'Salem's Lot

When I think of Salem, I think of witchy Sabrina's black cat. Then I think of Massachusetts and the old witch trials. So two things you should get from this; 1) the MA tourism industry needs to step it up if they're being outshined by a cat from the '90s and 2) this book title is a bit misleading. One would think something with "Salem" in the title would be about witches. It is in fact about a writer returning to his small home town and encountering a plague of vampires. I expected witches and got vampires? Even back in the 1970s, those bloodsuckers liked to pop into other horror stories.

Part One: The Marsten House

Once again, a Stephen King book is divided into three parts. That's without counting the prologue and the epilogue. The prologue basically establishes the mysterious mood by following an unnamed "tall man" and a quiet boy who's not his son. There's a Chris Hansen joke in here somewhere. They seem to be running from something in Maine because there's no other reason to actively buy Maine newspapers. Anyone who says sports teams must name me three important games they've been in. Not even won, just participated in. Besides ambiance, the prologue reveals that the titular "'Salem's Lot" is actually short for "Jerusalem's Lot", a little town in Maine that's now pretty much abandoned and possibly haunted. Or so the legend goes. The tall man runs off to Mexico with the boy where they unnerve a Spanish priest and his trusty translator. The tall man ultimately decides to engage in the ultimate Mexican experience: crossing the border. They're returning to 'Salem's Lot.

In the actual first part, we see someone named Ben Mears driving back to his childhood home in, you guessed it, Intercourse Pennsylvania. Or the town named after an empty tract of land, whatever. He actually lived in 'Salem's Lot with his aunt for about four years but there was a fire that drove him out and then his mom killed himself and later on his wife died when he crashed his motorcycle. There's a saying about suffering for one's art, and I think Ben took it a bit far. Yes, Ben is an artist; specifically a writer. From Maine. Way to step out of your wheelhouse, Mr. King. Ben meets a pretty girl named Susan but this Susan is less of a cupcake and more of a hotcake if you catch my meaning. She's around college age, an artist, and a fan of his books. Jackpot. He treats her to a cream soda at a speak easy where they shoot the breeze. It feels more like the 1950s than the mid 1970s when this book takes place. After dispensing some advice to aimless artist Susan (I feel your pain, sister), the two agree to another date.

Now, the beginning of this part takes great pains to detail the little Lot town in relation to Maine and other towns therein. I'm sure residents of Cumberland County were peeing their pants in excitement when they were mentioned back then but I have no idea where some of these landmarks are. It doesn't help that I'm bad with directions; hell, half the time I can't even point to where *I* live on a map. Just about the only thing I can remember from the Lot's extensive geographical and historical lesson is that it was named after a runaway pig and not the Holy Land in Israel. From witch trials to Israel to pigs. Truly the town name has meaning for everyone. This part is named "The Marsten House" for a reason so let's see why. In short, it's a creepy house on a hill that gives everyone bad juju whenever they look at it. For Ben, personally, his relation to the house started when he got dared to enter it as a kid. This Marsten House belonged to a rich recluse who shot his wife and hanged himself. Little Ben was supposed to get in, grab something and get out. Instead he saw the dead, hanging body of Old Man Marsten. It may have been a ghost, his imagination, or some third option. In any case, add that nightmare fuel to Ben's ever growing list of crappy luck.

It's at this time I should probably mention that in addition to being split into three parts, each chapter is named after a person. The first chapter was Ben (I) and the second was Susie (I). The Roman numerals can only suggest they're clones and this is actually taking place in Stepford, Connecticut. Or that future chapters will have Ben (III) and Susan (XVY). This quirky naming convention gets a bit surprising when we get to Chapter 3 "The Lot (I)". We're gonna get a part of the story from the Lot's POV? As if the geographical descriptions didn't bore me already. How else would a Lot talk if not in Landmarks and GoogleMaps? (Or whatever the 1970s equivalent of that may be. I guess just plain "maps").

