The Stand

Took me long enough to get the 1978 version of this book. Most versions of The Stand today are the extended, unedited version that's 1,000+ pages long. As if this book isn't long enough anyway with over 800 pages (that's the longest Stephen King book I've read yet; double 'Salem's Lot and over quadruple the pages in Carrie). I don't mind long reads for fun but can you imagine how long my blog post would be after reading over 1,000 pages? I'd bore myself before I finished. So this book is a bit more fantasy than horror which should make me wary. Last book I read that wasn't full out horror made me want to eat a rancid hot dog.

But this is a story about a barren, post-apocalyptic future and as a survivor of Y2K and anticipator of Mayan sunspots, this book is relevant to my interests. I've even busted out the Twinkies. (The #1 sponsor of a good old-fashioned apocalypse.)

Part One: Captain Trips

The requisite three part split starts us off with the riveting conversation of a recession. The 1980s always find a way to be relevant in this day and age. A group of country boys are discussing the economic troubles at an old gas station when a car comes barreling down, out of control, and taking out a few gas pumps that were luckily shut off. When the men rush over to see what's going on, they find an unconscious man and a dead woman and toddler girl. The mother and daughter have swollen necks, dark eyes, and dried mucus under their noses. It's like allergies and the flu had themselves an illness baby. Though the driver regains faint consciousness, he asks about his family before spouting nonsense about "putting out the dog" and someone "having the books". I bet this will make more sense later on. The ambulance arrives but the sick daddy doesn't make it.

Over in some sunnier Maine beach town, we get introduced to a young woman by the name of Fran Goldsmith who seems to reminisce on the days when she wasn't pregnant and even sneaks in a Scarlet Letter reference. She's definitely a college student. She meets up with her baby daddy, Jess, of equal or lesser age and you can expect how that conversation goes. He's upset because she was supposed to be on birth control and she's upset because the damn pill didn't work or she forgot it or something. I want to criticize her scatterbrained attitude on something so important but I'd probably be the same way. They discuss their options, ranging from marriage to abortion. He proposes the former but ends the conversation on the latter. Fran isn't really feeling the love for her guy and they depart to think their options through and come to a decision. She drives off in her car and he pedals his bike home after he slaps her (though he does apologize). I'm gonna take a guess and say this relationship is not of the eternal soul mates variety.

A day after the big gas station crash in Texas, we see some very suspicious flu-like symptoms appearing on the gas station guys and the ambulance attendants. It's affecting everyone to various degrees, Norm, his wife Lila, Hap, Vic, Joe Bob... no wait, that last one is a cop. Yes, a cop named Joe Bob in Texas. The urge to "Yeehaw" is strong for me. Officer Joe Bob is there to give some information about the dead guy and tip them off about some federal officials from the health department coming by to quarantine them. Looks like the dead guy was a former army man. The gas attendants worry that they've caught what the dead guy and his family had. By the way, Lila is babysitting for a neighbor's kids, furthering this superflu. You've screwed us all, Lila. I don't even know you and I already have disdain for you.

In a secret, desert government facility, some high ranking general soldier guy is surveying the remains of something called Project Blue. His second in command, who I also don't feel like naming, informs him about Joe Bob's contact with the gas station people and how he's possibly passing on this superflu to every cowboy in the general area. They must have some damn good spy cameras and surveillance back in the 80s. Apparently the military people at Project Blue Suede Shoes were working on something super and fluish when it all went awry and it got unleashed, killing everyone with much lung irritation and phlegm. None were spared. Not the people sleeping. The people in the labs. The people in the cafeteria eating soup and Twinkies(!!) None except for the guy from the first chapter who escaped lockdown with his wife and toddler in the fastest 1960s Chevy this side of the Mississippi. (Seriously, it was about twenty seconds before the bases shut all doors and the soldier with his family still managed to escape?)

We're with yet another new character, some idiot crooner who's running away from his L.A dealer and a pissed off landlord after finally getting a hit song and blowing all the money on hookers and blow. He's still getting royalty checks but he owes some major money and he's hiding with his mom in a bad section of New York City. His mother is a bit stunted emotionally but she takes him in and he cries. On the plus side, this suffering will make for a great blues album. Over with Fran and her old man, she breaks the pregnancy news and hopes for some fatherly advice. She gets it in a way, relating to her dead brother and the value of life or something. Fran decides she doesn't want to marry Jess but she's going to keep her baby. She and her father hope the news will go down half as smoothly when they discuss it with her logical, stern mother. I'm hoping to see the father's hoe tossed around. And maybe a gardening tool also. (Heyo!)

