The Shining

With the closing of October (Halloween being tomorrow), I switched my classic King reading list around so this one would be the last one. I should be surprised at how different it is from the movie but I did some rudimentary wiki-search and apparently Stephen King disliked the film adaptation of this book so much he made a new movie (a more faithful adaptation to his book), aired it on TV and was greeted with mild applause for a job, well, done. Suddenly his ability to communicate the angst of a teenage girl doesn't seem so incredible.

I need to stop comparing the movie to the book and just dive right in. This book is about a teacher-turned-writer who gets a job as caretaker of a large hotel so naturally he brings his wife and son along. This puts a whole new spin on "bring your child to work" day.

Part One: Prefatory Matters

This book is divided into not three, not four, but five parts. Which is strange because it's half the size of 'The Stand' with almost twice the needless divisions. We begin with an interview for the position of caretaker of the Overlook Hotel, a resort in Colorado that closes during the winter months and deservedly makes little money because of it. I know that the snow storms may be heavy in the mountainous area but since they renovated the place, couldn't they rent out the rooms to wilderness loving types? They could even slash the usual hotel price to draw in customers. As long as they pack the pantry with food and keep the snow from barricading the doors, they would make a profit and have no need for a caretaker who goes crazy and murders his family. I guess this plan would work better if the hotel wasn't possibly haunted. I know I'm not supposed to know that but it's pretty obvious.

The newest shareholder of the hotel insists that Mr. Jack Torrance get the position of caretaker so it looks like the interview is a formality. The hotel manager, however, doesn't like Jack very much on account of his alcoholic past and the student he smacked around when he was a teacher. I bet he'd really flip if he found out Jack smacked his own kid around once. Jack's wife and son live in crummy apartment in the bad part of Colorado. Which, let's face it, can't be that bad because, despite it's name, the only thing whiter than the snow, is the townspeople of Colorado. I guess meth and moose might be the major worries around those parts. All this misery has Jack's wife about ready to burst into tears. You'd think Jack broke her arm instead of her son's. But so far, Jack is written rather sympathetically. I'd usually be shaking fists and giving horrible nicknames to guys that abuse their kids but according to the words and flashbacks, it was a one time deal, very much on the accidental side, and Jack was really ashamed and regretful after realizing what he did to a three year old kid. Let's see how long this lasts. Start the timer!

A tour of the hotel concentrates greatly on the boiler room that needs to be monitored three times a day or it might build too much pressure and explode. Gee, I wonder if this will be important to remember later on. There's also talks about ghosts and all major hotels having their own ghosts and scandals. Wow, Trump's PR people... er, Hilton's PR people... let me get back to you on that. Little Danny Torrance, or "Doc", is most definitely a psychic of some kind. He goes into trances, talks to his little friend Tony and sees into people's minds. Today on the psychic agenda, horribly horrifying visions of horror. He sees a wrecked room, snowy windows, mallet wielding maniacs and tasty scarlet alcohol. Back in the real world, it looks like the wealthy owner of the Overlook Hotel was drinking buddies with ole' Jack. After they ran over a bicycle that may or may not have had a kid on it, the two men decide to quit drinking. This explains how Jack got the caretaker job. Well if that's what it takes to get work, I'll have to consider adding alcoholism to my resume.

Jack's wife, Wendy, doesn't have a good relationship with her mother. Maybe she can get Peter Pan to whisk her away to Neverland.  Her mother is a divorcee who blames her daughter for it, she criticizes the young woman's mothering skills, and she named her Winifred. Oof. I apologize for the Peter Pan jab. She married Jack fairly young and Jack's drinking didn't get serious until after he got his first short story published in a magazine. I guess writers and alcohol go together like writer protagonists and Stephen King novels. That's also the first time he hurts Danny, accidentally, by testing the whole "bouncing baby boy" expression. Looks like they don't bounce. Myth busted! Also, stop the timer. The sympathy train lasted two paragraphs. Good effort, King.

There could've been a divorce except Wendy didn't want to end up like her mother and she thought her husband might change and deep down she did still love the guy. It took a month but he did stop with the drinking. With that worry out of the way, she can concentrate some new worry on her quiet, polite son. She's known for a while that there's something different about Danny. She felt his distress whenever she thought about divorcing Jack. Even after a Jon Benet handshake, the kid still has admiration and love for his father and it seems the feeling is mutual, even if Jack looks less joyful father and more constipated and grim when he gets the warm fuzzies about his Danny boy (... wait. I used this nickname before. Damn it King, get yourself a baby book or at least wait a few years in between recycling names).

Anyway, Danny gets the heebie jeebies at night in his room at the same time his mother is thinking about things after having some non-drunk sex with her husband. (Must. Not. Picture. Shelley Duvall. And Jack Nicholson. In Bed.) This part ends with Danny reminiscing on his dream about the unknown voice with the mallet calling out for Danny to "come out here and take your medicine". Five year olds don't like medicine in the first place so I doubt shouting threats and swinging around a mallet would get a kid to come out with their mouth open. Danny thinks again about the one word which reads like two words without the space. Redrum. I bet this word won't be appearing all sinister at the hotel where the former caretaker murdered his family. Nope.

Part Two: Closing Day

That was a very short first part but you don't see me complaining. And here come the Torrances in their little Volkwagon bug trying to make it up the winding mountainside. Who wants to start us off with a round of 'They'll be comin' round the mountain when they come'? As soon as they reach the hotel, Danny gets the horrible feeling of familiarity and fear. His mom is groping his dad in the car. No wait, that's just my fear. Danny's fear is when he spots the hotel and realizes those visions from earlier took place there. I feel like he should be better prepared emotionally if he has visions of an impending doom in a hotel. Inside, they all meet the prissy hotel manager and while they're surprised at how crowded it is on the last day of hotel checkout, I'm surprised Wendy is a blonde. It's like everything in Kubrick's film is a lie. For example, the mom and dad are way more flirty in the book (cringe!) and the kid's imaginary friend was definitely not his finger with the voice of a sick Marge Simpson.

However, one of the more important differences so far seems to be that there's no maze garden in the book, which is very important in the movie. There's a nice animal topiary, a little playground, and a roque court, which is like a more old fashioned version of croquet. And croquet is an oversized version of golf with hoops instead of holes and mallets instead of clubs. You can guess why Danny is fixated on the mallet part of the game. The only thing so far that matches the movie, visually, is the cook being black. His name is Dick (Heh) Hallorann and after Jack introduces his wife 'Winnifred' (Blech) the southern cook asks if she goes by "Winnie" (the pooh?) or "Freddie" (with an ascot?). He approves of her eschewing both for "Wendy". I like name semantics and I like this cook. I dread getting to the page when King will kill him off.

They take a tour of the large kitchen and all that food in there is seriously making me hungry. After a long time of the Torrance family eating fake butter and government cheese in the Colorado ghettos, I'm sure they feel the same way. The cook makes some pretense about wanting Danny's help to carry his bags down to the car. Wendy sees her son get in and worries Cook Hallorann might totally steal her son away to Florida. I'd crack a "she so racist" joke but he did keep offering joking invites back in the kitchen tour and let's be honest, the kid would be better off with a skilled chef in the sunny Florida coast than inside a giant snow tomb with a nervous, jealous mother and a hot-tempered, secretive father. Danny and Hallorann talk about his ability. Precognition, visions, shining. It all means the same save for the levels of whimsy in the name. Danny is relieved to hear he's not alone with his powers but he is the shiniest person Cook Hallorann has ever seen. The cook reassures him not to worry about the horrible visions he got from the hotel because 1) visions don't always come true, and 2) they're just visions and can't hurt him. Like pictures in a book. Though paper cuts are very unpleasant. If there is any trouble, the cook wants Danny to send a telepathic message and he'll come running all the way from Florida. I guess you could say he's taken quite a shine to the kid.

Another tour of the actual hotel is conducted by the snotty hotel manager that every employee seems to hate. Despite the fancy decorations of the presidential suites, he doesn't want to spring for some damn elevator maintenance. Just reading about the Torrances and the manager getting into the elevator made me feel a bit claustrophobic. I can't imagine an old rattling trap like that could securely hold so much blood. And there I go thinking about the movie again. They don't venture into room 217 because Hallorann saw something bad in that room and told Danny never to go in there. The manager probably just doesn't let them check out that room because he likes rubbing their faces in the fancy digs they can't use. Jokes on the manager because even the plainest, shabbiest room in the hotel is still the Taj Mahal when compared to Jack and Wendy's crummy apartment. The manager leaves and the Torrances are finally left alone in a giant, fancy hotel. Bed sheet toga paaartaaay!

Part Three: The Wasps' Nest

Wow, the second part was even shorter than the first. I'm just breezing through this book. And reading it during a hurricane/storm (which I currently am) makes me really feel the ambiance and chilliness. The first trouble Jack encounters at the hotel is, interestingly enough, a wasps' nest which launches him into a lengthy metaphor about him sticking his hand in the Wasps' Nest of Life. SUBTLE. He takes the moment, on a rooftop near some wasps, to reminisce and go into detail about the hasty "accident" that got him fired from the fancy prep school. If I didn't already know lengthy flashbacks are a Stephen King trademark, I'd be worried Jack was going into some kind of wasp venom shock. Suffice to say, Jack cut some teenage boy from the debate team because the kid had a stutter and possibly because Jack was jealous of the kid's athletic handsomeness. The kid slashed his tires and Jack saw red (metaphorically before, and literally after. Because of all the blood, you see.) Yeah. So he'll be taking out any anger and self loathing on the wasps via poison. He'll make sure the wasps get a taste of their own medicine, just like that teenage boy. Hey, isn't that similar to what the menacing figure in Danny's dreams said? What a coincidence!

When Danny and his mom return from a shopping trip, Jack gives his son the empty wasps' nest as a present. I can't tell if this is a 70s thing or if the Torrance boys are just weird but Danny seems to like the nest very much. Later at night, Danny goes into a trance in the bathroom where he seems to get snips of the injured teenage boy and whoever it was that knew how to play roque at the Overlook Hotel. His father gets all handsy and his mother quickly takes the kid away to offer comfort. When Danny is safe in bed, he asks if his father would ever hurt him or his mother. The answer is an assured no. Danny asks his father if he knows the meaning of redrum but Jack mishears it as "red drum" and makes some crack about angry Indians. Well, I for one think this word has no double meaning at all. I mean, besides the fact that it's "red rum", and the father is an alcoholic, what other meaning can there be? None that I can see. No siree. I'll be keeping an eye out for any cranberry juice and Captain Morgan combinations.

The wasps make another reappearance when they sting Danny. I assume this is probably why collecting wasps nests fell out of style after the 70s. Jack was sure he killed those wasps, having disposed of their bug poisoned bodies himself. Maybe he only got half the colony and the other half flew off to hide. I'm not a bug expert so my knowledge of wasp behavior is based on my superstitions and hatred of them. All Jack is sure of is that he could really use a drink. A bottle of Jack for Jack and a Doc for Doc. At the doctor's office, Danny goes into a trance and even with all that information, the doctor concludes the kid just has an overactive imagination. He also thinks the kid is very bright and created his invisible friend "Tony" when his homelife was not so great, what with the drinking and abuse and the imitation butter. He thinks Danny will grow out of it and being forced to bond as a family at the isolated hotel will be good for him. This is one of those times you need to get a second opinion.

While exploring the hotel basement, Jack discovers a scrapbook with newspaper clippings of the hotel's history including being a clubhouse for the mafia and being host to a murder in the presidential suite. He's got an idea for a possible novel despite already being knee-deep working on a play. I'm sure the prissy manager would love for Jack to air out the hotel's dirty laundry and sully the reputation he worked so hard to build up again. Later on, Danny goes exploring around the hotel because that's what kid's his age do. He ends up in front of room 217 and he has the master key with him. I'm practically screaming 'Don't go in there!' and he doesn't. Because it's still too early in the book for that dark reveal. Danny thinks of a Bluebeard fairytale and runs away from an old fashioned extinguisher hose that may secretly be a snake filled with wasps. I'm not saying the hose is evil but I am saying "filled with wasps" is a possibility even in a non-paranormal hotel. Bugs are sneaky and known to hide in tight spaces, ready to strike when you're most vulnerable (Once again, this bug fact is brought to you by extremely biased, suspicious fear.) Doc knows what's up and makes like a wascally wabbit and hops on out of there.

The history of the Overlook continues to nag at Jack just like his wife did when he was drinking. Those are Jack's words, not mine. Jack's bitter, obscenity-filled words. Not even a few days in and he's losing it. No TV and no beer make Jack something something. As if his headache and angry behavior isn't enough proof of his slipping sanity, he calls the prissy manager, all the way in Florida, to tell him about the history scrapbook he found. So he wasted three dollars on a long distance call to rile up the Napoleon of hotel management. And he got no answers as to whether the hotel is still under mafia rule or anything shady like that. Later on, he gets a call from his rich buddy who guilt-threatens Jack into not writing a book about the shady history of the hotel he partly owns. Wendy senses there's something going on with Jack and his ever growing temper but isn't sure what to do about it. Even Danny is having trouble sleeping with all the bad vibrations he's getting from the hotel. My suggestions involve fire and lots of it.

The following morning, Wendy and Danny take a drive and she's all understanding and ready to believe whatever her son has to say. She asks if they're safe at the hotel and he's reluctant to confirm. She asks if he'd prefer to stay at her mother's but Danny likes her about as much as Wendy does so that idea is out. She brings up Tony, saying she believes but it seems Danny's little visitor isn't coming around anymore. That's not grrrreat. Back at the hotel, Jack relives his childhood by squeezing his fat ass down the playground slide. He thinks about his own father, an abusive drunk he still loved. Someone find a geometrist who can make deliveries because we have ourselves a parallelogram. Jack is about to head back inside when he suffers a bit of a freak out with the topiary animals seemingly moving. They follow Mario Boo rules, moving only when you're not looking at them. He gets back without getting mauled by floral fauna.

It starts snowing and everyone finds things to do indoors. Jack is pretty much obsessed with the boxes of old papers in the basement of the hotel, reading and wiping his mouth like a salivating dog. He's been doing the mouth wiping thing for a while now, and I don't know if it's supposed to be important to mention or if it's just another quirk that reinforces his craving for some hootch. Danny is doing his own investigating outside that damn room 217 again. I bet Doc wouldn't be doing stupid things like this if he had the other six dwarves to order around. Hey, if Stephen King can stick fairy tale references into this bizarre passage, so can I. Danny Doc goes inside room 217, everything looking nice and normal until he gets to the bathroom. Inside the tub is the foulest described dead body that a five year old boy will ever see. He tries to get away, repeating the mantra that it's "just like pictures in a book" but then the hands wrap around his throat. Woah. I think I may need to put down my book for a moment

Part Four: Snowbound

Knitting is Wendy's thing to do while it's storming outside. Knitting and sleeping. Okay. Let's see what Jack's up to. Looks like another flashback with Jack's abusive father and the times he beat his wife and kids. He and his family used to be paralyzed with fear when he got home drunk and I may be paralogizing here but when he imagines his son's face, with his broken arm, after remembering his mother's beaten face, even a paralexic would agree: there are some similarities. Some connections. Some equidistant linear elements, if you will. And while Wendy and Jack are sleeping or reminiscing, their son is getting choked by a naked zombie chick. Oh, and Jack destroys their only means of communication because he hears his dead father's voice in it urging him to kill. Way to go, you paralidiot.

Wendy and Jack finally spot their son, fresh bruises on his neck and a thumb in his mouth. No dirty joke, please. Wendy immediately accuses Jack, goes all Mama Bear and carries her son to their room, locking the door. Finally showing some common sense and selflessness, Wendy. Very good. Jack is so shocked, he goes to the empty bar and starts hallucinating again. He talks to imaginary bartender extraordinaire, Lloyd about the wonders of sobriety. They don't sound all that wonderful. And then he hears Wendy's voice. She tries to get him to help her take Danny to the hospital, planning on defending herself if he says no or does something crazy. But she doesn't need to because Danny finally snaps out of his catatonic state and screams like a howler monkey.

I didn't expect Danny to want his daddy, even after everything. But then, the man may have broken his arm but he did not strangle him. That was the work of the naked zombie and Danny tells them as much. In fact, he explains everything to them; visions, feelings, Tony, everything. And I'm a bit surprised. He sounds pretty calm and adult about everything except the fact that he was so scared he peed. Ah yes. Pee. The fear equalizer. His mom totally believes him though his dad is a bit less accepting. He decides to investigate room 217 and this time I'm yelling at him to shake a leg and venture into the room of bathtub corpse boobies. He's very slow and methodical about this. At first, there's nothing in the bathtub. Then he sees a mat, smells some soap and when he double checks the bathroom, he sees a shadow behind the curtain. He runs out of there like they're yelling last call at Lloyd's Liquor and such. When he gets back down, he tells his wife and son that he didn't find anything in room 217. You lying playwright hack! I hope you freeze in a maze that doesn't actually exist in this book!

At night, while some heavy boob fondling goes on (aaaaarghh! why?!), Wendy thinks of ways they can get their son to a doctor and she remembers they have a snowmobile in the hotel shed. She's not very bright sometimes. This news doesn't seem to please Jack as he considers the little money they have and his job prospects if he were to abandon the hotel position. He gets the urge to smack his wife until she's as dead as the bathtub beast but he stifles it for the sake of their son. He has a nightmare involving every bad thing he's been through, all muddied and metaphorical, just like Stephen King likes it. There's room 217, the student he hit in the tub, the wasps, the characters from his play, the basement, the cane his father used to beat his mother, the "take your medicine" line, and then a mallet. All that's missing is some bloody redrum.

Snowmobiles are not one of Jack's favorite methods of transportation. Why else would he sabotage his only means of escape? Sure, he gets into a mental debate culminating in his final belief that Danny has been telling the truth and the hotel is haunted or something. But surely this man is doing everyone a great service by taking out a polluting vehicle and reasoning he'll start drinking if he goes back to town. He also blames his son for everything because the house seems to be using Jack to get to Danny. Of course. Who can doubt such flawless logic? Hack. Danny decides to go play early in the morning while his parents sleep. That is not a good idea because the playground is near the topiary and those animal shaped bushes wanna play too. What follows is the slowest and most exciting chase on snow shoes you'll ever read. Every time Danny looks back, the lion shaped bushes get closer. He falls onto the porch just as he hears one pounce and he gets his leg scratched. How much damage can an oversized shrub really do?

When he tells his parents what happens, his father plays dumb and tries to convince him it was all a hallucination. Danny's powers of the shine allow him to find out his father saw the animals move too and is just in denial. His father's rebuttal is a slap to the face. Ladies and gentlemen, this is how a prep school debate coach wins an argument. Wendy takes that display of aggression fairly well considering she doesn't knock him on his ass. Later on at night, after everyone has calmed down, another little hotel quirk makes itself known. They hear the old fashioned elevator operating by itself and go to investigate. While Wendy and her son hear music and party revelry, Jack insists he doesn't hear anything and it's just some mechanical failure. I call B.S and so does Wendy. When the elevator stops, she shows him all the confetti and streamers in there from a costume party of yesteryear. I must say, it's certainly more festive than the movie's elevators filled with gallons of blood (unless you're at a high school prom).

Danny is once again left to wander without supervision as he ends up in the empty ballroom. He winds up in front of a decorative and ominous glass clock. The little clock ballet figurines come out and mechanically mime oral sex in front of the disgusted kid. Nice. Then Danny gets ready for the mind trip of a lifetime. He sees the red-eyed monster running after him with the mallet, his room trashed, and his cook friend, ole Tricky Dick Hallorann. Even though Tony can't help, Hallorann still can. Danny remembers what he said about mentally calling for him if he needs help. Danny gets one last vision of the bathroom in room 217 and he finally sees redrum in the mirror's reflection. Redrum spelled backwards is murder! Oh. My. God. This. Changes. Everything. Except. For. Not. Danny sends out a shining SOS. Hope the cook wasn't in the middle of some hot "clock business" himself.

Part Five: Matters of Life and Death

Okay, so instead of Dick having fun doing "clock business", he's actually working at another resort. I should be surprised about most of these people having two jobs but in these times, who am I to judge? I guess the late 70s weren't all flared pants and discotheques. Hallorann's orange senses start tingling (did I mention he smells oranges before he gets his own shine premonitions? If not, it's probably because it's a useless and kinda dumb detail.) He actually made himself a will before getting the mental message. Stephen King, your foreshadowing is unappreciated here. He makes an excuse about a dying son to get three days off winter work. He reminisces a bit about his own encounter with the dead body in room 217 and he rushes to try and make a flight to Colorado. He gets pulled over by a cop and misses it. You've got to be kidding me.

At Wendy's questioning, Danny tells her that the hotel is controlling his father and making him act all crazy, including sabotaging the snowmobile. He tells her about his attempts to communicate with Hallorann though he's not sure if it got through. She tries to be calm but is understandably freaked out. Smartest thing she does is take a knife from the kitchen and take Danny into their room to try and sleep while Jack is doing who knows what in the basement. Actually I do knows what. He's looking through the hotel's boxes of papers and reminiscing about his abusive dad for the four hundredth time. He notices the boiler and how close it is to critical explody capacity. Ah yes. You thought that wouldn't be important to know, didn't you. But it is. He starts to think about what would happen if he just let the boiler explode. His troubles would be blown away and, heck, he's got life insurance money. A part of me is rethinking my 'kill it with fire' suggestion. But a bigger part of me likey big booms. After coming to his senses, Jack vents the boiler thinking that since he saved the hotel from a fiery explosion, the hotel ghosts would reward him with alcohol. Okay, maybe his senses are about as good as a deaf mute (Prior King Novel Reference Alert: I miss you Nick. Thumbs up, fist pumps, self high five! Hope the good guys stay alive!)

Danny Doc has sensed all of this, of course, so he gets up to go look for his daddy. But there's someone blocking his way. A greasy, drunken, pedophile in a dog costume. Danny needs an adult; somebody call Chris Hansen! Danny runs back to his room, more sure that the supposed pictures in his head are real and dangerous. He sends another message to Hallorann who has finally gotten a morning flight. He's better than Chris Hansen. And lest you think Hallorann is lacking in his horror book/movie logic, he did try to call the Colorado authorities to check on the family up in the hotel but apparently every single park ranger and helicopter is helping some idiots caught in an avalanche and there's another snow storm brewing on the horizon. Of course there is. Let's add a lightning tornado and a plague of jackalopes while we're at it.

There's a different sort of storm brewing in the hotel ballroom. Every hotel guest and employee of the past few decades are in ghostly attendance, like that 'Once Upon A December' scene in Anastasia except not as whimsical and with only slightly more booze and perversion. The ghostly guests urge Jack to drink some alcohol and after much inner struggling, he downs the drink and it's all downhill from there. He dances with a woman and we find out, among other things, the dog costumed pervert is just some gay man with a crush on the former rich owner of the hotel, doing tricks and amusing the other ghostly rich socialites just so he can get a shot at the hotel magnate. Ugh. I think I preferred it when he was a weird possible pedo instead of this pathetic, love-sick fool. I'm only conferring this information, which is about as useful to the plot as orange smells, because it kind of explains the creepy dog-masked guy in the movie. I know, I know but the movie will always be in the back of my mind. Just like Danny will always be in the back of Jack's mind. It's Jack's turn to look at the glass clock but instead of saucy ballerina figures, there's a guy with a mallet bashing the figure of a small boy. The former caretaker, who killed his family, advises Jack to take care of his son and wife and after much agitation, Jack agrees to do so. I hope they have a nice family meeting about all this.

After nearly going down with his fellow plane passengers due to snowstorm turbulence, Hallorann rents a car and heads for the hotel only to find a road block. It's like mother nature is conspiring against him. Or she loves tension of the "just in the nick of time" variety. Speaking of, Wendy is ready to leave her room to get some food for her and her son and the tension is as thick as the canned soup she's heating. She calls out her husband's name every once in a while but gets no response. It's not until she makes it to the ballroom that she sees him passed out on the floor like a drunkie at the end of Octoberfest. She smells the liquor but she knows for a fact there was none when they first got to the hotel. Jack wakes up and boy does he have a killer hangover. Jack starts screaming and choking Wendy who just manages to knock him out with a wine bottle to the head after Danny comes running in to tackle his father. They both drag Jack to the pantry, where they'll lock him in with food (but no toilet) and hope that they'll last until someone comes to check up on them.

There's much cursing and banging and generally cuckoo thoughts as Jack tries to get out of the pantry. It's bolted from the outside and he has no hope of getting out unless the ghost of the former caretaker lets him out. Oh crap. And here we go. Jack is out. He's ready to kill his wife and hand over his special, powerful kid to the hotel. And look, there's a roque mallet on the kitchen table. If you haven't figured out that Jack is the insane killer with the mallet from Danny's vision, please leave. You're either too young (lacking critical thinking skills) to be on the internet or you've stumbled onto this blog while looking for cat pictures from your nursing home. Or you may be a cat yourself. In any case, Jack's gone full monster killer but Hallorann keeps on coming, even after nearly getting run off the mountain road and even after getting a very racist mental message from the ghosts of the hotel. Not since the vampire house at Jerusalem have I encountered a more evil, jerk of a building.

With all the common sense of a scared witless mother, Wendy goes downstairs to make sure Jack is still locked in the pantry. Sure she's armed with a knife but come on. This lady would cry at the trick-or-treaters with sheets over their heads. The previously-mentioned Jerusalem vampire book had a braver heroine than Wendy die because of her rookie horror movie mistakes. Suspense abounds and then heeeere's Johnny! Wiiiith a mallet! She tries to dodge his blows but gets some broken ribs and a busted knee. For God's sake Wendy, you have a knife! And now the knife is embedded in her husband's back. But like possessed wasps, apocalypse roaches, or unsympathetic female characters in a King novel, he refuses to die. Looks like Wendy's gonna meet Casper. But wait! Here comes Hallorann to save the day! On a snowmobile to join the fray. Only he can pull them from the edge. As long as he avoids that lion hedge. Aaaand he's topiary chow.

You know that saying 'step on a crack, break your mother's back?' Well a mallet can do that just as easily. Jack keeps yelling for her to "take her medicine" and maybe he's so drunk he's confusing a heavy wooden sports mallet with a reflex hammer. Silly Jack, doctors don't use mallets and they certainly don't spout misogynistic death threats. Unless you're in a Detroit free clinic. Wendy manages to crawl to her room, the knife in Jack's back having slowed him down a bit too, and she's ready to protect her son... but he's not there. Damn it, Doc! Maybe he went to do a house call. Using his mallet o'murder (or should I say, redrum'o tellam), Jack smashes through their room door and when she hides in the bathroom he starts smashing through that door as well. The only thing that saves her are the razor blades in the medicine cabinet that she uses to slash at his hand anytime he tries to reach in to unlock the door. Let this be a lesson, always keep a flamethrower in the bathroom. Because you may not be as lucky as Wendy to have some stranger come driving in on a snowmobile to distract your assailant. After Jack runs off to deal with this new intruder, Wendy emerges from the bathroom and faints. I may have to take back some of the non-scaredy cat praise I offered earlier.

Holy pyromania, Hallorann! That old cook avoided certain death by soaking the hedge lion and setting it on fire! Finally, being a smoking character in a Stephen King book pays off. He gets in the snowmobile and outruns the rest of the hedge animals before rushing into the hotel and calling for Danny. With much fear, he follows the trail of blood Wendy and Jack left to their little room. Dick Hallorann survived a near-plane crash, a near car-crash, and a giant lion made of leaves and branches, only to get taken down by a dying drunk with a hammer sneaking up behind him like a coward. I will relish your demise, Jack Torrance. Meanwhile, Danny is finding out that his invisible friend was just him this whole time. No really. It seems like Tony is a version of him from the future and with his powers, it's very possible. Danny knows his father is after him, under the control of the evil hotel, and his mom and Hallorann could be dying. Doc, Doc, Goose! He's out of the trance and out of time as he's running to the attic. Which is locked. For the love of-!

The only thing that can save him is a tag team kamikaze attack from an injured woman and a sixty year old man. Or one of those sappy moments where the power of Danny's love shakes his father out of his mania. Guess which one of these scenarios happens? In any case, we're almost at the end and there's one last thing that needs to be taken care of. The boiler. She can't take anymore; she's about to blooooow! After smashing his face into hamburger meat, possessed Jack rushes down to try and vent the boiler. So not only is the hotel racist and semi-homophobic, it's forgetful too. The possessed Jack gets down and sees everything hissing and smoking just as Wendy, Danny, and Hallorann run outside to escape the explosion. And what an explosion it is! Even the evil hotel feels the fires and screams in pain but, you know, not literally because it's still just a stupid building. Before they can get away, the hotel tries one last time to possess the weakest link, Hallorann, to get him to kill the Torrances. But since it's a racist building, it gets no where fast and he gets them away in the snowmobile. Woo! It's an early Christmas miracle.

Epilogue time. It's months since that terrible winter in an evil hotel and Cook Hallorann is back to his cooking ways in a little lodge in, you guessed it, Maine. Wendy is recovering in a backbrace and Danny is fishing by the pond when Hallorann stops by to visit them. He talks to Danny about grieving for his father and how unfair the world is but he has to keep going on. And in the end, Danny has Wendy and Hallorann who love him. My cold heart is melting over here. Danny hopes they'll always be friends and Hallorann assures him they will be, as they're joined by Wendy at the sunny pond. D'awwww. After anticipating most things due to my movie experience, I can say with much happiness and genuine surprise that Dick Hallorann made it! In the movie he died but in the book he survived! This makes reading the book all worth it and goes to show that horror movies always kill off the black guy. If I didn't know better, I'd think Director Kubrick is as racist as a Colorado hotel. (I'll just add that to my growing lexicon of Stephen King inspired phrases.)

In some ways I can understand why Stephen King was so angry at Stanley Kubrick's version of 'The Shining'. The minor changes would be enough to piss any writer off but the true insult is in the complete overhaul of the major characters, especially Jack. The semi-sympathetic alcoholic who had his own abusive past and ultimately tried to save his son when it came down to the wire was replaced in the movie by some crazy guy who looks very predator-like even when he shares nice moments with his son. And Wendy Torrance in the movie got all of Book Wendy's crying terror and none of her mama-bear determination, from what I can recall. Little Doc might as well have been replaced by a a cardboard cut out of Bugs Bunny for all the mature insight and fatherly devotion he supplied in the movie. Oh and lest we forget, Kubrick killed off the cook in the movie. Why? For shock value? For a heightened sense of hopelessness? The movie ending gave us plenty of that without the benefit of the book's epilogue that shows the family healing.

I don't want to get into a whole movie vs. book analysis (though that might not be a bad idea for a future post) but I really did love this book. I'm so glad I left it for the end of this month. I might re-watch the Kubrick movie tomorrow, just to compare (I must admit the movie is a bit fuzzy for me in some places) but ultimately, despite their differences, both book version, and the movie version, are the most enjoyable Stephen King works I've experienced yet.

I hope you all have a Happy Halloween tomorrow! Shine on you crazy, diamond.

The Stand (continued)

A book so long, I had to take a stand and split up the posts. Geddit? Anyone? Bueller? See, this is why I don't have anyone reading this stupid blog. And yet I continue. Like the struggle of good vs. evil in the form of an old black lady and a cowboy boot wearing, cold guy. The first half of this review/summary/analysis thing can be found here.

Part Two: On the Border

We last left off with the teenage angst of a boy suffering from unrequited love. Angst that evolved into hate. Even in a post-apocalyptic world, nerds can't catch a break. You know, unless they're cute or have a more useful talent than writing (I'm so screwed when an apocalypse comes!) It's too bad Harold's so far gone. The fat nerd I semi-sympathized has been replaced by a thinner, colder version. When Singer Larry and Non-Wild Boy Leo go visit him, the poor kid refuses to go inside Harold's house. Larry has become a sort of surrogate dad to him (who knew!) so the kid waits for Larry until he comes back out. It seems no amount of praise, compliments, and sweet Payday chocolate bars can bring Harold back to his former self.

Stu visits Larry to ask him to be on the committee, since Some Guy I Don't Know declined on account of him being busy as the only doctor in the Free Zone (technically a vet but as I've said before, beggars can't be choosers). Stu wants to know his opinion on Harold because Texans are apparently threatened by fake smiles. Larry gives him a summary of his meeting and he ultimately agrees to join their committee. That drug binging singer has really grown up in the two and a half months since he first moved back with his mommy to escape a debt collector. Meanwhile, Fran looked through her diary, having connected 'Mein Kampf' to the idea that Harold read her private thoughts. Ri-ight. And she finds the damning chocolate thumbprint near the end, concluding that he read all the petty insults she wrote about his personal hygiene or his fatty fat fatness. This just reinforces her immaturity. She's a twenty one year old girl who gossips about nerds and gets the giggles when she's nervous. And she's pregnant and serving on a committee overseeing the new free world. Why does Mr. King do this to me? I don't want to hate his young, female characters. It just happens. Not enough to start a rage journal but after a few more books, who knows.

Even a post-apocalyptic novel is not free from a committee excerpt. The Secretive Seven decree they need to inform people about what's safe to eat, bury any remaining bodies, and oh yeah, deal with the ever present evil of the Dark Man. They want to send spies into Las Vegas but they acknowledge their spies may not return. Someone else who may not return? Mother Abagail. Because she has officially left the building. The problem with being super religious is that the God you're serving is pretty harsh sometimes. Just ask Job. Or the Jews. Anyway, she thinks she's been too prideful so she leaves on a spiritual journey. The proof of her supposed pride is her apparent whiny tone when she asked for God's help against killer weasels. And maybe letting people love her like some kind of saint. Geez, if that was her being prideful, most people I know are walking bags of Hitler/Mussolini spawn. Or Hitlerini. Hmm. Sounds like the most prejudiced pasta ever. So, Stu is freaked out but Nick takes the loss of their Mother in stride. People in the Free Zone think she'll come back from her spiritual journey so at least there's no mass panic. Yet.

After a brief sidetracking adventure where Fran sneaks around in Harold's house and pretty much gets nowhere, Stu, Truck Driver Ralph, and Cold, Creepy Harold set out with walkie talkies to look for Mother Abagail. This misadventure also gets nowhere. Harold subtly has a hidden gun on him and he almost shoots Stu but then Stu shows him a bit of kindness and respect and it confuses Harold. There may be hope for him just yet. But then I think I said something similar about him and Fran getting together so it's probably best to take my word with a grain of salt. After another search party comes up empty handed, the professor and some others meet up to talk about the fallacies of the human race and the existence of magic. Hey, you've got your philosophy in my socialism. Afterward, Stu and Fran have some more sex. They seriously go at it like bunnies. He's lucky she's already pregnant. And I guess if they can survive a Superflu, any STD is a cakewalk.

There's so many people in the Free Zone that I don't particularly care for, that it's a real surprise when a newcomer arrives that I do care for. Specifically, the professor's dog, Kojak. Woooo! He pulled a Homeward Bound and tracked them all the way to Colorado! Stu and the professor seem just as happy to see that dog as I am (poor skinny, injured little thing). We actually get a flashback of Kojak's heroic showdown against a pack of wolves in Nebraska. The little dog put up a brave fight, wounding and sending those cowardly wolves running. He hid for a bit at Mother Abagail's house before tracking the scent, not of his master, but of that Dark Man. Kojak feels safe in Boulder and doesn't sense the Dark Man. Also, Spoiler Alert! Kojak lives a long, full life! And that is just about the best thing I've read so far. Thank you for the spoilers, Stephen King. Kojak's master, the professor, does not enjoy such a long life. Meh. Still feel happy.

The committee still has to have its meeting and they decide that with Mother Abagail gone, they need to make sure their elected positions are permanent. They also postpone picking spies to send to the evil town until the next meeting. Wow, they sound bureaucratic already. The third item of business is making an official search party for the Mother, in case she's injured. Stu thinks they should put Harold in charge since it was Harold's idea and most of the committee go along with it, only Nick "voicing" his distrust of the boy. Hmm... if the perceptible deaf mute doesn't like the conflicted nerd, I may have to side with deaf mute on this. Hope he gets proved wrong and Harold ends up on the side of good but the odds are not in his favor. You know what's interesting? A town hall meeting and the parliamentary process. No wait, what's the opposite of interesting? I meant that. The town hall meeting is nice to hammer home the point that America is gone and this new society will rise from the ashes. What's past is past and all that. Moving on!

After the meeting, everyone goes home but Singer Larry has a special visitor waiting for him. It's that school teacher and she's got her seduction dress on. It's the last temptation of Larry and you can bet he's tempted but he ultimately resists. She tries to tell him she'll be safe if they have sex. She'll finally be able to stay but I must point out, once again, if all she needs to do is have sex to finally be safe and free, I'm sure any of the men in the five hundred plus settlement would be willing to help out! Does it seriously have to be Larry? For God's sake, woman, go jump the retarded fellow. Or maybe Harold. Oh! Now there's an idea! They're both cold, frustrated virgins who are under the control of the Dark Man. Sex will set them free! Oh snap, it looks like she might just take up my idea. But not before the school teacher gets into contact with the Dark Man using... a gay box? King's description is odd but he describes it as a party game with a three sided "planchette" that moves under her hands so I'm thinking maybe a Ouija board. A gay Ouija board that was made in Taiwan. I bet the devil would love that.

The committee who should be committed decide to send three spies to the Flagg compound: a Judge, Tom the Mental Guy, and Another Lady. They also waffle on jailing people who try to leave, on the one hand, people who leave might be going to the evil society and spilling their secrets to the Dark Man. On the other hand, they'd look like a police state of prejudice pasta. The professor brings the voice of science and reason as he thinks they should get a police department going and follow the constitution they drafted. Even Nick can't save this boring dreck, so let's check in on the burial committee and Harold. Or should I say "Hawk". A nerd no more, this guy has lost weight and pimples, has proven himself a trusted asset of the town, and is helping bury the bodies with other tough men, all for some master plan where he earns everyone's trust and... I guess strikes when they least suspect? But his heart seems to grow a size or two that day when he gets the nickname "Hawk" and a clap on the back for a job well done.

All this good will continues as the school teacher finally visits Harold. Awww yeah. This is turning into a straight up erotic novel. Aaand... she's still planning to remain a virgin. But she's willing to do any other sexual thing with Harold and his little Hawk because she's saving herself for the Dark Man. Still?! I thought this was it! The way they could save themselves; by her not "saving herself". What's the point? Damn it, Nadine! Let's move on to operation Suicidal Spies. They talk to an old judge who takes the news pretty well and agrees to go to Las Vegas to get information for their side, even though it means he might die. Next up, they hypnotize Mental Tom who, it turns out, is a lot like Rain Man when he's under. The guy is cognizant and he even tells Nick and his crew that Mother Abigail is still alive. Lucky their retarded fellow was the brilliant, precognitive Hollywood type and not simply the more common emotionally/mentally stunted type. There's a third volunteer spy but they don't even mention her until a few pages later and the only two things of note were: 1) She's bisexual, 2) the person who accompanied her as she left found a puppy on the way back. A female puppy, and thus a future mate for Kojak! Immune dogs will survive and thus the Free Zone (and I) rejoiced.

The Free Zone finally gets themselves a real doctor who has worked on humans and everything. They also get the troubling news that two babies were born and immediately died afterward. They don't know if the Superflu did it but it gives Fran a 50/50 chance on whether her baby will survive or not since she's immune but her college beau was most likely not. Later on, she has her first visit with the new doctor and the baby in her belly seems to be fine. Just as she's getting some good news, it looks like bad news is brewing for the committee members. Harold has gotten his hands on some dynamite. I feel like this wouldn't have happened if that damn school teacher just gave it up to him. I know what it sounds like, and I would never advocate such a thing but King tends to make me wish things I'd never wish before. It's a little too late now, though. Harold can sense she's touched by the Dark Man and he's conflicted about his kinky evenings with her. At the same time, the school teacher is nervous about Harold's plans and his callous attitude toward her when they aren't in bed. Let this be a lesson to the guys reading: if a girl claims she's saving herself for marriage and she wants to do anything but traditional, "procreation" sex, then she's in a pact with the devil and you're doomed. I hope this has dissuaded any perverts from wanting to stick in "just the tip". Just the tip, my ass. (Heh). Just the tip into Randall's House of Damnation and Poker!

The list of precognitive people is growing almost as much as the list of main characters. Non-Wild Boy Leo is apparently disturbed that his adopted mother/school teacher is shacking up with Harold. The kid goes into a trance and tells his father figure, Singer Larry, that the two are influenced by the Dark Man and he should talk to Fran about what caused it. Larry does, and she reveals her stupid diary secret, before they deduce that Harold might have his own secret journal. So naturally Encyclopedia Clown and Sally Dimbulb break into Harold's house and find his journal. At the same time, Nadine, the school teacher, walks into Nick's empty house and hides Harold's homemade bomb. She gets a vision or something from the Dark Man, turning her hair white, and informing her that Harold's journal was found. The two technical virgins plan to hide out and leave town the next day. I worry for Nick and his committee. Mostly for Nick.

The committee gets together and does their committee thing while Harold is off in the distance with his walkie talkies and a school teacher with an overly full bladder. There's much blah blah blah'ing but the tension keeps growing as Harold keeps waiting for "the right moment". It's just like evil idiots to not do things quick and easy. Always have to take their sweet time. Anyway, Fran gets some kind of horrible feeling that something's going to happen and she yells at everyone to get out of the house. So she's precognitive too? Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones. The frenzy really starts when a bunch of motorcycles come roaring towards the house just as Fran is rushing out. Looks like the special "find Mother Abagail" committee did their job. Nick gets his own premonition and instead of getting out, like everyone else, he goes to the closet and looks for the bomb he can sense is in there. For God's sake Nick, get the hell out! The bomb goes off and Harold and his increasingly guilty, virgin school teacher ride off towards the city of sin. I'm filled with dread. I usually like hellish, Carrie-style explosions and thrilling action. I've grown soft with my fondness and worry for some of the characters. Damn it.

Seven people died in the explosion. About twenty injured, including the preggo and the gas guy. Nick was closest to the blast. He died. The deaf mute, who's always been patient, and kind, and sharp, and critical, and... SON OF A BITCH! Preggo Fran is crying over his death and I half feel like joining her. King could've chosen anyone else to sacrifice but Nick had to be one of them! What do you have against the handicapped, Mr. King!? I call literary hate crime on Stephen King! And that bastard, son of a whore, evil, fattie fat fat Harold! Even the news of dear, old Mother Abagail's return brings no comfort because she's dying too. Trekking around in the desert with nothing but your Sunday dress tends to do that to a person, I suppose.

Town Hall meeting. Power finally returns to the city. The second book is nearing a close and trying to talk about anything except for my poor, deaf mute, Nick, seems impossible. I'll just leave you with Mother Abagail's dying words. She wants the remaining four men, Gas Guy Stu, Singer Larry, Professor Glen, and Truck Driver Ralph to go face off against Randall "Dark Man" Flagg. Nick was supposed to be the leader (naturally!) but now it's all on Stu. Preggo Fran backtalks her Mother but she heals the hysterical preggo to show the power of God. Mother Abagail doesn't know if the committee's men will prevail and I don't necessarily care if they do. Not if Nicky isn't there. After many a tearful goodbye, the four men (and Kojak!) set off with nothing but the clothes on their backs and the dim hope God isn't playing a cruel joke on them all. Well if he's anything like Mr. Stephen "Yank My Heart Out" King...

Part Three: The Stand

Thank goodness, we're at the last part, named for the book. And it's the one time that the last part isn't just a few pages of fake news excerpts. Actually, the vampire book might have also had a sizable third part but this is the first book that has each part split up into roughly the same number of pages. The symmetry admirer in me has to approve even if my weary mind and heavy heart wants to stick my tongue out and blow raspberries. Everyone's favorite evil overlord has figured out that the Free Zone sent spies his way so his little army of the burly and the bored are given orders to kill them on sight. They're also given names but King can kindly take those names and shove them where the sun don't shine.

The first Free Zone spy that gets spotted is the first one that got sent out. The elderly Judge has been driving a good long way and knows he's headed in the right direction when he sees a Dark Man dissenter hanging from a rope. A regular dope on a rope. At a hotel, the Judge sees a crow who seems to be the Dark Man. He gets his trusty shotgun and fires at the frightened crow with the glowing red eyes... and the safety's off. For crying out loud! I hope the judge looks forward to "hanging out" with the Randallnator. No, wait. He won't get a chance because one of the Dark Man's henchmen blasts the Judge's face off. And while it sucks for the Judge, he can feel some post-mortem satisfaction that his killer will face the Dark Man's wrath. Because the Dark Man likes his dead playthings to look pretty, especially the face part. You've gotta think of the collector's value.

The second spy in the set of three has better luck and has actually infiltrated the Vegas base by sleeping with that former rapist/murderer/rat connoisseur. It just goes to show that even in an apocalypse, Las Vegas welcomes bisexual women more openly than elderly Judges. Sexing up the FlaggFather's right hand man got her a ton of information on their jet training program (headed by the felon), their weapons gathering program (headed by the Trashcan Man), and the creep everyone out program (headed by the man of many names). The bisexual chick has heard much about the man, the myth, the mothertrucker. (Well, he certainly dresses like a trucker). He can control animals, he can shapeshift, he can drive people insane with one look, he can play a mean gold fiddle. He can also hypnotize a woman into thinking he's a nice man. She gets dragged to the Dark Man's office and nearly falls for his nice guy routine but just manages to look away. The force is strong with this chick. He reveals he knows much about their little settlement and their plans, except for who the third spy is. She tries an assassination attempt but it fails due to a banana mix-up. Ri-ight. She commits hara-kiri via glass window to the head and neck. Darth Randall orders her body to be burned while he meditates and floats higher than a demon should. That is to say at all, because in all the mythology I've read and seen, I don't recall gentle floating as one of Lucifer's powers. Still. I always knew yoga was evil.

With two of the three collectables ruined, it's up to the third spy, a retarded man under hypnosis, to carry out the reconnaissance mission. If this were any kind of normal circumstances, the good guys would be ten types of screwed. But in a world where the antichrist and white magic prevail in some weird horror fantasy mishmash, this mental guy, a guy who spells everything with an M-O-O-N, might just be a hero. He's the Free Zone's Neville Longbottom. And now, one last look at someone who could've been a hero himself. Or so he wishes. On his way to Vegas, Harold slipped off his motorcycle and shattered his leg. His white-haired school teacher partner chose to abandon him but not before he tried to get two bullets into her. He failed of course. Story of his life. And now that he's dying with a gangrenous leg, he's penning his last letter of confession and regret in a journal. How many of those does he have? You know what, I don't care. The day Harold killed Nick was the day he killed any remaining sympathy I had for him. He puts a gun to his mouth and nothing of value was lost. Anyone for fried Hawk? Just avoid the rotten drumstick.

Since we got the backstory of just about every main character, it's only fair we get to see the origins of Lord Randallmort. Or not, since he can't seem to remember anything past the day of the Superflu plague. The dude is cracking up. He's doubting his powers because the bisexual spy defied him, the third spy still isn't found, and his virgin bride was almost killed. He doesn't even know that Mother Abagail sent four men after him. Sure, it's like sending four rabbits to slay a lion but rabbits can be mean little jerks. They can bite and kick. Anyway, he can look forward to sexy times with his stupid, virgin bride. A woman who's had so many chances to turn back or resist but keeps going even though she's practically sick with fear. Randall Flagg and his cowboy boots meet her in the desert and what follows reads like some deranged erotic rape fanfiction. I had a joke that went something like, "Ride 'em, cowgirl" because of the boots but it's just so weird. He pulls down his pants and she screams. I know that reads funny (talk about a "trouser snake"! Haha) but it's like 'The Fountainhead', 'A Streetcar Named Desire', and a whole bunch of Twilight fanfiction notched up to 11. One the one hand, it's funny if I think of it as 50 Shades of Desert Bodice Ripper but then a part of me finds it kind of icky and surreal too. The end result is that the Dark Man screws her into a catatonic state and she's pregnant with a demon spawn. He has a bit of a scare when he senses someone is coming for him but can't discern who. Why fear when you can just show them your wang of doom? I feel dirty.

Bad news for Sin City. A pilot made fun of the Trashcan Man and got himself incinerated because of it. You don't want to mess with a weird, unstable pyro like that. Even Sir Mighty Penis doesn't mess with the Trashcan Man. Also, that nympho bitch that threw herself at Nick so many chapters ago has made it to Vegas. Of course she's on the side of evil. The only reason I mention this little pissant is because she recognized Tom. Calling him a retard and calling Nick a dummy. Ugh. She tells Flaggface's right hand man about it and he jots down the info but dismisses her. Luckily, the bimbo waited until a night of the full moon. That being the signal for Tom to return to the Free Zone. He'll be halfway back by the time they figure out he's gone. Using a mystical power, known as "the Eye", which I believe is a black rock with a red mark on it, (that looks like an eye) the Dark Man is able to look beyond and see what his enemies are doing. It's like the Eye of Sauron except pocket-sized and kinda lame because it can't even see Tom, sleeping under some rocks and bushes. No infrared? No heat sensing technology? You need to upgrade, Flaggy Bear. When his right hand man finally decides to question Tom, he discovers Tom's connection to my beloved deaf mute Nick, and all hell breaks loose.

Tom continues on his never ending journey and even gets visited by Nick's spirit. Spirit Nicky! Give me a   hug, you magnificent deaf mute bastard! Even Nick is spouting the gospel of God and Tom follows stars and rocks east, dreaming of Pringles and his totally alive, not exploded friend, Nick. Oh, my heart. Tom still hasn't been found, at least not by air, because all the Vegas pilots got blown up by another of Trashcan Man's homemade explosives. Since that pyro lives in the desert like some deranged meerkat, none of the Dark Man's dank men can find him. Even the rat-eater sees that his boss is slipping, and if the loyal felon is expressing doubts, you can imagine how his not-so-loyal subjects might be feeling. The antichrist's bride starts to taunt him, telling him about the four men coming to destroy him. He refuses to believe that. He throws a tantrum and tries to meditate but his elevating skills have sunk down to Criss Angel levels. In a fit of rage, he throws his taunting school teacher bride out the window and realizes he's throwing out the baby with the white-haired, semi-catatonic bathwater. Randall Flagg, you done goofed. Hah.

Trashcan Man is in the desert, half out of his gourd and looking for something to atone for his killings. He finds one of those military bases in the middle of the desert that seem like a good idea before an apocalypse comes sniffling in. The Trashcan Man has found the ultimate weapon so Daddy Flagg can love him again. An atomic warhead. Now we're cooking with gas. People in the Vegas settlement are growing ansty and quietly leaving, a few at a time. One of the Vegas ladies, and a friend of Flagg's right hand man, reveals she's abandoning ship, so to speak, and she invites him to come with her and a few others to Brazil. Even with his doubts he wants to stay but he won't rat her out to his boss. His loyalty moves me enough to reveal his name, with just a few chapters to go. My dear readers, the former pot-smoking, jail bragging, rat-eating, rapist/murderer is named Lloyd and he is going to stick by his Dark Man. Oh em gee, maybe he has a chance with Randy Pandy now that his pregnant wife has taken a nose dive! Just watch out for Trashy, because that crazy ho is also obsessed with your man. Mm hmm! *Z-snap!*

Using the Eye of Fauxron, the Dark Man finally sees something; the four men and doggy who will bring about his demise. Hopefully. The Free Zone Walking Tour is trudging along slowly but surely. Over on your left, you'll see the corpse of a scrawny, guilt-ridden nerd. Over on your right you'll see a man surrounded by dead wolves. Up ahead is another dark tunnel so get your Hail Marys ready because you're, once again, too dumb to loot a flashlight from whatever town you looted your lunch. The professor leads off a riveting discussion about spirit quests and how purging the body and mind will make them stronger and sharper, like the Native Americans and the biblical prophets of many moons ago. So yoga is a tool of evil but fasting is tool of good. Got it. The group have to cross some kind of gully and it's pretty tense on the way down for all of them (Except for Kojak. That dog can do anything). They all manage to get up except for Stu who falls down and breaks his leg like Harold so long ago. Once again, I want to say it's ironic since Harold was his nemesis and all but I fear internet correctors. Their leader, Stu, is down for the count and Singer Larry, as second in command, is freaked out about taking the reigns because who needs all that pressure, right? Also he doesn't want to leave a friend to die in a deep ditch. But after much arguing and tears, they follow Mother Abagail's orders and head west. Larry sings a hopeful tune of "we're coming back for you!" but Stephen King spoils that little nugget of hope by ending his chapter with the fact that they're not going to see Stu Redman ever again. And then there were three.

That's right three. because Kojak the wonderdog stayed behind with Stu to keep him fed with rabbit kills and to protect him against the cold and maybe some demon wolves. You are one lucky son of a gun, Stu. The other three, not so much. The professor, Truckless Ralph, and Larry the New Leader finally come across the Dark Man's Vegas goons. And the goons aren't nearly as intimidating as they might have been a week or two ago. Low morale has captured the Flaggmen even as they capture the three Free Zone men. In the confines of his Vegas jail cell, it's the professor who first comes face to face with Ol Dirty Flaggstard himself. The professor is so surprised at the mere mortal look that he just laughs and laughs. Faithful rat-eater, Lloyd, shoots the professor on the orders of his freaked out boss. Lloyd does some freaking out of his own before being mollified and ordered to build something special for their guests. And then there were two.

The next morning, Singer Larry and Truckless Ralph get handcuffed and put inside the newly-constructed cages, right in front of the MGM hotel in Vegas. All they need is a white tiger and they'll have a true Vegas show for the whole town that gathered to watch. Uh oh. Here comes the evil(er) David Copperfield himself, with his lackey, pale-faced Lloyd. Somebody get the Dark Man a switch 'cuz he's about to get his discipline on. One person dares to cry foul against him but he gets a Hadouken to the face. Everyone is understandably silent when the Dark Man asks if there's anymore objections. That is until the one, the only, the Trashcan Man appears! He looks more like trash than man, because of the radiation and all, but he's so pleased he's got himself a fatman. Or is it a little boy? Those are my subtle, historical hints that he's got an a-bomb that will blow Nevada off the map. Everyone else scatters in terror like mice who've spotted the cat. Who has explosives in it's mouth. Even the Wicked Switch of the West feels a cold stab of fear at this unforseen event. He has one last trick up his sleeve and pulls off a disappearing act that may or may not be successful. The atom bomb is an explosive show stopper.

And then there were... umm... none? They should all be dead. Except for Kojak the Lassie of the post-apocalypse and the surprise appearance of moon-faced Tom. Looks like Stu's odds of survival might beat the house. He has Tom fetch any medicine and/or food he can from any nearby cars. Tom does pretty darn good. He also finally learns of Nick's death and cries for his lost friend but accepts it better than I did. Despite the luck of finding a working car and driving it to the nearest town, Stu takes a turn for the worse and Tom and Kojak are worried. But never fear, the spirit of Nick is here! Hi everybody! Hi Dr. Nick! He can talk now because heaven has a terrific healthcare system. He gives Tom instructions on what pills to give Stu and some tough love on being a man. If Stu does end up dying, Nick tells his mental friend that he should go to the Free Zone with Kojak and leave Stu behind. Good plan, Nick. I feel a sense of incompleteness knowing one of the four men survived certain death. And no, this isn't petty revenge against the whiny pregnant girl who won't have any boys if Stu dies... nope. It is not.

Ah screw it. We all know I'm petty so let's wrap this up since I'm nearing the end of this book. Thanks to Mental Major Tom, Stu gets better. They spend a few weeks in a hotel when an unexpected snow storm hits. Winter's a'comin and if they don't try to make it home in a liberated snowcat, they'll have to wait it out until spring. They keep on trucking as the snow comes and goes, and as weeks turn into months. Stu dreams of Fran giving birth and they're not pleasant dreams. Blood! Placenta! Vaaaagiiiinnaaa! Anyone feeling uncomfortable, yet? Tom and Stu have a nice makeshift Christmas and continue to ski country. After much snow, tunnels, and wolves that indicate the Dark Man may not be dead, the two men and Kojak finally make it to Boulder. Fran's baby seems to be suffering from the Superflu but behold! Another miracle as the baby survives, why not. Wow, isn't Frannie the fanny just a lucky girl? Her baby represents hope, I suppose. But I think a baby borne from two immune parents would bring even more hope. Like Lucy's babies. Too bad her beloved Singer Larry is dead. I say too bad, but it's just a formality. I feel more sorry for that Leo kid who King doesn't mention again but of course we get a final chapter that focuses on the Maine girl, the Texas man, and their baby.

In the last chapter, which reads more like an epilogue, the Free Zone is well over ten thousand strong and the children are playing their spring games. No Longer Preggo Fran misses her home town of Maine and wants to leave the Free Zone sometime soon. I wonder how long her wanderlust will last when she hits her first block of dead bodies. It took a group of a dozen men to bury thousands of dead bodies in Boulder and that was just a light haul. They end up at Mother Abagail's Cabin O'Corn and ponder the future of humanity. There's police officers in Boulder. And guns. And the old ways of civilization. Crime, drugs, and killing may or may not follow. King ends the book on a note of uncertainty with two characters I also feel uncertain about. Fitting. I need me a Lovin' Spoonful.

Do you believe in magic, in a pyro's heart?
How the a-bomb can free him, or tear a town apart.
It's white magic. And you know that I'll root.
For the dog, and the mental guy, and the ghost of a mute.
Talked about a black woman who lives in corn.
And a demon and a nerd who was obsessed with porn.

Do you believe, what I believe?
Do you believe that Flagg *did* leave?
So many dead, but few I grieve.
I'll pull a conclusion out of my sleeve...

You know, my fears lingered from the previous book, especially when, once again, a woman I don't particularly care for survived in the end. But overall, King really had me hooked with this one. This apocalyptic future is, at it's core, a story about good vs. evil. But unlike the power struggles of supernatural evil entities in normal, small towns, this story depicts a Tolkein epic in a sprawling landscape, covering cities, beaches, mountains, and the desert from hell. Sure, there's still a supernatural evil entity here, representing Satan, and an old woman representing, I guess, a disciple? Jesus? A physical manifestation of mortal salvation (wait, I think that's also Jesus)? I could go on and on but that's not what this entry is about and it would take too long (goodness knows this is long enough!)

I want to commend King on redeeming himself in my eyes and showing he can combine drama, horror, and different scenery (it's not just Maine, people!) into an engaging read. Let's give a standing ovation to 'The Stand'.

This blog post was brought to you by Mother Abagail's Fried Chicken and Twinkies. A combination so good, evil weasels will try and kill you for it! (And don't forget the corn, mah dear chile'.)

The Stand

Took me long enough to get the 1978 version of this book. Most versions of The Stand today are the extended, unedited version that's 1,000+ pages long. As if this book isn't long enough anyway with over 800 pages (that's the longest Stephen King book I've read yet; double 'Salem's Lot and over quadruple the pages in Carrie). I don't mind long reads for fun but can you imagine how long my blog post would be after reading over 1,000 pages? I'd bore myself before I finished. So this book is a bit more fantasy than horror which should make me wary. Last book I read that wasn't full out horror made me want to eat a rancid hot dog.

But this is a story about a barren, post-apocalyptic future and as a survivor of Y2K and anticipator of Mayan sunspots, this book is relevant to my interests. I've even busted out the Twinkies. (The #1 sponsor of a good old-fashioned apocalypse.)

Part One: Captain Trips

The requisite three part split starts us off with the riveting conversation of a recession. The 1980s always find a way to be relevant in this day and age. A group of country boys are discussing the economic troubles at an old gas station when a car comes barreling down, out of control, and taking out a few gas pumps that were luckily shut off. When the men rush over to see what's going on, they find an unconscious man and a dead woman and toddler girl. The mother and daughter have swollen necks, dark eyes, and dried mucus under their noses. It's like allergies and the flu had themselves an illness baby. Though the driver regains faint consciousness, he asks about his family before spouting nonsense about "putting out the dog" and someone "having the books". I bet this will make more sense later on. The ambulance arrives but the sick daddy doesn't make it.