In any case, the first chapter with "The Lot" gives us about 20 vignettes from different townspeople over the course of a day. From the boardinghouse widowed matron, to her drunken old lover, to an abusive teenage mother, to the Hunchback of Notre Dump, to a bully getting his ass handed to him by the new kid. And of course some things with Ben and Susan. (He has dinner with Susan and her parents on their second date. That guy sure loves his fans). There's also a dead dog on a gate and a possible Satanist who kidnapped a kid dumb enough to take a shortcut through the woods at night with his little brother. Most townspeople are surprised someone bought the old Marsten house (and there's a little flashback on how that came about but all you need to know is that the dude who bought the murder/suicide house is a shady weirdo. Yeah, I was surprised too.) It seems, the Lot has a lot to say, if you'll excuse the pun.

The two dumb kids who took a shortcut through the woods are featured more prominently now because one of them has gone missing. The older boy, Danny, manages to get back home with some kind of amnesia that soon becomes a full blows sickness. This sounds more like alien shenanigans than Satanic cults. Or creepy antique shop owners. The shady weirdo who bought the Marsten house also bought himself a little antique shop (as if I needed more proof of his weirdness!) and the realtor who sold it is kind of kicking himself for "deals with the devil" and such because he's running errands for the creepy guy and having to persuade and bribe truck drivers to not mention finding any little kid clothes in the Marsten basement. Not that the realtor doesn't have his own shady past. But it's more money-siphoning, skimping on construction supplies shady. Not put the lotion, eat your skin shady like Mr. Antique Creep.

Constable Dag'nabbit (may not be his real name) does some folksy, subtle interrogation of the new fellas Ben "Bad Luck" Mears and Mr. Richard Throkett Straker (Might as well give the Antique Creep a name). Ben refuses to talk about his current literary masterpiece sitting in the typewriter and Antiques Creep Straker has a partner in New York, and has lived in England and Germany. And yet the antiquers retired to Nowheresville, Maine. How many more red flags do you need, oh Sheriff of 'Lotingham? The interrogations reveal that neither of the two newcomers have seen Danny's missing brother but the Constable still runs a background check on them back at the office. As for Danny, his little amnesia fit has taken a turn for the worse and he's come down with a case of clammy skinned dead-itis. I hear that tends to be fatal.

Ben once again has dinner with art-loving Susan and her parents, winning over the father and still not making headway with the mother. It probably won't help his case when he takes Susan to the park to make sweet, grassy love. And after that nice moment he tells her the oh so delightful tale about Old Man Marsten, aka Hitler 2. (Not even exaggerating on the Hitler comparison ‒ it's in the book). According to Ben, Old Man Marsten was a hit man who may have kidnapped children and kicked puppies. The old man was so evil, it left an imprint on his house when he died. So it's not Satanists, it's ghost possessions and a house pulling an Amityville? After that mixed-reaction date, Ben heads down to the local bar where he runs into the town drunk and the town school's English teacher. He makes friends with both, agreeing to give a lecture to one of the teacher's classes and taking the town drunk to the boardinghouse where they both have rooms. Looks like Ben is conquering his fears of this old town.

Oh, Danny boy, the nosy types are bawling. From drunk to aunt, with fake grass on the side... After a stirring religious service where Danny's parents curse and faint, the town gravedigger sets about burying Danny. There's no one around so he can take his sweet time and think about things. Like how creepy the Marsten house looks in the distance and... he's in a hypnotic trance. Just great. The gravedigger jumps into the grave to open the coffin and see if the dead boy's eyes are open and watching him. I think we can say goodbye to Mr. Glad-I-Didn't-Remember-His Name gravedigger. Meanwhile, we get another peek at the kid who kicked some school bully butt (the kid is scrawny but cool as a cucumber), and the abusive teen mom with her baby (surprise, surprise, her husband drinks and screams). Then the Hunchback of Notre Dump gets a kindly visit by the Antiques Creep Straker and it's a draw as to which of the two are creepier, so naturally they become friends.

When did an alcoholic priest become a cliché? It was probably fresh when this book first came out but reading it now seems trite. The priest who did the funeral service for Danny boy is Irish and a bitter drunk. Please, no one mention redundancy. From his musings on evil vs. EVIL (Every Villain Is Lemons?) we go to something brighter. High school! Oh crap. Proms, blood, cuuupcaaakes! No wait, false alarm. It's another guy who has thoughts on evil: Superstitious Writer Ben and his new best buddy, Matt, the rock lovin' English teacher. These two new pals have some kitchen spaghetti and scheme on visiting the spooky Marsten house to get a feel for the new owner. After that fine dinner, the English teacher goes to the bar and runs into the gravedigger. Damn. Good thing I didn't bet on that guy's demise earlier. But the gravedigger is practically on death's door judging by how he's all sickly pale, sleeping all morning and unable to eat anything. Unless... I sense yet another cliché, specifically a horror movie one.

The concerned teacher invites his former student to sleep at his place which falls under "Horror movie cliche: mysterious illness edition". Who the hell invites a sick kid to their house for a good night's sleep? Even if you don't believe in zombies or freaky supernatural sicknesses, you should call the doctor, first. Give the sickee a sympathetic pat on the back, then go home to soak your hand in alcohol. Maybe I'm just a germaphobe. Anyway, the gravedigger accepts the invitation and at the house, the teacher sees puncture wounds on his former student's neck. Chupacabra! It has traveled awfully far for some Maine crab and Moxie. The teacher can't get to sleep so he's awake when he hears some sucking sounds coming from the gravedigger's room. Teacher Matt has the sense to stay in his room and totally eff that noise. I'm not sure I'd be eager to investigate the source of some suckage either. Could be a Stephenie Meyer creation. Oh snap! Double meaning up in this long-winded summary. And with that, we close out part one.

Part Two: The Emperor of Ice Cream

This title is the tastiest and most misleading of all the parts. Clearly Writer Ben is the main character in this book as we've got yet another chapter named after him. And he's the one who supplies this part with its title; it's based on a poem about death. And ice cream as a metaphor, maybe? In any case, we start a few hours after the previous part ended where Ben's new best buddy calls him over because he's a'scared of a possible vampire corpse in his guest room. Writer Ben accepts Teacher Matt's explanation and takes charge, calling in the town constable and the medic. The gravedigger displays the same healthy look but lack of pulse as Danny boy (who's in the running for America's next undead bloodsucker).

What's a vampire novel without some romantic drama? Probably engaging and suspenseful but we need a reason to postpone scoping out the Marsten house. Susan's ex beats up Writer Ben and she rushes to the hospital, deciding she loves the scrawny author and will move out of her parents' house to live with him in starving artist bliss. She is truly committed to the arts. He seems to reciprocate her feelings and I feel like I may have missed some crucial part of this courtship. In between the park sex and morbid tales of a hit man's death house, when did this undying love develop? At Writer Ben's request, Artsy Susan goes to see Teacher Matt, who's less happy go rockin' and more twitchy pants. She's very skeptical of his "Danny is a vampire and turned the gravedigger into one also" theory. She's a little less so when Matt mans up and goes upstairs to investigate a noise. It's the gravedigger who's done dug out of his grave! When will people learn. Matt revokes his invitation because vampire rules state you can't enter a home unless you're given the thumbs up. They're polite like that. And I guess it's official. This story is about vampires and not witch trials, Satanists, ghosts, or parking garages. Is it weird that this story has me wondering if there are any sons and daughters of Dracula in the Holy Land? Hmm... oh, before I forget, Matt has a heart attack.

It would appear ole' Danny boy is going from glen to glen and turning all sorts of townspeople. His parents, Artsy Susan's ex-boyfriend, the abusive teen mom's baby (wait, really? A baby vampire? How adorably horrifying! It's adorifying.) Artsy Susan and Writer Ben talk over the bloodsucker theory at the hospital with her playing skeptic and him playing believer. It's like Mulder and Scully but with less believable sexual chemistry. Even more people get turned into sun avoiders, including the garbage hunchback and some dude sleeping with a man's wife. Though the latter not by Danny but some new guy. Some vaguely foreign guy. Not Antique Creep Straker. Also that cool little kid who kicked his bully's butt without breaking a sweat? Totally resisted vampire Danny boy's advances with a model crucifix. Didn't even have a heart attack like a certain English teacher.

The Hardy Act-Like-Boys and Nancy Loves-To-Draw make a plan. They need to get holy water from the Irish Priest and bone up on their vampire mythology. They bring another guy into their little Scooby circle: a former student, and current doctor of Teacher Matt. The doctor is surprisingly accepting of their theory and tells Writer Ben and Artsy Susan that a bunch of bodies went missing from the morgue. They plan to exhume Danny boy's body but then discover his parents are dead. Nice. Now they don't need to bother getting their permission. Instead of exhuming the kid, they decide to keep watch on the mother's body. If she's still stone dead after sundown, then they can rest easy knowing they're merely insane and there are crazy graverobbers in the Lot. If she rises after the sun goes down... well let's see what happens.They go to the funeral home armed with a makeshift cross of tongue depressors and tape (good to know craft class and rudimentary knowledge of he 23rd Psalm would come in handy). The mother does indeed rise, doing her best Mina Harker impression, and bites the doctor who enjoys the sucking. No really. The word "erection" is used. She doesn't turn into a bat but she does disappear in a puff of light which doesn't sound like something vampires do but then I didn't think they sparkled either so what do I know? The doctor cleans his wound as best he can and surmises that he won't be coming... I mean, he won't be becoming a vampire. Writer Ben and the doctor now have to come up with a cover story for the trashed funeral parlor and the missing body.

With all this erotic funeral parlor fighting, I almost forgot about Artsy Susan. Being the skeptic, she decides to head over to the Marsten house alone. At least she has enough sense to bring a broken piece of stake-shaped fence post and a dime store crucifix. She gets the heebie jeebies the closer she gets to the house and before she can say "Horror movie cliche: curious girl edition", she gets grabbed. But wait! She gets grabbed by none other than the bully beating, vampire deflecting young boy who's important enough to warrant his own chapter: Mark. The kid came armed with an ash wood stake, a gun, and nerves of steel. Honestly, of the three grown men who know about this, I feel like Artsy Susan is safest with the solemn, twelve year old monster fan.

The two sneak into the house and don't get far before Antique Creep Straker creeps up on them, knocking out Mark and taking Artsy Susan down into the cellar. He ties up Mark, leaving him to languish until sundown when Straker's vampire friend will have himself a cool-as-a-cucumber snack. Mark pulls off a Houdini act by getting out of the ropes tying his arms, legs, neck, and testicles (no kidding, he recently read a book about Houdini's escapes and uses the concentration techniques to get out; also, no kidding on the poor kid's family jewels getting the hangman treatment.) He's too late to save Artsy Susan and he makes it back home where it's implied he seems to have an abusive father. Okay then. That night, he has a pale floating Arsty Susan (all she needs are hipster glasses and a beret and she'll really fit the east coast, artsy mold) waiting outside his window. But he's not letting her in. His only hope lies with Artsy Susan's boyfriend, Ben, the writer who got way more than he bargained for when he wanted creepy inspiration for his new book.

We end the second part with a chapter devoted to the drunk, Irish Priest. All we need to know here is that  teacher Matt thinks he's crazy and talks to the priest who wishes he were. The priest waxes rhapsodic about evil changing from the devil with horns to the evils mankind inflict on each other. It's some pretty heavy stuff. A new plan is made (what is this, like the 4th new plan?) where the ever growing group of amateur vampire slayers will face the Antique Creep in his own store. They'll find that a bit hard to do since little Mark bashed that dude with a metal pipe before running like a bat out of hell. Of all the people who know about the town's local vampocalypse, I'm hoping the kid survives. Even ropes cannot break his balls of steel!

Part Three: The Deserted Village

The second tastiest... no wait, does that say dessert? Okay, never mind. The last part is entirely dedicated to the Lot. Every chapter. Because the Lot has so much to say about darkness and evil and being named after a cranky sow. By this point, most of the townspeople are sleeping by day, lethargic, and unable to eat anything because it makes them sick. They've been transformed into anorexic teenagers. Mark finally gets to the boardinghouse where he relates his information to Writer Ben. The kid is very straightforward and the author is very ill. First his wife now this town girl? His love life is the most depressing thing of this whole book. Writer Ben and Mark drive towards the a'cursed house and spot Artsy Susan's old car. I'd check the ashtray for loose change but she's an artist. Check it for some bud.

Writer Ben and Mark meet up with Teacher Matt and his doctor. They form their 30th plan of the evening: the scrawny writer, the bitten doctor, and the twelve year old boy will sneak into the Marsten house and kill the head vampire who I have finally figured out is the previously mentioned, but not seen partner, of the Antique Creep Straker. Teacher Matt will lay in his hospital bed and try not to have a stroke. I know he's old but his role in this little group task force seems unnecessary. One would say he's needed because of his research into vampires but the little kid knew most of that stuff anyway (and they say horror movie trivia is useless). Van Helsing's Angels visit the Irish Priest to give confessions because lore says they have to be clean of sins or something before vampire hunting (I bet Buffy never had to do that). The priest still seems a bit reluctant but eventually joins the group as they go garlic and rose shopping. This sounds more like planning for a romantic evening than a deadly confrontation; unless you're married and then it's both, amirite?

The well-equipped quartet arrive at the Marsten house where the priest power-of-Christ-compels the house to open its doors. His crucifix glows and blasts the door as well as melts the lock right off (I still cannot get over that bit of lore; the crosses actually glow when they interact with vampires!) They find Antique Creep Straker definitely dead via hanging and Mark is a kick butt kid but he sure as hell didn't do that. They go to the cellar to find the creature who did do that and find... a letter. That crafty little bastard. Who has time for even more reading? Looks like Nosferatu's effeminate cousin knew they were coming and left to hide away until nightfall. He left Still Artsy But Now Also Artsy/Vampy Susan behind to give them a proper greeting and unlike the exciting fight with Danny boy's mom, this face-off against Vampy Susan consists of Writer Ben agonizing over her sleeping, undead body. He takes his sweet time in staking her through the heart and when he finally does, it's all bloody and gruesome and kinda cool. I suppose King was trying to go for a more heart wrenching lovers' goodbye but I'm just glad Artsy/Vampy Susan didn't try for a jump scare and throttle Writer Ben while he was hovering over her (I know I wanted to). He runs out of the house all sad and the townspeople who are still human can feel something major is about to happen.

Teacher Matt of the weak heart but stirring speeches convinces Writer Ben to avenge his apparently beloved Artsy Susan and get the head vampire once and for all the next morning. The teacher is rightfully upset when he finds out the priest and Mark went to see Mark's parents to tell them the truth. Even without reading ahead I can already assure you this will not end well. It's night time so of course the head vampire busts into Mark's house (he don't need no invitation, bitches) and faces off against the priest. The priest urges Mark to run away, leaving his dead parents and an ally with a crucifix low on batteries. Looks like his lack of faith is disturbing the holy glow of the crucifix. Rather than kill him or turn him into a vampire, the king of the bloodsuckers has the holy man suck some of his own blood. Not sure what that would do but it's bad enough that the priest can't enter his own church without being zapped by holy electricity. The priest decides to leave 'Salem's Lot and go to New York City. A pale, Irish alcoholic who has given up on God? You'll fit right in as long as you don't suck anyone's blood! Who am I kidding, you'll fit in even if you do.

More and more townspeople are getting turned to the dark side. The surly bus driver, the cheating wife and her husband, the boarding house lady. Plan 665 has Van Helsing's Angels go to Mark's house bright and early to use his dad's firewood and make a metric buttload of stakes. Writer Ben stays behind to make them while the good doctor and Mark go around town to find out who's been turned... and just sort of mark their door. Not kill them or burn them in the sunlight. Just mark their door and hope they'll stay inside until their turn comes to get the ole' wood in the chest. Doesn't legend go that if you kill the head vampire, you kill them all? They actually suspect the head vampire is at the old town school (because he had blue chalk on his fingers) and it won't be empty until 3 pm so either way they've got time to kill (at least they're killing something). While the three brave-ish men do the carving and leg work, the man compared to Mr. Van Helsing suffers another heart attack while telling a visitor a story about an abandoned town. I bet the clearly bored visitor was thinking "God, kill me now" before the vampire-obsessed teacher flopped over. Heh. Matt Helsing is with the angels now. Teaching and boring the angels.

Hey, did I say the head vampire was at the school? No, I meant the boardinghouse where Ben has a room. Or rather, the good doctor concludes this after he gets a vision of a pool table and hears the boardinghouse matron's voice. It's supposed to be an old memory from a conversation he had four years ago but come on. So Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch rush to meet the final boss... minus their Funky Writer. Because why bother getting the guy with the wooden stakes who probably knows that boardinghouse better than either of the two? Of course the cool-headed Mark wants to get Writer Ben but the doctor wants to make the final house call. Of death. Unfortunately it's his own death. Who saws off part of a staircase and sticks knives underneath? A mad vampire with subpar minions, that's who. I give them points for MacGyver style ingenuity, though. Luckily Mark escapes.

With the sun getting closer to setting, the last two amateur vampire hunters head to the boardinghouse but not before trying to tell the constable everything. For all his folksy talk he ain't no idiot. He's hightailing out of town. Writer Ben calls it cowardly. I call it smart. They fill up on holy water and before they know it, they're in the cellar off the boardinghouse. There's a hidden door behind a dresser locked up with a heavy duty padlock. But it's no match for an axe doused in holy water. Let the rainbow light of God tear through that evil lock! Writer Ben tells Mark that he loves him and I half expect Mark to pull a cocky, Han Solo, "I know". Also, that's a little weird to say to a twelve year old boy but I guess when you've been through Dracula's little town of horrors and lost everyone you've ever cared about, you're forgiven for emotions running high. Still doesn't stop me from thinking there's a Chris Hansen joke- oh! Deja vu!

What's left to say? The final boss battle with the vampire master is rather quick. It's down to the wire, like any good, climactic fight. After knocking out an attacking, hypnotized Mark, Writer Ben avenges, well, everyone and stakes the Master just as the sun sets. The others are still vampires but they're free from the will of the Master so... I guess it's as good a time as any to cut your losses and make like the Constable. The last chapter is named for Mark and Ben. And rightly so. The two are miles away while the town continues to get turned by the vampires. Ben returns in the daylight, not to kill off as many as he can while they sleep. 'Cuz that would be smart. He uses his precious daylight to bury his doctor friend and Mark's parents; a proper burial for innocents who weren't tainted with the sucktastick disease. Is that also part of the mythology or is Writer Ben taking his superstitions a step too far? Doesn't matter. The ending seems so heavy-hearted for poor Writer Ben and Mark but I feel ridiculously pleased that I inadvertently picked the names of the survivors to remember rather than the priest and the doctor. Sorry but we can't all have amazing memory like the good doctor who's now buried with a cold, possibly abusive dad and an unimpressive mother.

I don't know if it's become apparent but by the epilogue it should be pretty clear that Ben and Mark are the tall man and the quiet boy from the prologue. And the prologue didn't actually take place before the story but afterward. So chronologically, the events are: three part story, then prologue, then epilogue. Mr. King has pulled a Tarantino timeline mix before Tarantino ever did. The epilogue gives us a few newspaper excerpts that pretty much show the 'Lot has gone to crap and may be spreading it's crapulence to neighboring towns. The two brave, bookish lads go back to the Lot to enact plan number 1897: burn that mother down and hope any surviving nasties meet up with eager Anne Rice fangirls.

For all it's slow, overly detailed start, this story really picked up and had me hooked by the third part. I'm glad my two favorite characters survived and this book really redeems vampires for me. This book had it all: some action, descriptive horror, northeastern landmarks, pyromania... and of course, the rare love shared between two emotionally scarred survivors: a semi-successful writer and a kick butt little boy. