as he's taking a cab home. The cabbie opts to complain rather than keep his eyes on the road. There are metaphors about America's troubles using hot dogs and Nixon and suddenly Greased Lightning comes out of no where to smash into the cabbie.

The Smiths were Asleep when they got the ill-fated call at two in the morning and Mrs. Smith is in a Panic because This Charming Man, through no fault of his own, is in critical condition at the hospital. She's a bit on the fanatical religious side, and I can't help but Ask if Greg the bible salesman sold her that bible. They find out their son got some severe head trauma and is in a coma that can last from a few hours to a few months. I know it's mean of me to wish the Girlfriend In A Coma, especially when she was Still Ill just a few hours prior but Johnny's too young for the Cemetry Gates. After a few days, the parents go back home because What Difference Does It Make if they stay? Sarah grieves in her own way and her students actually behave, taking pity on the supposed Wonderful Woman. Okay, okay any old school and/or indie music fans are probably thinking "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore". I'll stop and continue with my writing in this glowing room where There Is a Light That Never Goes Out. (Yeah, that last one was a stretch.)

There's a little interlude with an unknown killer attacking some defenseless girl due to his own mommy issues and sexual inadequacies. Hmm. Then back to Sarah and the Smiths, where Mr. Smith tries to keep in touch with his son's old girlfriend while Mrs. Smith goes off the deep end, religion-wise. I'm talking UFO apocalypse, prayer stone collecting, believing Heaven is under the North Pole levels of kooky. Well these two interludes are rather depressing. Let's see what dog-killer, Bible pushing Greg Stillson is up to. It's been almost twenty years since we last saw him and he's got the same old crazy eyes but now he's got some power. He's aiming to be a mayor in some small town and he's making alliances with a drugged up biker? I wish I could say this kind of corruption in leaders is surprising but no.

Let's summarize a whole bunch of pages and years to get to something major. After about a year and a half, Sarah starts dating again and she marries a law student and later has a baby with him. I feel like such a girl for wanting her to wait by Johnny's side, especially when I was complaining about the mushy emotional stuff earlier. Logically, I can't blame her for moving on. She wasn't actually a serious girlfriend (they didn't even do the "happy ending" snuggle in bed). Mr Smith got himself injured on some construction job and that killer with the sex issues has officially turned serial; the Castle Rock Strangler. Catchy. We're flying by 1971, 1972, 1973, 1974 and I'm learning a lot about the early 1970s and the huge amounts of rioting, Nixon, the Vietnam War, and rioting Nixon's Vietnam War. Four and a half years after that fateful Halloween, Sleeping Beauty wakes up to a dark room and an impending crap storm.

As soon as Johnny touches his doctor, the psychic link makes a connection and he realizes he's been in a coma for an entire presidential term (impeachment not-withstanding) and they've invented felt tip pens. He's pretty shaken by this revelation but not nearly as shaken as his parents when they get the call. His mom is freakin' ecstatic, of course, and his dad, while teary-eyed, isn't exactly a cuddly bear (who shakes his son's hand after he comes out of a nearly five year coma?) but it's the news of Sarah's nuptials, the girl he wanted to marry one day, that brings reality crashing down on Johnny. When did this psychic horror story become a hospital melodrama? All we need is a '70s version of The Fray. Johnny's soon up and ready for physical therapy. The first part of it consists of a CAT scan and ink blot tests. Johnny can visualize 18 out of 20 image scenarios in his mind. The other two are in "the dead zone" of his brain. Really? That's what this title refers to? I should've taken this as a sign of impending disappointments.

Johnny then spices up the usual testing by grabbing one of his doctor's photos; a picture of his mother from the second world war. He sees intense images of Nazis, and fire, and hospitals, and amnesia. Then he tells the doctor that his mother is alive, living in California under a different name. After confirming, his doctor gets all cryptic wondering what they're gonna do with Johnny. I have a suggestion. Let the poor guy sleep. He just found out his president is Gerald 'Nixon Pardoning' Ford and gas prices are a whopping fifty cents. Plus he woke up just in time to see the rise of disco. The good thing about taking your sweet time to wake up is that medical science marches on. It's advanced so that he can get an operation to fix the ligaments in his legs and maybe he can walk again. The pain after surgery is intense enough that he wants to die. There can't be any worse pain short of a long lost love coming back into your- oh, hello Sarah.

Jokes about cocaine use aside (yup that's their running, inside joke), the two former sweethearts try to make nice and catch up. Sarah laments the what ifs. What if she didn't let him leave her place? What if she didn't get sick from a crappy carnival hot dog? What if I chose to devote my blog to Nicholas Sparks instead of Stephen King? Because right now I'm not seeing much of a difference. Bringing up her rich husband doesn't do much to cheer anyone up and after she kisses him I wanna smack her for getting his hopes up like that. This amount of contact allows Johnny to "see" where Sarah lost her wedding ring. Whoop-de-doo. Sarah's delicate constitution has her throwing up in the hospital's ladies room after that little bout of mind-reading and I have no idea what to make of it. Geez, lady, you change poopy diapers with no sweat but can't stomach Johnny's eyes of premonition? Away with you.

Near the tail end of summer, Rip Van Johnny is on his feet and able to walk, and swim, and all that good stuff. He's even offered his old teaching job and a possible book deal. Of course, fate likes to give the good with the bad. After Johnny has another premonition, in front of a bunch of gossipy nurses, the reporters rush over like paparazzi on a Kardashian. One particularly skeptical reporter demands proof of Johnny's power and with much reluctance, he holds an object of the reporter's and does his trance talk. The skeptic trash talking reporter is so shocked he faints. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't all caught on camera for everyone to see, including Johnny's heart-weakened mother. One stroke later, he's off to visit his mother with his doctor, Dr Weizak, at his side. They're friends by now and it's kind of sad but at least someone's looking out for Johnny this whole time. His mother dies at the hospital but not before telling him to do God's work instead of running away from his destiny and listen to the little voice in his head when it's time. And then she dies. This is depressing all the funny snarkiness out of me. And there wasn't that much funniness to begin with.

We get a much needed reprieve, however brief, with Mayor Greg whose bible selling days are long gone but his bullying days are still going strong. He threatens some rich kid with a broken Pepsi bottle and manages to draw some blood even with a wicked migraine. Remember when glass soda bottles were common? I don't but nostalgia is neat. Sarah gets upset at her husband for thinking Johnny is some kind of liar, after reading his story in the paper. I guess it's worth noting that she flushed the wedding ring she found, thanks to Johnny's vision. She could've pawned it, especially since her good friend Johnny is up to his elbows in hospital debt, but instead she went and pulled a Titanic on that expensive piece of jewelry. Remember the movie Titanic? I vaguely do and it was a tragic story done right. Living back with his dad, Johnny gets a visit from a tabloid city slicker and he finally unleashes the fury of ten thousand... well, he manages a good shake and boot to the ass before getting a headache. Remember when psychics and religious nuts were actually creepy in a King novel? Okay, I'll stop remembering.

While Mayor Greg is gearing up for a presidential campaign with blackmail and vague threats, Johnny is finally getting himself a sweet slice of lovin'... from Sarah. She wants to repay that sexy promise five years ago by sleeping with him. She brought her infant son and her husband is off in some important Washington meeting and she's talking about how it's the "fair" thing to do and I just can't. I was sad before but now I'm just pissed off. I was ambivalent toward this girl but damn it, now I hate the bitch. What the hell kind of reasoning?!? Cheating, blonde, stupid... it's utter bull... gaaaahhh! After they do it in a barn while her baby naps on the porch, they have some dinner with Johnny's dad and she leaves. According to Mr. King, he won't see her for another three years. Good riddance, and I hope the stretch mark sex was worth it, psychic boy.

I'm sorry. I promise not to lose the little sense of open-minded decorum I try to project on this amateur blog. So a few days after the bitch leaves, Johnny sees his name besmirched in that a-hole's tabloid but he'll put up with angry, misspelled hatemail if he'll finally be left alone to live like a poorer, older Peter Parker. And he would succeed if not for a sheriff that wants him to help find the Castle Rock Strangler. Yeah. Bet you'd never thought you'd see that name again. I was starting to think so too but it's about time we get some deranged killer suspense. Johnny refuses to help, citing his pledge to be normal but he still replays the closest thing to an Aunt May speech in his mind. It seems like it was just yesterday his mother urged him to accept responsibility before she stroked out. Remember? (Okay, okay, I'll stop.) It's not until a nine year old girl gets violated and strangled that Johnny agrees to meet with the Castle Rock sheriff. I feel something inside me grow. A sense of hope and interest. This book may have touched upon horror once or twice but right now, above all else, this story is taking a turn for the criminal/murder mystery and damn if that's not another of my genre interests. Grab that strangler by the balls, Johnny!

A bunch of reporters are at the Castle Rock police station and you can bet they'll have themselves a juicy story whether his psychic power catches the perp or not. Is Gerald Ford not doing anything newsworthy? Well Johnny does identify the killer but the Castle Rock sheriff can't believe it. It's one of his younger deputies, a guy he considers like a son. They compare timelines and it seems to fit, especially when they find a similar murder in another town the young deputy went to for a police conference. After much arguing, a thrown punch, and comparing Johnny to a two-headed cow (really?), they go to the deputy suspect's house and muscle pass his big mama who is just as pleasant as can be expected from a woman who made his son wear clothespins on his penis. As if that wasn't bad enough, she knew about the girls he murdered and helped cover it up. How many male readers are still stuck on the penis clothespin thing? Well worry not because he won't be feeling that misery anymore; the Castle Rock Strangler is found on the toilet with his neck slit and an "I confess" note written in lipstick. The Freudian levels are through the roof. All this while his gigantic mother is downstairs having a heart attack. Johnny killed himself two sickos with one psychic stone. Way to go, Johnny!

And that thrilling little detective work was about fifty pages long. We end part one, and the new year, not on a triumphant note but on Johnny once again being in the spotlight and getting screwed over by the attention. He doesn't get the teaching job because the school board is full of old men who think anything more controversial than rock & roll is borne from the devil's colon. While his teacher friend tried to fight for Johnny's job, it was a no go and Johnny doesn't care if he's got some gift from God. He just wants to stop and be left alone. What are the odds on Johnny changing his mind again and being a psychic detective in part two? You bring the roulette wheel and I'll bring the dimes.

Part Two: The Laughing Tiger

Well at least someone is laughing. I regret skipping the second and third stories in King's publishings but I continue on. If Johnny can handle living this lousy post-coma life, I can handle reading about it. As for the beginning of this part, it's actually a happy start. It's months after that terrible winter of discontent and Johnny moved away to try and start a new life. Thanks to his generic name it's very possible for him to blend in. He finds himself work as a tutor to a rich jock who ‒ get this ‒ isn't a jackass! Will wonders never cease. In between tutoring part time and working at a diner during the night shift, Johnny drives around New Hampshire to see, and maybe even touch, the politicians making their rounds. Everyone has their hobbies, I suppose. It's a very important election year and Johnny manages to get little visions of each politician he can get a hold of. That's actually pretty damn handy when trying to differentiate between mounds of political horsecrap. He even shakes Jimmy Carter's hand and predicts he'll win the presidency. Wait, when did King write this book? 1979? Aww, I was almost impressed. Cheater.

Ah hell, I can't stay mad at King when he seems to be giving Johnny a reprieve from his crapshoot life. And even Johnny's rich employer can see he deserves all the praise and five hundred dollar bonuses for making headway with his son. Hmm, last time Johnny won himself five hundred bucks, he got his legs smashed and his head "dead zoned". Johnny and his boss sit back to watch the news and politics, which is surprisingly timely at the time I'm reading this book what with the presidential election mere weeks away. We get the usual democrat and republican candidate but who's the crazy independent in the lead? It's Mayor Greg with a slew of biker bodyguards, promising the people tons of Arab oil, garbage disposal (into outer space), and all the hot dogs they can eat. Wow. Wait, hot dogs? Last time I saw the word hot dog, a certain school marm thought it was the cause of her illness. Are these symbolic connections or mere coincidences? With Stephen King, you never quite knooooow!

So Johnny has the rich man's house to himself and is enjoying his little life. Even his widowed dad is making a new lady friend. This part of the book is named after a Vietnamese game, as explained by one of the rich man's servants; a bunch of kids run around chasing another kid dressed like a tiger. I think this particular metaphor applies to crazy ole Greg as the tiger, who is harmless yet also dangerous? Johnny lets the metaphor rattle him, as he subconsciously drives over to where Mayor Greg is doing his campaigning. Something about the "man inside the skin-beast" being more like the "beast inside the man-skin". Next to depressing details, this book is chock full of metaphors. The campaign site is crazy. It's crowded and I bet at least half the people are there for the amusement factor or to be "ironic". I know I'd check out a candidate who wore a construction hat and ran around like a bull, promising to get rid of politician crooks. Plus free hot dogs.

Johnny and Greg finally meet. It's brief but that one handshake is apparently the most earth-shattering event of either of their lives. King does not spare the tiger-filled metaphors as Johnny sees a future where Greg is president and things are very blue. Both emotionally and literally. After an FBI agent warns him to stay away from Greg, Johnny has another chat about tigers with the friendly Vietnamese servant. The gist of it being that even non-Americans can see there's something not-quite-right about Greg and like a man-eating tiger, Greg has a taste for blood and must be put down. You can't argue with the finger gun, Johnny. And he doesn't argue too much but he does get all obsessive about Greg Stillson. We get the history of Mr. Ruthless, bible thumping, hot dog purveyor. It is long and full of the usual ups and downs. Dead dad, mom who overlooked his troubles, a born-again stint that endeared him to the Christians and fast tracked him to town support and power. I wouldn't have minded getting this information earlier and spread out. You know, before the massive crap Mr. King's text took on my heart.

Seeing his father get re-married and seeing his old flame, Sarah, pregnant again with her husband and toddler in tow, well it's no wonder Johnny gets drunk at his dad's wedding and starts talking about Hitler. Okay, some context. When you think charismatic, underachiever who's had run-ins with the law but won over his citizens with crazy promises, who's the first name that pops into your mind? If it's Hitler, congratulations. I just implanted that answer into your mind. Much like the Vietnamese servant implanted the idea of actually killing Greg before he gets too much power. Johnny poses the age old internet question: if you could go back in time would you kill Hitler? He asks his new step-mother's father, a World War 1 vet. He's very enthusiastic in his affirmation of Nazi murder. Johnny asks his rich boss who thinks he can pull an Inglourious Basterd and infiltrate and take the regime down from the inside. Johnny even asks his jock student and the answer is surprisingly noble. The kid would kill Hitler even if he got caught and hanged. Now I wanna go around asking people what they'd do if they could go back in time to kill Hitler. I'm sure there's been entire papers published on this Hitler conundrum from both sides of the argument. And I think I've used the word "Hitler" about as much as Stephen King used metaphors in regards to this book.

It's graduation time and Johnny's jock student is pretty damn grateful for all that his tutor has done. He goes in for a manly hug and of course the unthinkable happens. Surprise erection. No, I kid. That psychic premonition thing kicks in and Johnny gets all pale and weak-kneed pleading with the rich parents to keep their son from going to some fancy restaurant because it's going to get hit by lightning and burn down. The whole graduating class is going there and the rich family hesitantly humor Johnny, getting as many students to come over to their place for the party instead. His predictions come true and people in attendance freak out. The jock's new girlfriend has the audacity to accuse Johnny of causing it, like Carrie. I kid you not, Stephen King slipped a reference to one of his earlier works into this book. Dude, you do NOT want to remind me of a clearly superior psychic novel in this bundle of depressing, anger inducing tale of politics, cheating wives, and Godwin's Law.

In the weeks and months that follow that fateful night, Johnny has run off to work at some public construction place and his old rich employer is grateful enough to not only pay off his hospital bills but send him one last check. Guilt is a powerful motivator. So are visions of a grim future which motivate Johnny (who may or may not have caught some residual craziness from Greg when they shared that handshake) into ending Greg's political career once and for all. With a vengeance. It's not enough to dig up dirt on him, since the FBI agent who tried ended up dead. It's not even enough to maim the guy because we had a president in a wheelchair. William H. Taft, right? The guy who was so fat he had to wheel around in a rascal? History was always an iffy subject for me. The point is that John Smith is going to shoot and kill Greg Stillson. He looks increasingly sick and pale but he's a man on a mission. My anticipation levels, they are a'rising!

We are winding down to the end folks. The wheel's about to stop and the tiger is ready to keel over. See, I can do nonsense metaphors too. Johnny scopes out the town hall building where Greg will be speaking. He has a newly purchased rifle and he's mailed some letters to the important people in his life. He waits on the balcony, nearly getting caught by a janitor. When Greg gets up to the podium, Johnny takes his shot. And misses. For the love of- He takes a few more shots and keeps missing but Greg's armed, biker bodyguards don't. At one point, Greg grabs a screaming woman's child and uses the kid as a human shield and of course Johnny can't shoot him then. Johnny falls off the balcony, dying. He feels up Greg one last time and thinks everything has changed because he got some kind of blank vision. Does it mean blankness for Greg or is it just blankness from a dying Johnny? It doesn't matter because poor Johnny is dead and that scoundrel Greg still lives, yelling at his flunkies to shut the mother up and find the camera that took the picture of his cowardly human shield stunt. My goodwill towards Mr. King is gone.

Part Three: Notes from the Dead Zone

Like his first, much better, book about a psychic, the third part of this novel is composed of a few pages of excerpts, transcripts, and Johnny's letters to his dad and former flame. I'll summarize to say: Greg figured out his vision of the future with Greg as president would've involved nuclear war. Johnny was running out of time to put a stop to it because he was discovered to have a brain tumor. Dr Weizak vouches for Johnny's character and his sanity while the kid who took the incriminating picture at Greg's rally is thrilled he's practically famous and muses that Greg's likeability is on par with Nixon and the Vietnam War. Sarah's husband is richer and her hair is grayer but she still finds time to visit Johnny's grave, crying at the unfairness of it all. For the first and last time we agree on something.

So Maine's own Johnny B. Good is dead and Mayor Greg and Cuckhold Sarah are still alive. Not since Cupcake Susie have I shook my fist and proclaimed there is no justice in Stephen King's world. This book makes me want to kick a dog after spraying it with ammonia. Is this a headache I'm getting? No wait, that's allergies. Damn sinuses. That must be why I'm tearing up. Yeah... If I can change the subject a bit, I want to share my discovery that this book was not only made into a movie but also a TV show. Not a short-run miniseries but a proper show with a bunch of seasons and an abrupt cancellation. I guess I could see how this gimmick could've worked; a psychic helping detectives and saving lives. There's at least three shows like that already and they're probably more scary and less depressing than this book.

If there's anything to be taken away from this, besides avoiding roulette wheels and distracted taxi drivers, it's please, anyone who reads this, do NOT confuse The Dead Zone for something closer to The Twilight Zone, like I did. To say this is my least favorite book of Mr. King is to put it lightly. I actually had to put it down several times and debate finishing it. I almost didn't post this summary thing but I had the book already and damn if I wasn't curious and hoping for some kind of happy ending for Johnny (yes, I mean it in every way you may think).

I think my dislike for this book, besides the specific things I highlighted in this review, boils down to less focus on the thrilling horror and more on the depressing unfairness of a crippled psychic's life. If he was a woman and beaten up a little more, this would be a perfect Lifetime original movie. And if this is a taste of Stephen King's attempt at drama, I sure as hell hope it's handled better with his later works like Misery, The Shawshank Redemption, or that story about the four kids finding a dead body. Knowledge of these works is mainly thanks to a Family Guy episode, and I'm pretty sure their manatees can come up with a more engaging plot dealing with "coma" "psychic" "evil mayor" and "hot dogs".

Play me off, Johnny!