Over in some sunnier Maine beach town, we get introduced to a young woman by the name of Fran Goldsmith who seems to reminisce on the days when she wasn't pregnant and even sneaks in a Scarlet Letter reference. She's definitely a college student. She meets up with her baby daddy, Jess, of equal or lesser age and you can expect how that conversation goes. He's upset because she was supposed to be on birth control and she's upset because the damn pill didn't work or she forgot it or something. I want to criticize her scatterbrained attitude on something so important but I'd probably be the same way. They discuss their options, ranging from marriage to abortion. He proposes the former but ends the conversation on the latter. Fran isn't really feeling the love for her guy and they depart to think their options through and come to a decision. She drives off in her car and he pedals his bike home after he slaps her (though he does apologize). I'm gonna take a guess and say this relationship is not of the eternal soul mates variety.

A day after the big gas station crash in Texas, we see some very suspicious flu-like symptoms appearing on the gas station guys and the ambulance attendants. It's affecting everyone to various degrees, Norm, his wife Lila, Hap, Vic, Joe Bob... no wait, that last one is a cop. Yes, a cop named Joe Bob in Texas. The urge to "Yeehaw" is strong for me. Officer Joe Bob is there to give some information about the dead guy and tip them off about some federal officials from the health department coming by to quarantine them. Looks like the dead guy was a former army man. The gas attendants worry that they've caught what the dead guy and his family had. By the way, Lila is babysitting for a neighbor's kids, furthering this superflu. You've screwed us all, Lila. I don't even know you and I already have disdain for you.

In a secret, desert government facility, some high ranking general soldier guy is surveying the remains of something called Project Blue. His second in command, who I also don't feel like naming, informs him about Joe Bob's contact with the gas station people and how he's possibly passing on this superflu to every cowboy in the general area. They must have some damn good spy cameras and surveillance back in the 80s. Apparently the military people at Project Blue Suede Shoes were working on something super and fluish when it all went awry and it got unleashed, killing everyone with much lung irritation and phlegm. None were spared. Not the people sleeping. The people in the labs. The people in the cafeteria eating soup and Twinkies(!!) None except for the guy from the first chapter who escaped lockdown with his wife and toddler in the fastest 1960s Chevy this side of the Mississippi. (Seriously, it was about twenty seconds before the bases shut all doors and the soldier with his family still managed to escape?)

We're with yet another new character, some idiot crooner who's running away from his L.A dealer and a pissed off landlord after finally getting a hit song and blowing all the money on hookers and blow. He's still getting royalty checks but he owes some major money and he's hiding with his mom in a bad section of New York City. His mother is a bit stunted emotionally but she takes him in and he cries. On the plus side, this suffering will make for a great blues album. Over with Fran and her old man, she breaks the pregnancy news and hopes for some fatherly advice. She gets it in a way, relating to her dead brother and the value of life or something. Fran decides she doesn't want to marry Jess but she's going to keep her baby. She and her father hope the news will go down half as smoothly when they discuss it with her logical, stern mother. I'm hoping to see the father's hoe tossed around. And maybe a gardening tool also. (Heyo!)

One of the gas station attendants, Stuart Redman, is in some high security hospital itching to find out why he's there and what's going on. His entire town got quarantined and anyone who was at the gas station, or came into contact with those at the gas station, were flown to a military hospital. After tons of needles, uncomfortable poking, and the "turn your head and cough" routine, Stu finally snaps that he won't cooperate with them unless he gets some answers. And it looks like he's in for a long wait so let's check in on Officer Joe Bob. It looks like the good officer is the one to blame for all this rather than Lila (I'm sorry for snapping at you Lila. Though I'm still not sure who you are). The cop pulls over a traveling salesman and the Superflu is spread to him. The traveling salesman stops at a diner where he infects much of the staff, then gives some directions to a family who are headed to New York. Of course, much like the game of telephone, these things take to spreading and warping until one third of third of the country ends up feeling sick and keeling over dead. And now I want to Purell the bejeesus out of my phone. The only other thing worth noting is that the disease is headed to both New York and California but it is the west coasters who give the disease the name "Captain Trips". Unless I get a damn good reason for that stupid name, I'm sticking with the Superflu. It's so much more catchy.

Another new character? Goody. It's a young deaf, mute boy in his early twenties. He gets jumped by a bunch of cowardly rednecks and gets beaten and robbed for his troubles. The mute boy ends up in the town jail after being found bloody and injured. The sheriff gets written descriptions of the assailants but admits that since they're townies and the deaf mute is no more than a drifter, justice will likely not prevail. Curse you, justice. Also the sheriff starts to cough and laments he's coming down with something. Captain Trips has done it again. No. It just doesn't sound right. Look up there in the sky! It's a cough! It's some phlegm! It's the Superflu! Ah yes. Much better. Another guy who's facing a bit of bad luck is that singer in New York. His mom, despite her lack of affection, is nice enough to buy all his favorite food and get him a program schedule for his favorite sports team (the Yankees, in case you were wondering. It's always the Yankees). And of course the drug binging singer repays his mom by going out and having a one night stand. It's with a chick from the Bronx so I was not surprised when the spatulas started flying. The singer laments his lack of friends (most only wanting a piece of him when he was famous) so he takes a taxi to visit his mom at work. As if she isn't embarrassed enough that her supposedly successful singer son is mooching off of her.

Let's go see if Stu finally got his answers. He's greeted by an amiable enough man who's not in some bio hazard suit. The doctor answers many of Stu's questions with the trusty ole' "Classified" answer but he does reveal that Stu seems to be unaffected by the Superflu via a guinea pig in his room being used like a canary in a coal mine. See, I would've used machine tests and virus cultures in a test tube but then I'm not a doctor. It looks like Stu's immune to the virus which is interesting because his mother, his wife, and his brother's wife all died of cancer. I'm not saying he's some kind of cursed harbinger of death that even the grim reaper will not touch. I'm just saying it'd be cool if he was. The doctor also tells him that many of his gas station buddies and their families are dead. Vic, Norman, Bob, Ralph, Chris, Lila, Leela, Burnsy, El Barto, Slurms MacKenzie. Some of those may be Matt Groening characters. One of the nurses manages to catch the supercontagious Superflu and superpasses it on to some army nurses and doctors. This is what happens when the army suffers cutbacks on their bio hazard suits.

Mr. King continues unveiling new characters, this time an assaulter and an attempted rapist who quickly become reckless murderers when they get out of minimum security jail. Their pot-fueled spree ends when they hit the hot and dusty plains of Arizona. The assaulter gets his head blown by a convenience store patron and the attempted rapist gets arrested as he tries to blow that popsicle stand. I may not care for some good ole' boys in this book but I do like to see some country justice. As for some "good ole' boys" I don't like, those hicks who assaulted the deaf mute kid are finally in the county jail. Or most of them, at least. The sheriff is dog sick and has made the deaf kid a deputy who has to give his former assailants some food and water. Well ain't that a kick to the groin. And they can't even transfer the redneck thugs because much of the state police is sick too, along with the town doctor. The deaf mute kid, who I like enough to identify as Nick, writes the sheriff and his wife a bit of his life story. He was an orphan and got picked on for his lack of vocal chords, learned to read and write via the stern slap method, and ultimately ran away when his orphanage went broke. The usual sadness that occurs to downtrodden Stephen King characters. But the kid moves around, taking work where he can find it in the apparently bad '80s economy and taking high school credits by mail. I've officially assigned an ASL sign for "Nick". It's a Fonzie style double thumbs up followed by four alternating fist pumps and a self high five. Because he's just that cool.

The drug binging singer finally gets some good news about his money issues. He got himself enough in royalty checks to possibly pay off his debt so he'll be going back to good old Cali where the Superflu likes to wear its Captain hat. I seriously want to know what's the meaning behind that name, "Captain Trips". Is it a reference to a song? A reference to drugs? A reference to a song about drugs? I tried to wiki it but there were no concrete answers there and if it takes more than two Google tries to find the answer then King shouldn't have named one third of his novel after a cultural reference that people wouldn't understand a few years down the road. The singer's good news is tempered by his mother's superillness and the jammed up hospital phone lines. The only person who's probably having a worse day is Stu, who got transferred to another prison-esque hospital after his former place of detention was contaminated. He's pretty sure the doctors have given up hope and the outbreak is being undereported or blamed on the Russians. What he doesn't know is that one of the top generals on Project Blue Skadoo We Can Too has been fired but not before hedging his bets one last time and releasing a little bit of the super mutant virus in Russia, China, and various parts of Europe. All so it won't be traced to the United States. The word "facepalm" and "rage" comes to mind. Also, I bet Madagascar won't get crunchatized, Captain.

You know what this book needs? Another horrible person. As if the attempted-rapist-turned-murderer wasn't bad enough. This "Dark Man" is given a description that sounds equal parts strange, mysterious, and just plain evil. He has many aliases which is shady enough in itself but he also seems to have a face that makes babies cry and a penis that makes women cold. Insert your own joke here. He has protested and participated in various things, including anti-war marches, pro-war meetings, Civil Rights riots, Klan rallies, and the boy scouts. A flip flopper? He's worse than the rapist/murderer. He's a politician. Actually, if he turns out to be a headache-prone mayoral candidate I will dropkick this book out the window. Since we're on the subject of horrible people, that rapist/murderer is being walked into his maximum security prison, certain that he won't get charged on the murders since there was probably no security cameras back then. I'm pretty sure they still had fingerprints and DNA in the 80s, and oh yeah, live witnesses who saw you shooting. Idiot. Some of the security guards are sick but they're ornery enough to bribe an inmate to knee the rapist/murderer in the balls. This warms my cold, vengeful heart.

From one jail to another, we've got my favorite jailer, Nick, and the good news is he's got the job of sheriff cinched up. The bad news is that he got it because the former sheriff died and his wife is well on her way. The Superflu is running through the town but it's polite enough to bypass Nick because he's already deaf and mute, so why knock down another two senses? Like the sweet, dutiful boy that he is, he continues to feed and look after the prisoners lest they sue for neglect. I'd like to see that charge stick in rural Arkansas during a Superflu epidemic. One of the prisoners gets sick and dies. The other follows soon after and finally, after the rest of the townspeople either got sick or got out of dodge, Nick releases the last prisoner who would rather run away than try and make good on his threats against a deaf mute. That dude is in the first stage of the Superflu so he ain't going far. Heh. Looks like Nick has a whole town to himself! All hail Sheriff/Default Mayor Nick!

A local radio jockey is taking calls on the epidemic spreading across the country, "You can call it tubeneck, or superflu, or Captain Trips, but it all means the same thing." We all know my stance on mutant illness terminology but even "tubeneck" is better than a clumsy-sounding navyman. The radio jockey is ready to report the truth and when the army catch wind of it, they come to shut his operation down. With bullets. The word "overreaction" comes to mind. The major radio (and TV) stations seems to be under some form of government censorship but I bet they still play that drug binging singer's only hit single. Yes, that was my way of clumsily connecting to the next chapter. So the singer is finally realizing that something is rotten about the Big Apple. His mother died in a jam packed hospital and he's pretty much in shock. There are some other people in New York, seemingly immune, like him. The true New Yorkers are either looting or sneaking into Yankee stadium to streak to an audience of no one. The singer laments a former friendship he ended because he's a forgetful bum who borrows money. Gee, the guy who threw a raging kegger and put the drugs on his tab is bad with money? Who knew. He finally walks around and comes across a rich Manhattan wife whose husband died. The two talk about what they've done and what they'll do, and ultimately decide to bust into a fancy steakhouse and cook themselves some fancy steak. How fancy!

You know who's not eating steak? Fran, the pregnant girl. Wow, that segue was even clumsier than the previous one. Also, I haven't read about her in ages. I feel like a humming bird on speed with how each chapter keeps hopping around to different characters and situations. Judging by the rambling rhymes running around in her head, she seems drunk or sick. Oh wait, no. Looks like it's just the ole familiar shock of losing both her parents to the Superflu. Now I'll never know if her mother compared her to a slut or a whore after she broke the pregnancy news. Fran's best friend and much of her beach town is also dead or gone. But not her best friend's younger brother, a fat, unwashed nerd with a pervert-sized crush on her. If he's immune, that means he's yet another new character. This brings us up to... I don't even know. Hopefully the fat nerd will be killed off soon like the radio jockey or that rapist/murderer's partner. After burying her father in his cherished garden, Fran has a dream about an evil, abortion-happy specter. It's implied this creepy thing is The Dark Man, aka the Boogieman, aka the Fancy Flip Flopper, aka Hitler's Secret Half-Brother, aka Randall Flagg. But is he a better potential suitor than Jess? (I just realized that dude might be dead so I remembered his name for nothing. Boooo.)

So the first man introduced as having an immunity to the damn disease is now facing certain death in a locked down military hospital. Stu's just a simple town guy who likes to hang out in gas stations and now he's going to be another casualty because he might know the truth about Project Blue Da Ba Dee, Da Ba Die and the trigger happy government is making good on the "die" part. Using the brave Watership Down rabbits as his inspiration, Stu grabs a chair and smashes it over his government-issued executioner's head. I don't remember the rabbits doing that. But it actually works and Stu escapes into the labyrinth of the military hospital. He twists and turns, lucky that most of the government nurses and officers are sick or dead. It seems like he might get caught in his escape and he gets grabbed right at the exit but only by some dying, grinning ghoul who may as well be the Black Rabbit of Inlé. It's all very exciting. Stu Redman is now Stu Free Man. Such is not the case for the rapist/murderer whose cellmates and wardens are dropping like tubenecked flies. And since he's not sick, I must bitterly accept he's another main character. Doesn't mean I have to remember his name. At least not yet. He draws parallels of the forgotten prisoners to a caged, pet rabbit he forgot to feed when he was a kid. Again with the rabbits. Is this supposed to be symbolism or a way to interconnect chapters? Well, if it keeps me from thinking up clumsy segues... so, the jailbird seems to be growing desperate as he stows away a dead rat to eat and prays for some kind of miracle. If Stephen King was an understanding, kind man, he'd let the guy rot. But since I hate that rapist/murderer, he'll almost certainly survive.

Trashcan Man. A new character is brought in named Trashcan Man. I'd shake my fist and complain but that's a snappy nickname I can remember. This new character is, well, I'll just say it. He's cuckoo for coco puffs. He insane in the membrane. He's not well, mentally speaking. And on top of that, he's a pyromaniac. That combination is about as good as gasoline and fire. Oh! Looks like I said the secret words because we're gonna get a live demonstration on some giant gasoline tankers. There are some flashbacks of people teasing the pyro and his abusive dad killing everyone but him and his mom, and then his troubled foray into trash can fires which culminated in burning down a house and getting sent to an institution that likes to fight fire with fire (or in this case, electricity). Then prison. He survived the sickness and was in the infirmary when most of the townspeople died or ran away in fear. And finally the Trashcan Man does what he does best. he takes out the trash. Or explodes some giant oil tank refinery in a fireball of gasoline death. But he's not called "Giant Oil Tank Exploder" Man. The pyro has his sights set on his own hometown and the country beyond. Trashcan Man and Captain Trip's Superflu. Now there's a tag team from hell.

The drug binging singer has learned that sleeping with a rich, older Manhattan woman is not so different from sleeping with a scrappy, young Bronx chick in that both can become clingy. Their plan to leave New York gets hampered a couple dozen blocks down when the Manhattan woman has to stop. Seems she wore fancy sandals on a survivor's hike. I'll side with the singer in the basest sense but I probably wouldn't have cursed her out and abandoned her for such a dumb mistake. After a whole lot of hand wringing and "I want my mommy" level nerves, the singer finally mans up and walks through the Lincoln Tunnel with no electricity to light his way. He carefully avoids the stalled cars with dead bodies inside and I must admit, the trek through the tunnel is even more exciting and suspenseful than Stu's escape. It helps that I've crossed the tunnel many times and could visualize the catwalks and the cars and the darkness (the singer brings a rifle but not a flashlight? Idiot.) At one point, he has to walk over a bunch of dead bodies and he pretty much wastes all the bullets in his rifle on a noise that turns out to be the Manhattan lady who followed him into the tunnel. The two finally emerge on the other side in Jersey, past a tank blockade filled with dead men. It's probably the only time two New Yorkers have been deliriously happy to be in New Jersey.

In a world pre-internet, how would a teenage nerd prepare for a sudden apocalypse? While we have a ton of zombie survival guides and a different end-of-the-world scenario for every month, a fat, amateur writer with a crush on Fran has the sense to gather supplies, plan a route to the closest disease center, and leave a large note bearing his destination for any other immune survivors who may find it. The nerd gets a smidgen of sympathy from me. Bullied misunderstood kids tend to do that. And his perfect older sister was fawned over by his parents so when his family died, he didn't necessarily express grief until a few days later, when it hits him like a ton of bricks. Hopefully this new world of fewer men and rough journeys will improve his physique and his love life. Things seem to pick up a bit with Fran who tries to get over her dislike of him and be more like a mother. Well, a mother who kisses him as a thank you. That plucky little nerd might just yet get lucky.

Over in the southwestern area of the country, Stu is putting his good old boy muscles to work. He's been hiking along for days, no clear destination other than going east until he hits the ocean. There's an ocean even closer if he walked west. Different animals seem to be affected differently, with deer and cats being immune but many dogs and some rats not so much. He finds one of the lucky dogs and my first thought is that I really like that excitable little rascal. My second thought is I wonder what that bastard King might do to man's best friend. The dog belongs to an odd professor who's strict with the dog but amiable with Stu. The professor hasn't seen anyone alive for days and he takes this Superflu epidemic pretty well, practicing his terrible painting and all that. The learned man and the gas guy have an interesting conversation about society and whether humanity will survive, whether due to future babies not being immune or whether petty infighting will bring mankind down. The professor thinks little societies would spring up and like any tribe, war would eventually break out. It's just a matter of time. But unlike ancient tribes, we have nuclear weapons. I don't think nuclear weapons are as easy to obtain as Stu's gun. Stu spends the night at the professor's place and has a dream about a Dark Man with red eyes. Okay, Mr. King, we have a Superflu ravaging many first and second world nations, I think adding a supernatural demon creature is overkill. Also, if you kill that dog, Kojak, I'ma cut'choo.

Times are tough for the rapist/murderer in prison. He's starving, even after consuming his dead rat, a cockroach, and much of his toilet water. He's also angry and doesn't think it's fair that the higher ups went and got sick and left him in his cell to rot. Cruel and unusual punishment is chucked out the window when two thirds of the country die practically overnight. He thinks he shouldn't even be there since he wouldn't have gone on that murder spree if not for the prodding from his partner in crime. Excuse me while I bust out my tiny violin and serenade the weak-willed, petty criminal under a river of my own tears. Bet they'd taste a lot better than prison toilet water. Mmm, that's good epicaricacy. But that miracle he's been hoping for finally shows it's dark, glowing-eyed face. It's the Notorious F.L.A.G.G. He's there to make a deal with the starving felon and the guy is rightfully scared but he has nothing else to lose so he agrees to be Randall's right hand man. I can only assume the evil drifter/possible devil chose Starvin' Marvin there for his easily controlled, dim-witted loyalty. Randall, the Dark Man, gives the guy a magic black rock and they're off to get started on evil, stupid plans, I'm sure. And the rapist/murderer thinks he loves this guy. Honey, if I had a nickel for every time I heard of some poor fool falling in love with the devil...

My favorite deaf mute, Nick, has hit a patch of bad luck when he nearly hit a patch of dead dog and fell from his bicycle. His wounds get infected and he sleeps it off at the jail cell but he dreams of that Dark Man with his dark promises and temptations. The shadowy man promises riches, power, women, and a fully functioning five senses. Nick resists and there are strong biblical connotations here but I can't site specific passages so I'll go on to the corn dream. I haven't mentioned that a few of the immune characters have had dreams of a corn field because, well it seemed pretty pointless. This particular corn field dream at least leads Nick to... another new character! An old black woman who's just shy of a Lordy'Lord Mammy caricature. But she brings Nick some comfort in the dream and invites him to visit her if he's lost. She's in Nebraska, and he's the last of the immune characters (that I can remember) who has finally left on his own journey. I guess it's just a matter of time before some of these characters start running into each other. Maybe have their own version of Survivor meets Gilligan's Island. Some of the roles are already fillable; Stu can be the skipper, the pregnant girl is Mary Anne, the singer is bumbling old Gilligan, and the Professor with the dog can be... a coconut.

On our country's Independence Day, the drug binging singer, who I may as well reveal is named Larry, feels patriotic and horny. As well he should. He escaped the traffic and sickness of New York City and is camping out near Vermont or something. He managed to grab himself camping supplies and a Harley motorcycle. For all my contempt at him, he at least managed to travel in style. He's about ready to give his sugar mama a good morning "poking" when he discovers she died. Is it irony when the former druggie's lady friend dies of a pill overdose? It's definitely something that amuses me. Larry isn't exactly singing the blues since she was holding him back the whole way through but he's alone now, and it doesn't hit him until he nearly crashes his bike (see what I did there?) what a problem that could be. He could bust his stupid singer head and no one would know except the birds and Bambi's mom.

Our first merging of characters occurs on the roadway when the gas station guy, Stu, spots Fran and her little nerd in tow on motorcycles. Everyone's armed but Stu tries to make friendly niceties with these new faces. While Fran is receptive, the nerdy guy, named Harold, is not so much. Stu can see that the kid has a thing for Fran but she does not return the feelings. They tell him of their plans to go to the disease center which just so happens to be the place Stu escaped from. He tells him of his plans to head to the lower east coast by the ocean but Fran tells him things aren't any better, plague-wise over in Maine (the most east coast, oceany state of all the east coast, oceany states). After some straight talking and promises from Stu that he won't be raping anyone, Nerdy Harold reluctantly allows him to join their convoy. A Texan worker, a Maine college student, and a Maine nerd walk into a bar... and it looks like, despite his assurances, Stu does seem to develop a bit of an attraction to Fran, who still hasn't told anyone else that she's pregnant. I guess that kind of cosmic joke is only funny to me.

With this we finally end the first part of this epic novel. And I ended up summarizing pretty much every chapter, making for a much longer blog post than usual. But then most chapters are very short. One was actually just half a page long. Things are picking up in this apocalypse!

Part Two: On the Border

Just wanted to point out that each part is named "Book" not "Part". (Ex: "Book 1", "Book 2", & "Book 3"). And they're long enough to be actual Carrie-sized books. I didn't want some future pedant to complain that I named them parts. I'm not mistaken, I'm simply lazy. So we're making a run for the border and we start the second part with Nick, my favorite deaf mute. He crashes his bike trying to swerve a passed out drunk on the road. Turns out the drunk is mildly retarded and can't read. And Nick has no way of communicating except for writing. It's like the odd couple but with disabled people. The mental drunkie, who's much older than Nick, eventually figures out Nick's deal by going into some kind of trance. Nick isn't picky about his company, so he steals the mental dude a bike (equipped with obnoxious horn and bell he won't hear), stuffs a bag full of canned foods, and the two leave town. I give the mental guy's odds of survival about the same as a pampered Manhattan rich lady in the Vermont wilderness.

Nick dreams of that damn Dark Man again, and now more than ever Nick becomes dead set on reaching Nebraska and an old black woman living in a field of corn. Team Handicapable stop in yet another deserted town and Nick looks around a department store for some medicine for his companion's upset stomach. Since it looks like he's sticking around, I'll reveal that the mentally challenged man is named Tom Cullen. Okay, I'm revealing it so I can also say "Look, it's Edward's non-vampire daddy! Doesn't that explain a lot?" And now I feel more like I'm insulting handicapped people than sparkly vampires. Ah well. Nick comes across a young girl in short shorts who's so relieved at finding another living person, she throws herself into her arms. Nick tries to be a gentleman but no one is stopping a sweaty, hysterical girl from having some post-apocalyptic sex with a cute deaf mute. And that may come back to bite him in the ass since the chick is spoiled and crazy. Isn't there a saying about not sticking a certain body part in crazy? Well, she trashes their bikes and food when she doesn't get her way and the two guys run off, leaving her behind. They eventually stumble across an older man in a pick-up truck and hopefully that dude isn't just as crazy as the chick because Nick and Tom can't be peddling bicycles the whole way. This isn't the Netherlands. There are potholes, thunderstorms, and a-holes with guns out there.

Making an argument for the use of the lightweight, pollution-free bicycle is Larry, the drug binging singer. But he's on the edge of heat stroke so I can't take his reasoning all that seriously. The singer dreams of the Dark Man and then we see that Larry's being watched by two new people, a woman who's never had sex (King makes it a point to mention that) and a twitchy, boy with nothing on his person except for shorts and a knife. Sigh. These two new characters follow him to a beach where the kid tries to introduce him to his knife. Go kid go! Alas, Larry has no qualms defending himself with a boot to the stomach. We learn the kid has gone feral after his family died and the woman, in her mid-thirties, is a former teacher who found the kid and takes care of him. It takes a while, but Larry finally gets on the kid's good side when he plays the guitar. I guess his musical talent isn't completely useless. After more or less soothing the savage beast, the three make it all the way to Maine where they spot that large note (on the roof of a barn) left by nerdy Harold about two weeks ago. Larry is all but singing Harold's praises and ingenuity.

Larry teaches the teacher how to ride a motorcycle because that's the fastest and most nimble way to get to the disease center outlined on the barn. He nearly loses his temper in the process and the wild kid shares my look of contempt for the singer but then he dreams of corn fields and that old woman who I must give name to: Mother Abagail. She implies he's trying to change for the better but that school teacher may have a dark secret. As for the feral little boy, I think I like him. He's like a wild dog who can actually speak when he feels like it. The three hit a snag when they can't maneuver the motorcycles through traffic and car crashes but slowing down gives them a chance to encounter yet another survivor: a mother and housewife who outlived her family. They meet because Mr King either doesn't like me or thinks highly of my memory. The youngish housewife is grateful to join them, telling them she's been scared and dreaming of the Dark Man. Larry is surprised but reveals his corn-filled dreams about the oldest black woman in Nebraska. Looks like everyone's had that dream of the old woman. Everyone except for the sexless school teacher. Suspicious! They finally get to the disease center but find it abandoned and everyone dead. Also a note! Harold, Fran, Stu, and the professor are headed for Nebraska. Looks like they had the dreams too. And it looks like everyone's headed for corn country. I hope Mother Abagail's shack can handle the five hundred characters that are probably going to be introduced in book 2.

Actually, we may as well learn a little more about Mother Abagail Freemantle, since this chapter is dedicated to her. She's a God-fearing woman who likes toast with coffee despite having no teeth. She was born in 1875 and has experienced true racism and prejudice, instead of the watered-down definition held tight by many politically correct WASPs nowadays. She's well over a hundred years old and has surely seen many things, including the Dark Man's true form. Being hospitable, Mother Abagail goes to kill some chickens for the weary travelers who are getting closer every day. She nearly gets taken out by demonic weasels for her troubles. My dear, deaf mute Nick finally arrives and boy has he rounded up a bunch of strays along the way. A veterinarian, two more women, and an injured little girl, which is in addition to the truck driver who saved him and Tom from bicycling bunions a few chapters back. Okay, I understand their need to find more people immune but Mr. King, please, no more new names. Please. I don't care if you're gonna end up killing half of them, I still have to try and differentiate every newcomer with snappy nicknames and descriptions. So far, and this is taking into account only the people who've had at least a whole chapter devoted to them, there's: a preggo girl, a gas station guy, a drug binging singer, a deaf mute, a rapist/murderer, a schizo pyro, a fat nerd, a professor with an adorable dog, a mentally challenged man, a southern truck driver, a shady school teacher, a wild boy who loves music, a former housewife, a religious old woman of the corn, and possibly the frickin' devil.

Mother Abagail, it may not surprise you to know, has prophetic dreams. She thinks of her power as "the shining lamp of God" and I just want to take a moment to ponder what it would've been like if I read The Shining third and left this monster for last, as I should have if I went by the publishing timeline. At least there's only three or four characters to remember in The Shining. I'll look forward to it next week but I still have a flupocalypse to get through. So Mother Abagail tells Nick and his second in command, a guy named Ralph, that she dreamt of them going to the Rockies to probably start a new settlement. And she had at least two hundred people following her in her dream. (Dear God, why? I was just kidding two paragraphs up!) Nick wonders about the Dark Man who's also rounding up people like Mother Abagail seems to be doing. He doesn't think the Dark Man is the devil and Mother Abagail agrees; the dark man is more like Satan's poker buddy or something. Nick isn't keen on them moving west, in closer proximity of the dark bastard who likes to sic weasels on innocent old ladies but he goes because their Mother insists. And even though he doesn't believe in God, and even though their Mother confesses her fears and her doubts on her visions as any rational person would, they go through with it and hope for the best. As long as there aren't any psychics with coma sob stories, it's all good.

Team TexMaine seem to be a little worse for wear as they suffer from dreams of that dark man. Everyone's resorting to taking sleeping pills except for Fran who, at this rate, won't disclose her pregnancy until her water breaks and a baby is dangling between her legs. Little Frannie PregnantPants keeps a diary for posterity and that's how we learn she has feelings for Stu, and that nerdy Larry put the moves on her but got rebuffed. If Stu had a mid-twenties wife a while back, he has to be about thirty. So it's either a seventeen year old, jealous nerd or an older gas jockey who can swing a mean chair (the professor doesn't count, and I'm sure he hears that a lot in life). I guess beggars can't be choosers and Stu seems like a nice enough guy. The four stumble across a group of girls in a stuck car who were also headed to Nebraska because of the corn dream. Nope, keep moving. Don't even care what they look like. Eventually Fran tells Stu that she's pregnant. You know, after they have sex on a rock. And Harold sees everything. Oh crap.... wait, maybe he'll help me take out some names. But of course he doesn't. He has two guns and everything but rather than shoot up everyone while they're sleeping in their tents, he steals Fran's diary, reads it, then has a little fun time with his right hand. Damn it Harold. Can't you do anything, right?

Holy crap, it's the Trashcan Man. I haven't read hide nor hair of him since his introduction about 12 chapters and a whole book back. This crazy pyro is about as dinged up as an old trashcan. He's doing the crazy thing of humming along as he travels to his final destination. I can't be the only one who wants him to hum 'Do You Believe In Magic' by The Lovin' Spoonful. He remembers how he was near suicidal, having burnt his stupid arm after a particularly bad explosion, when that rascal Randall appeared in a dream and directed him to Cibola. The pyromaniac was all gung ho about following his dark master's orders and didn't feel any fear until he entered Nebraska, He dreamt of Nebraska's corn woman and transforming into a weasel. So... was he one of those weasels who scared her before or what? All these interconnected dreams and visions and messages are starting to give me a headache. After getting groped by a racist, old man, crawling through a tunnel, and nearly dying in the southwestern desert, he makes it to Cibola. Or rather Las Vegas. I guess Cibola was supposed to be metaphorical and not referring to an actual town in Arizona. Larry the rat-eating jail bird, is less stupid than I remembered him. And he's got a whole bunch of musclemen working for him. The Trashcan Man meets with The Dark Man. May I just say how fitting it is that Satan's poker buddy sets up shop in Las Vegas?

Someone named Lucy Swann is named in this chapter. For a minute I don't realize I've already met her. She's part of that singer's group; the housewife. And the group has grown to almost twenty according to her. So we got a guy with the surname Cullen, and a lady with the surname Swann. Vampire melodrama jokes notwithstanding, this brings our survivors chart up to, what, forty? Fifty? After they get a CB radio, they get into contact with Nick's group and find out the Nebraska team have set up camp in Boulder, Colorado where they've been joined by other wandering stragglers, reaching close to three hundred people. It's like the cast of Lost, Revolution, Oceans 11 and 7 Maniacs all decided to hop into this novel to give my scattered memory more trouble than an asthmatic in an army base. And I promise this is the last time I'm going to complain about more new characters because even I'm getting tired of it. I blame Project Blue Eyes Cryin' in the Rain (because of the damn Superflu).

Looks like the housewife carries a torch for Larry but Larry is still interested in the school teacher who clings to her virginity like a nun in a whorehouse. And all this despite the teacher wanting to give in to the seemingly smooth singer. I don't care how many people say he's good, I just don't care very much for the drug binging singer that is Larry Underwood (father of Carrie Underwood except not really). The guy has a temper, he's selfish as it gets, and he's a bit of a player. He slept with a fifty year old, then a twenty year old who's crushing on him, but he wants to bang a thirty year old teacher. He won't stop until he crosses off every decade from his list. Maybe it's unfair of me to judge him because the dude is acting how many normal, average men would react in this situation. It's just that when compared to the patient, young Nick, or even the folksy but tough Stu, Larry pretty much pales as a male specimen. The only guys lower on the totem pole is Harold the nerd and the wild boy known as "Joe", simply due to immaturity and age. Anyway, the school teacher has been having dreams of "giving in" to a cold, dark force. She's apparently been saving herself for Randall Flagg ever since she was young, and as long as she remains pure, she'll stay under his control. So all she has to do is sex up a boy and she'll be out of that demon's grasp. I want to shake this woman. I've heard of girls saving themselves for that special someone, but I think The Dark Man is a different kind of special. Not like Tom special but definitely not the sweet prince of romantic fairy tales.

With no preamble, we're at Boulder, Colorado where Stu and the professor's group have already converged with the people following Nick and his right hand man, Truck Driver Ralph. They figure out that they're building a good settlement, while the Dark Man is recruiting an evil settlement. Hell has all the bureaucrats and lawyers so you can bet Flagg City will be organized and under strict, tyrannical rule. The professor, a rational thinker, doesn't think it's wise to put Mother Abagail in charge of everything (a good dictatorship is still a dictatorship), even if everyone might want it. And it seems everyone does want it except for Mother Abagail. We finally have Singer Larry's group of stragglers joining "the Free Zone". I guess "Boulder" didn't sound patriotic enough. Or maybe it represents the free stuff up for grabs in the abandoned stores. In any case, with everyone finally gathered, I must get to specific identifying because it eases my aching head. We have the singer, Larry, as the grudging leader of the New York group. Adorable deaf mute, Nick, is the leader of the Nebraska group. And it looks like Texan gas guy, Stu, is the default leader of the TexMaine people (despite the nerdy dude's objections). Okay. I think these three "leaders" are the protagonists. It's only taken me mid-way into book 2 to figure that out.

And it looks like the school teacher is going to play a big role over on the side of evil with the Randall the Vandal and the Dimwitted Felon. And possibly the nerd Harold. All this based on Mother Abagail's feelings on them; as soon as the school teacher introduced herself, they both felt a chill of fear. Now, Mother Abagail could've denounced the woman and got her ass kicked out of the Free Zone. Even the teacher's beloved Wild Boy Joe has been rechristened Non-Wild Boy Leo by Mother Abagail. And Leo totally took a shine to the old woman, just like everyone except for the Antichrist's consort. But no. Mother turned a blind eye and let the teacher go. This is not the time for letting tantrums ride out, Mother. This is the time for stern punishment. Maybe even a spanking. Meanwhile, a committee is forming thanks to Stu, with the members consisting of Deaf Mute Nick, Professor Glen (who left behind the dog!), Ralph the Truck Driver, Some Guy I Don't Know, Pregnant Fran (really?), Gas Guy Stu, and Some Lady I Don't Remember (but probably there so the pregnant girl won't feel alone).

Speaking of the pregnant girl, Fran's busy doing a little dance and making a little love with her main man, Stu. The moment is broken when someone is outside her window and she gets a case of the giggles. Yeah, she's one of those types when it comes to nerves. That someone outside is Seemingly Reformed Singer Larry, and he has a little something for her and Harold. But mostly Harold. See, ever since he saw that sign in Maine, he's pictured Harold as some kind of genius savior figure. He recounts his entire journey to Fran and how, whenever he got into a jam, he would ask himself WWHD (literally) and boy does that send Fran into a guilt trip because she's pretty much shunned Harold and he's isolated himself from her and Stu. I'm going to allow this guilt trip. Because Harold would not be this filled with angst and rage and hate if she'd just befriended him. Maybe if someone in the group tried to talk to him, he wouldn't be writing in some hate journal and plotting to join Randall Flagg...

I'm already getting a sense of dread and underlying annoyance. The last thing this near-utopian society needs is an angsty, nerdy teenager and yet here we are. Easily preventable too. Man, I need a break. This blog post is too long. And I know many of my previous blog posts have been too long and probably no one even reads this but I can already tell this one is gonna be really, really long. And it's not even the extended edition.

I'm pulling a Stephen King and splitting this story up.