One of the gas station attendants, Stuart Redman, is in some high security hospital itching to find out why he's there and what's going on. His entire town got quarantined and anyone who was at the gas station, or came into contact with those at the gas station, were flown to a military hospital. After tons of needles, uncomfortable poking, and the "turn your head and cough" routine, Stu finally snaps that he won't cooperate with them unless he gets some answers. And it looks like he's in for a long wait so let's check in on Officer Joe Bob. It looks like the good officer is the one to blame for all this rather than Lila (I'm sorry for snapping at you Lila. Though I'm still not sure who you are). The cop pulls over a traveling salesman and the Superflu is spread to him. The traveling salesman stops at a diner where he infects much of the staff, then gives some directions to a family who are headed to New York. Of course, much like the game of telephone, these things take to spreading and warping until one third of third of the country ends up feeling sick and keeling over dead. And now I want to Purell the bejeesus out of my phone. The only other thing worth noting is that the disease is headed to both New York and California but it is the west coasters who give the disease the name "Captain Trips". Unless I get a damn good reason for that stupid name, I'm sticking with the Superflu. It's so much more catchy.

Another new character? Goody. It's a young deaf, mute boy in his early twenties. He gets jumped by a bunch of cowardly rednecks and gets beaten and robbed for his troubles. The mute boy ends up in the town jail after being found bloody and injured. The sheriff gets written descriptions of the assailants but admits that since they're townies and the deaf mute is no more than a drifter, justice will likely not prevail. Curse you, justice. Also the sheriff starts to cough and laments he's coming down with something. Captain Trips has done it again. No. It just doesn't sound right. Look up there in the sky! It's a cough! It's some phlegm! It's the Superflu! Ah yes. Much better. Another guy who's facing a bit of bad luck is that singer in New York. His mom, despite her lack of affection, is nice enough to buy all his favorite food and get him a program schedule for his favorite sports team (the Yankees, in case you were wondering. It's always the Yankees). And of course the drug binging singer repays his mom by going out and having a one night stand. It's with a chick from the Bronx so I was not surprised when the spatulas started flying. The singer laments his lack of friends (most only wanting a piece of him when he was famous) so he takes a taxi to visit his mom at work. As if she isn't embarrassed enough that her supposedly successful singer son is mooching off of her.

Let's go see if Stu finally got his answers. He's greeted by an amiable enough man who's not in some bio hazard suit. The doctor answers many of Stu's questions with the trusty ole' "Classified" answer but he does reveal that Stu seems to be unaffected by the Superflu via a guinea pig in his room being used like a canary in a coal mine. See, I would've used machine tests and virus cultures in a test tube but then I'm not a doctor. It looks like Stu's immune to the virus which is interesting because his mother, his wife, and his brother's wife all died of cancer. I'm not saying he's some kind of cursed harbinger of death that even the grim reaper will not touch. I'm just saying it'd be cool if he was. The doctor also tells him that many of his gas station buddies and their families are dead. Vic, Norman, Bob, Ralph, Chris, Lila, Leela, Burnsy, El Barto, Slurms MacKenzie. Some of those may be Matt Groening characters. One of the nurses manages to catch the supercontagious Superflu and superpasses it on to some army nurses and doctors. This is what happens when the army suffers cutbacks on their bio hazard suits.

Mr. King continues unveiling new characters, this time an assaulter and an attempted rapist who quickly become reckless murderers when they get out of minimum security jail. Their pot-fueled spree ends when they hit the hot and dusty plains of Arizona. The assaulter gets his head blown by a convenience store patron and the attempted rapist gets arrested as he tries to blow that popsicle stand. I may not care for some good ole' boys in this book but I do like to see some country justice. As for some "good ole' boys" I don't like, those hicks who assaulted the deaf mute kid are finally in the county jail. Or most of them, at least. The sheriff is dog sick and has made the deaf kid a deputy who has to give his former assailants some food and water. Well ain't that a kick to the groin. And they can't even transfer the redneck thugs because much of the state police is sick too, along with the town doctor. The deaf mute kid, who I like enough to identify as Nick, writes the sheriff and his wife a bit of his life story. He was an orphan and got picked on for his lack of vocal chords, learned to read and write via the stern slap method, and ultimately ran away when his orphanage went broke. The usual sadness that occurs to downtrodden Stephen King characters. But the kid moves around, taking work where he can find it in the apparently bad '80s economy and taking high school credits by mail. I've officially assigned an ASL sign for "Nick". It's a Fonzie style double thumbs up followed by four alternating fist pumps and a self high five. Because he's just that cool.

The drug binging singer finally gets some good news about his money issues. He got himself enough in royalty checks to possibly pay off his debt so he'll be going back to good old Cali where the Superflu likes to wear its Captain hat. I seriously want to know what's the meaning behind that name, "Captain Trips". Is it a reference to a song? A reference to drugs? A reference to a song about drugs? I tried to wiki it but there were no concrete answers there and if it takes more than two Google tries to find the answer then King shouldn't have named one third of his novel after a cultural reference that people wouldn't understand a few years down the road. The singer's good news is tempered by his mother's superillness and the jammed up hospital phone lines. The only person who's probably having a worse day is Stu, who got transferred to another prison-esque hospital after his former place of detention was contaminated. He's pretty sure the doctors have given up hope and the outbreak is being undereported or blamed on the Russians. What he doesn't know is that one of the top generals on Project Blue Skadoo We Can Too has been fired but not before hedging his bets one last time and releasing a little bit of the super mutant virus in Russia, China, and various parts of Europe. All so it won't be traced to the United States. The word "facepalm" and "rage" comes to mind. Also, I bet Madagascar won't get crunchatized, Captain.

You know what this book needs? Another horrible person. As if the attempted-rapist-turned-murderer wasn't bad enough. This "Dark Man" is given a description that sounds equal parts strange, mysterious, and just plain evil. He has many aliases which is shady enough in itself but he also seems to have a face that makes babies cry and a penis that makes women cold. Insert your own joke here. He has protested and participated in various things, including anti-war marches, pro-war meetings, Civil Rights riots, Klan rallies, and the boy scouts. A flip flopper? He's worse than the rapist/murderer. He's a politician. Actually, if he turns out to be a headache-prone mayoral candidate I will dropkick this book out the window. Since we're on the subject of horrible people, that rapist/murderer is being walked into his maximum security prison, certain that he won't get charged on the murders since there was probably no security cameras back then. I'm pretty sure they still had fingerprints and DNA in the 80s, and oh yeah, live witnesses who saw you shooting. Idiot. Some of the security guards are sick but they're ornery enough to bribe an inmate to knee the rapist/murderer in the balls. This warms my cold, vengeful heart.

From one jail to another, we've got my favorite jailer, Nick, and the good news is he's got the job of sheriff cinched up. The bad news is that he got it because the former sheriff died and his wife is well on her way. The Superflu is running through the town but it's polite enough to bypass Nick because he's already deaf and mute, so why knock down another two senses? Like the sweet, dutiful boy that he is, he continues to feed and look after the prisoners lest they sue for neglect. I'd like to see that charge stick in rural Arkansas during a Superflu epidemic. One of the prisoners gets sick and dies. The other follows soon after and finally, after the rest of the townspeople either got sick or got out of dodge, Nick releases the last prisoner who would rather run away than try and make good on his threats against a deaf mute. That dude is in the first stage of the Superflu so he ain't going far. Heh. Looks like Nick has a whole town to himself! All hail Sheriff/Default Mayor Nick!

A local radio jockey is taking calls on the epidemic spreading across the country, "You can call it tubeneck, or superflu, or Captain Trips, but it all means the same thing." We all know my stance on mutant illness terminology but even "tubeneck" is better than a clumsy-sounding navyman. The radio jockey is ready to report the truth and when the army catch wind of it, they come to shut his operation down. With bullets. The word "overreaction" comes to mind. The major radio (and TV) stations seems to be under some form of government censorship but I bet they still play that drug binging singer's only hit single. Yes, that was my way of clumsily connecting to the next chapter. So the singer is finally realizing that something is rotten about the Big Apple. His mother died in a jam packed hospital and he's pretty much in shock. There are some other people in New York, seemingly immune, like him. The true New Yorkers are either looting or sneaking into Yankee stadium to streak to an audience of no one. The singer laments a former friendship he ended because he's a forgetful bum who borrows money. Gee, the guy who threw a raging kegger and put the drugs on his tab is bad with money? Who knew. He finally walks around and comes across a rich Manhattan wife whose husband died. The two talk about what they've done and what they'll do, and ultimately decide to bust into a fancy steakhouse and cook themselves some fancy steak. How fancy!

You know who's not eating steak? Fran, the pregnant girl. Wow, that segue was even clumsier than the previous one. Also, I haven't read about her in ages. I feel like a humming bird on speed with how each chapter keeps hopping around to different characters and situations. Judging by the rambling rhymes running around in her head, she seems drunk or sick. Oh wait, no. Looks like it's just the ole familiar shock of losing both her parents to the Superflu. Now I'll never know if her mother compared her to a slut or a whore after she broke the pregnancy news. Fran's best friend and much of her beach town is also dead or gone. But not her best friend's younger brother, a fat, unwashed nerd with a pervert-sized crush on her. If he's immune, that means he's yet another new character. This brings us up to... I don't even know. Hopefully the fat nerd will be killed off soon like the radio jockey or that rapist/murderer's partner. After burying her father in his cherished garden, Fran has a dream about an evil, abortion-happy specter. It's implied this creepy thing is The Dark Man, aka the Boogieman, aka the Fancy Flip Flopper, aka Hitler's Secret Half-Brother, aka Randall Flagg. But is he a better potential suitor than Jess? (I just realized that dude might be dead so I remembered his name for nothing. Boooo.)

So the first man introduced as having an immunity to the damn disease is now facing certain death in a locked down military hospital. Stu's just a simple town guy who likes to hang out in gas stations and now he's going to be another casualty because he might know the truth about Project Blue Da Ba Dee, Da Ba Die and the trigger happy government is making good on the "die" part. Using the brave Watership Down rabbits as his inspiration, Stu grabs a chair and smashes it over his government-issued executioner's head. I don't remember the rabbits doing that. But it actually works and Stu escapes into the labyrinth of the military hospital. He twists and turns, lucky that most of the government nurses and officers are sick or dead. It seems like he might get caught in his escape and he gets grabbed right at the exit but only by some dying, grinning ghoul who may as well be the Black Rabbit of Inlé. It's all very exciting. Stu Redman is now Stu Free Man. Such is not the case for the rapist/murderer whose cellmates and wardens are dropping like tubenecked flies. And since he's not sick, I must bitterly accept he's another main character. Doesn't mean I have to remember his name. At least not yet. He draws parallels of the forgotten prisoners to a caged, pet rabbit he forgot to feed when he was a kid. Again with the rabbits. Is this supposed to be symbolism or a way to interconnect chapters? Well, if it keeps me from thinking up clumsy segues... so, the jailbird seems to be growing desperate as he stows away a dead rat to eat and prays for some kind of miracle. If Stephen King was an understanding, kind man, he'd let the guy rot. But since I hate that rapist/murderer, he'll almost certainly survive.

Trashcan Man. A new character is brought in named Trashcan Man. I'd shake my fist and complain but that's a snappy nickname I can remember. This new character is, well, I'll just say it. He's cuckoo for coco puffs. He insane in the membrane. He's not well, mentally speaking. And on top of that, he's a pyromaniac. That combination is about as good as gasoline and fire. Oh! Looks like I said the secret words because we're gonna get a live demonstration on some giant gasoline tankers. There are some flashbacks of people teasing the pyro and his abusive dad killing everyone but him and his mom, and then his troubled foray into trash can fires which culminated in burning down a house and getting sent to an institution that likes to fight fire with fire (or in this case, electricity). Then prison. He survived the sickness and was in the infirmary when most of the townspeople died or ran away in fear. And finally the Trashcan Man does what he does best. he takes out the trash. Or explodes some giant oil tank refinery in a fireball of gasoline death. But he's not called "Giant Oil Tank Exploder" Man. The pyro has his sights set on his own hometown and the country beyond. Trashcan Man and Captain Trip's Superflu. Now there's a tag team from hell.

The drug binging singer has learned that sleeping with a rich, older Manhattan woman is not so different from sleeping with a scrappy, young Bronx chick in that both can become clingy. Their plan to leave New York gets hampered a couple dozen blocks down when the Manhattan woman has to stop. Seems she wore fancy sandals on a survivor's hike. I'll side with the singer in the basest sense but I probably wouldn't have cursed her out and abandoned her for such a dumb mistake. After a whole lot of hand wringing and "I want my mommy" level nerves, the singer finally mans up and walks through the Lincoln Tunnel with no electricity to light his way. He carefully avoids the stalled cars with dead bodies inside and I must admit, the trek through the tunnel is even more exciting and suspenseful than Stu's escape. It helps that I've crossed the tunnel many times and could visualize the catwalks and the cars and the darkness (the singer brings a rifle but not a flashlight? Idiot.) At one point, he has to walk over a bunch of dead bodies and he pretty much wastes all the bullets in his rifle on a noise that turns out to be the Manhattan lady who followed him into the tunnel. The two finally emerge on the other side in Jersey, past a tank blockade filled with dead men. It's probably the only time two New Yorkers have been deliriously happy to be in New Jersey.

In a world pre-internet, how would a teenage nerd prepare for a sudden apocalypse? While we have a ton of zombie survival guides and a different end-of-the-world scenario for every month, a fat, amateur writer with a crush on Fran has the sense to gather supplies, plan a route to the closest disease center, and leave a large note bearing his destination for any other immune survivors who may find it. The nerd gets a smidgen of sympathy from me. Bullied misunderstood kids tend to do that. And his perfect older sister was fawned over by his parents so when his family died, he didn't necessarily express grief until a few days later, when it hits him like a ton of bricks. Hopefully this new world of fewer men and rough journeys will improve his physique and his love life. Things seem to pick up a bit with Fran who tries to get over her dislike of him and be more like a mother. Well, a mother who kisses him as a thank you. That plucky little nerd might just yet get lucky.

Over in the southwestern area of the country, Stu is putting his good old boy muscles to work. He's been hiking along for days, no clear destination other than going east until he hits the ocean. There's an ocean even closer if he walked west. Different animals seem to be affected differently, with deer and cats being immune but many dogs and some rats not so much. He finds one of the lucky dogs and my first thought is that I really like that excitable little rascal. My second thought is I wonder what that bastard King might do to man's best friend. The dog belongs to an odd professor who's strict with the dog but amiable with Stu. The professor hasn't seen anyone alive for days and he takes this Superflu epidemic pretty well, practicing his terrible painting and all that. The learned man and the gas guy have an interesting conversation about society and whether humanity will survive, whether due to future babies not being immune or whether petty infighting will bring mankind down. The professor thinks little societies would spring up and like any tribe, war would eventually break out. It's just a matter of time. But unlike ancient tribes, we have nuclear weapons. I don't think nuclear weapons are as easy to obtain as Stu's gun. Stu spends the night at the professor's place and has a dream about a Dark Man with red eyes. Okay, Mr. King, we have a Superflu ravaging many first and second world nations, I think adding a supernatural demon creature is overkill. Also, if you kill that dog, Kojak, I'ma cut'choo.

Times are tough for the rapist/murderer in prison. He's starving, even after consuming his dead rat, a cockroach, and much of his toilet water. He's also angry and doesn't think it's fair that the higher ups went and got sick and left him in his cell to rot. Cruel and unusual punishment is chucked out the window when two thirds of the country die practically overnight. He thinks he shouldn't even be there since he wouldn't have gone on that murder spree if not for the prodding from his partner in crime. Excuse me while I bust out my tiny violin and serenade the weak-willed, petty criminal under a river of my own tears. Bet they'd taste a lot better than prison toilet water. Mmm, that's good epicaricacy. But that miracle he's been hoping for finally shows it's dark, glowing-eyed face. It's the Notorious F.L.A.G.G. He's there to make a deal with the starving felon and the guy is rightfully scared but he has nothing else to lose so he agrees to be Randall's right hand man. I can only assume the evil drifter/possible devil chose Starvin' Marvin there for his easily controlled, dim-witted loyalty. Randall, the Dark Man, gives the guy a magic black rock and they're off to get started on evil, stupid plans, I'm sure. And the rapist/murderer thinks he loves this guy. Honey, if I had a nickel for every time I heard of some poor fool falling in love with the devil...

My favorite deaf mute, Nick, has hit a patch of bad luck when he nearly hit a patch of dead dog and fell from his bicycle. His wounds get infected and he sleeps it off at the jail cell but he dreams of that Dark Man with his dark promises and temptations. The shadowy man promises riches, power, women, and a fully functioning five senses. Nick resists and there are strong biblical connotations here but I can't site specific passages so I'll go on to the corn dream. I haven't mentioned that a few of the immune characters have had dreams of a corn field because, well it seemed pretty pointless. This particular corn field dream at least leads Nick to... another new character! An old black woman who's just shy of a Lordy'Lord Mammy caricature. But she brings Nick some comfort in the dream and invites him to visit her if he's lost. She's in Nebraska, and he's the last of the immune characters (that I can remember) who has finally left on his own journey. I guess it's just a matter of time before some of these characters start running into each other. Maybe have their own version of Survivor meets Gilligan's Island. Some of the roles are already fillable; Stu can be the skipper, the pregnant girl is Mary Anne, the singer is bumbling old Gilligan, and the Professor with the dog can be... a coconut.

On our country's Independence Day, the drug binging singer, who I may as well reveal is named Larry, feels patriotic and horny. As well he should. He escaped the traffic and sickness of New York City and is camping out near Vermont or something. He managed to grab himself camping supplies and a Harley motorcycle. For all my contempt at him, he at least managed to travel in style. He's about ready to give his sugar mama a good morning "poking" when he discovers she died. Is it irony when the former druggie's lady friend dies of a pill overdose? It's definitely something that amuses me. Larry isn't exactly singing the blues since she was holding him back the whole way through but he's alone now, and it doesn't hit him until he nearly crashes his bike (see what I did there?) what a problem that could be. He could bust his stupid singer head and no one would know except the birds and Bambi's mom.

Our first merging of characters occurs on the roadway when the gas station guy, Stu, spots Fran and her little nerd in tow on motorcycles. Everyone's armed but Stu tries to make friendly niceties with these new faces. While Fran is receptive, the nerdy guy, named Harold, is not so much. Stu can see that the kid has a thing for Fran but she does not return the feelings. They tell him of their plans to go to the disease center which just so happens to be the place Stu escaped from. He tells him of his plans to head to the lower east coast by the ocean but Fran tells him things aren't any better, plague-wise over in Maine (the most east coast, oceany state of all the east coast, oceany states). After some straight talking and promises from Stu that he won't be raping anyone, Nerdy Harold reluctantly allows him to join their convoy. A Texan worker, a Maine college student, and a Maine nerd walk into a bar... and it looks like, despite his assurances, Stu does seem to develop a bit of an attraction to Fran, who still hasn't told anyone else that she's pregnant. I guess that kind of cosmic joke is only funny to me.

With this we finally end the first part of this epic novel. And I ended up summarizing pretty much every chapter, making for a much longer blog post than usual. But then most chapters are very short. One was actually just half a page long. Things are picking up in this apocalypse!

Part Two: On the Border

Just wanted to point out that each part is named "Book" not "Part". (Ex: "Book 1", "Book 2", & "Book 3"). And they're long enough to be actual Carrie-sized books. I didn't want some future pedant to complain that I named them parts. I'm not mistaken, I'm simply lazy. So we're making a run for the border and we start the second part with Nick, my favorite deaf mute. He crashes his bike trying to swerve a passed out drunk on the road. Turns out the drunk is mildly retarded and can't read. And Nick has no way of communicating except for writing. It's like the odd couple but with disabled people. The mental drunkie, who's much older than Nick, eventually figures out Nick's deal by going into some kind of trance. Nick isn't picky about his company, so he steals the mental dude a bike (equipped with obnoxious horn and bell he won't hear), stuffs a bag full of canned foods, and the two leave town. I give the mental guy's odds of survival about the same as a pampered Manhattan rich lady in the Vermont wilderness.

Nick dreams of that damn Dark Man again, and now more than ever Nick becomes dead set on reaching Nebraska and an old black woman living in a field of corn. Team Handicapable stop in yet another deserted town and Nick looks around a department store for some medicine for his companion's upset stomach. Since it looks like he's sticking around, I'll reveal that the mentally challenged man is named Tom Cullen. Okay, I'm revealing it so I can also say "Look, it's Edward's non-vampire daddy! Doesn't that explain a lot?" And now I feel more like I'm insulting handicapped people than sparkly vampires. Ah well. Nick comes across a young girl in short shorts who's so relieved at finding another living person, she throws herself into her arms. Nick tries to be a gentleman but no one is stopping a sweaty, hysterical girl from having some post-apocalyptic sex with a cute deaf mute. And that may come back to bite him in the ass since the chick is spoiled and crazy. Isn't there a saying about not sticking a certain body part in crazy? Well, she trashes their bikes and food when she doesn't get her way and the two guys run off, leaving her behind. They eventually stumble across an older man in a pick-up truck and hopefully that dude isn't just as crazy as the chick because Nick and Tom can't be peddling bicycles the whole way. This isn't the Netherlands. There are potholes, thunderstorms, and a-holes with guns out there.

Making an argument for the use of the lightweight, pollution-free bicycle is Larry, the drug binging singer. But he's on the edge of heat stroke so I can't take his reasoning all that seriously. The singer dreams of the Dark Man and then we see that Larry's being watched by two new people, a woman who's never had sex (King makes it a point to mention that) and a twitchy, boy with nothing on his person except for shorts and a knife. Sigh. These two new characters follow him to a beach where the kid tries to introduce him to his knife. Go kid go! Alas, Larry has no qualms defending himself with a boot to the stomach. We learn the kid has gone feral after his family died and the woman, in her mid-thirties, is a former teacher who found the kid and takes care of him. It takes a while, but Larry finally gets on the kid's good side when he plays the guitar. I guess his musical talent isn't completely useless. After more or less soothing the savage beast, the three make it all the way to Maine where they spot that large note (on the roof of a barn) left by nerdy Harold about two weeks ago. Larry is all but singing Harold's praises and ingenuity.

Larry teaches the teacher how to ride a motorcycle because that's the fastest and most nimble way to get to the disease center outlined on the barn. He nearly loses his temper in the process and the wild kid shares my look of contempt for the singer but then he dreams of corn fields and that old woman who I must give name to: Mother Abagail. She implies he's trying to change for the better but that school teacher may have a dark secret. As for the feral little boy, I think I like him. He's like a wild dog who can actually speak when he feels like it. The three hit a snag when they can't maneuver the motorcycles through traffic and car crashes but slowing down gives them a chance to encounter yet another survivor: a mother and housewife who outlived her family. They meet because Mr King either doesn't like me or thinks highly of my memory. The youngish housewife is grateful to join them, telling them she's been scared and dreaming of the Dark Man. Larry is surprised but reveals his corn-filled dreams about the oldest black woman in Nebraska. Looks like everyone's had that dream of the old woman. Everyone except for the sexless school teacher. Suspicious! They finally get to the disease center but find it abandoned and everyone dead. Also a note! Harold, Fran, Stu, and the professor are headed for Nebraska. Looks like they had the dreams too. And it looks like everyone's headed for corn country. I hope Mother Abagail's shack can handle the five hundred characters that are probably going to be introduced in book 2.

Actually, we may as well learn a little more about Mother Abagail Freemantle, since this chapter is dedicated to her. She's a God-fearing woman who likes toast with coffee despite having no teeth. She was born in 1875 and has experienced true racism and prejudice, instead of the watered-down definition held tight by many politically correct WASPs nowadays. She's well over a hundred years old and has surely seen many things, including the Dark Man's true form. Being hospitable, Mother Abagail goes to kill some chickens for the weary travelers who are getting closer every day. She nearly gets taken out by demonic weasels for her troubles. My dear, deaf mute Nick finally arrives and boy has he rounded up a bunch of strays along the way. A veterinarian, two more women, and an injured little girl, which is in addition to the truck driver who saved him and Tom from bicycling bunions a few chapters back. Okay, I understand their need to find more people immune but Mr. King, please, no more new names. Please. I don't care if you're gonna end up killing half of them, I still have to try and differentiate every newcomer with snappy nicknames and descriptions. So far, and this is taking into account only the people who've had at least a whole chapter devoted to them, there's: a preggo girl, a gas station guy, a drug binging singer, a deaf mute, a rapist/murderer, a schizo pyro, a fat nerd, a professor with an adorable dog, a mentally challenged man, a southern truck driver, a shady school teacher, a wild boy who loves music, a former housewife, a religious old woman of the corn, and possibly the frickin' devil.

Mother Abagail, it may not surprise you to know, has prophetic dreams. She thinks of her power as "the shining lamp of God" and I just want to take a moment to ponder what it would've been like if I read The Shining third and left this monster for last, as I should have if I went by the publishing timeline. At least there's only three or four characters to remember in The Shining. I'll look forward to it next week but I still have a flupocalypse to get through. So Mother Abagail tells Nick and his second in command, a guy named Ralph, that she dreamt of them going to the Rockies to probably start a new settlement. And she had at least two hundred people following her in her dream. (Dear God, why? I was just kidding two paragraphs up!) Nick wonders about the Dark Man who's also rounding up people like Mother Abagail seems to be doing. He doesn't think the Dark Man is the devil and Mother Abagail agrees; the dark man is more like Satan's poker buddy or something. Nick isn't keen on them moving west, in closer proximity of the dark bastard who likes to sic weasels on innocent old ladies but he goes because their Mother insists. And even though he doesn't believe in God, and even though their Mother confesses her fears and her doubts on her visions as any rational person would, they go through with it and hope for the best. As long as there aren't any psychics with coma sob stories, it's all good.

Team TexMaine seem to be a little worse for wear as they suffer from dreams of that dark man. Everyone's resorting to taking sleeping pills except for Fran who, at this rate, won't disclose her pregnancy until her water breaks and a baby is dangling between her legs. Little Frannie PregnantPants keeps a diary for posterity and that's how we learn she has feelings for Stu, and that nerdy Larry put the moves on her but got rebuffed. If Stu had a mid-twenties wife a while back, he has to be about thirty. So it's either a seventeen year old, jealous nerd or an older gas jockey who can swing a mean chair (the professor doesn't count, and I'm sure he hears that a lot in life). I guess beggars can't be choosers and Stu seems like a nice enough guy. The four stumble across a group of girls in a stuck car who were also headed to Nebraska because of the corn dream. Nope, keep moving. Don't even care what they look like. Eventually Fran tells Stu that she's pregnant. You know, after they have sex on a rock. And Harold sees everything. Oh crap.... wait, maybe he'll help me take out some names. But of course he doesn't. He has two guns and everything but rather than shoot up everyone while they're sleeping in their tents, he steals Fran's diary, reads it, then has a little fun time with his right hand. Damn it Harold. Can't you do anything, right?

Holy crap, it's the Trashcan Man. I haven't read hide nor hair of him since his introduction about 12 chapters and a whole book back. This crazy pyro is about as dinged up as an old trashcan. He's doing the crazy thing of humming along as he travels to his final destination. I can't be the only one who wants him to hum 'Do You Believe In Magic' by The Lovin' Spoonful. He remembers how he was near suicidal, having burnt his stupid arm after a particularly bad explosion, when that rascal Randall appeared in a dream and directed him to Cibola. The pyromaniac was all gung ho about following his dark master's orders and didn't feel any fear until he entered Nebraska, He dreamt of Nebraska's corn woman and transforming into a weasel. So... was he one of those weasels who scared her before or what? All these interconnected dreams and visions and messages are starting to give me a headache. After getting groped by a racist, old man, crawling through a tunnel, and nearly dying in the southwestern desert, he makes it to Cibola. Or rather Las Vegas. I guess Cibola was supposed to be metaphorical and not referring to an actual town in Arizona. Larry the rat-eating jail bird, is less stupid than I remembered him. And he's got a whole bunch of musclemen working for him. The Trashcan Man meets with The Dark Man. May I just say how fitting it is that Satan's poker buddy sets up shop in Las Vegas?

Someone named Lucy Swann is named in this chapter. For a minute I don't realize I've already met her. She's part of that singer's group; the housewife. And the group has grown to almost twenty according to her. So we got a guy with the surname Cullen, and a lady with the surname Swann. Vampire melodrama jokes notwithstanding, this brings our survivors chart up to, what, forty? Fifty? After they get a CB radio, they get into contact with Nick's group and find out the Nebraska team have set up camp in Boulder, Colorado where they've been joined by other wandering stragglers, reaching close to three hundred people. It's like the cast of Lost, Revolution, Oceans 11 and 7 Maniacs all decided to hop into this novel to give my scattered memory more trouble than an asthmatic in an army base. And I promise this is the last time I'm going to complain about more new characters because even I'm getting tired of it. I blame Project Blue Eyes Cryin' in the Rain (because of the damn Superflu).

Looks like the housewife carries a torch for Larry but Larry is still interested in the school teacher who clings to her virginity like a nun in a whorehouse. And all this despite the teacher wanting to give in to the seemingly smooth singer. I don't care how many people say he's good, I just don't care very much for the drug binging singer that is Larry Underwood (father of Carrie Underwood except not really). The guy has a temper, he's selfish as it gets, and he's a bit of a player. He slept with a fifty year old, then a twenty year old who's crushing on him, but he wants to bang a thirty year old teacher. He won't stop until he crosses off every decade from his list. Maybe it's unfair of me to judge him because the dude is acting how many normal, average men would react in this situation. It's just that when compared to the patient, young Nick, or even the folksy but tough Stu, Larry pretty much pales as a male specimen. The only guys lower on the totem pole is Harold the nerd and the wild boy known as "Joe", simply due to immaturity and age. Anyway, the school teacher has been having dreams of "giving in" to a cold, dark force. She's apparently been saving herself for Randall Flagg ever since she was young, and as long as she remains pure, she'll stay under his control. So all she has to do is sex up a boy and she'll be out of that demon's grasp. I want to shake this woman. I've heard of girls saving themselves for that special someone, but I think The Dark Man is a different kind of special. Not like Tom special but definitely not the sweet prince of romantic fairy tales.

With no preamble, we're at Boulder, Colorado where Stu and the professor's group have already converged with the people following Nick and his right hand man, Truck Driver Ralph. They figure out that they're building a good settlement, while the Dark Man is recruiting an evil settlement. Hell has all the bureaucrats and lawyers so you can bet Flagg City will be organized and under strict, tyrannical rule. The professor, a rational thinker, doesn't think it's wise to put Mother Abagail in charge of everything (a good dictatorship is still a dictatorship), even if everyone might want it. And it seems everyone does want it except for Mother Abagail. We finally have Singer Larry's group of stragglers joining "the Free Zone". I guess "Boulder" didn't sound patriotic enough. Or maybe it represents the free stuff up for grabs in the abandoned stores. In any case, with everyone finally gathered, I must get to specific identifying because it eases my aching head. We have the singer, Larry, as the grudging leader of the New York group. Adorable deaf mute, Nick, is the leader of the Nebraska group. And it looks like Texan gas guy, Stu, is the default leader of the TexMaine people (despite the nerdy dude's objections). Okay. I think these three "leaders" are the protagonists. It's only taken me mid-way into book 2 to figure that out.

And it looks like the school teacher is going to play a big role over on the side of evil with the Randall the Vandal and the Dimwitted Felon. And possibly the nerd Harold. All this based on Mother Abagail's feelings on them; as soon as the school teacher introduced herself, they both felt a chill of fear. Now, Mother Abagail could've denounced the woman and got her ass kicked out of the Free Zone. Even the teacher's beloved Wild Boy Joe has been rechristened Non-Wild Boy Leo by Mother Abagail. And Leo totally took a shine to the old woman, just like everyone except for the Antichrist's consort. But no. Mother turned a blind eye and let the teacher go. This is not the time for letting tantrums ride out, Mother. This is the time for stern punishment. Maybe even a spanking. Meanwhile, a committee is forming thanks to Stu, with the members consisting of Deaf Mute Nick, Professor Glen (who left behind the dog!), Ralph the Truck Driver, Some Guy I Don't Know, Pregnant Fran (really?), Gas Guy Stu, and Some Lady I Don't Remember (but probably there so the pregnant girl won't feel alone).

Speaking of the pregnant girl, Fran's busy doing a little dance and making a little love with her main man, Stu. The moment is broken when someone is outside her window and she gets a case of the giggles. Yeah, she's one of those types when it comes to nerves. That someone outside is Seemingly Reformed Singer Larry, and he has a little something for her and Harold. But mostly Harold. See, ever since he saw that sign in Maine, he's pictured Harold as some kind of genius savior figure. He recounts his entire journey to Fran and how, whenever he got into a jam, he would ask himself WWHD (literally) and boy does that send Fran into a guilt trip because she's pretty much shunned Harold and he's isolated himself from her and Stu. I'm going to allow this guilt trip. Because Harold would not be this filled with angst and rage and hate if she'd just befriended him. Maybe if someone in the group tried to talk to him, he wouldn't be writing in some hate journal and plotting to join Randall Flagg...

I'm already getting a sense of dread and underlying annoyance. The last thing this near-utopian society needs is an angsty, nerdy teenager and yet here we are. Easily preventable too. Man, I need a break. This blog post is too long. And I know many of my previous blog posts have been too long and probably no one even reads this but I can already tell this one is gonna be really, really long. And it's not even the extended edition.

I'm pulling a Stephen King and splitting this story up.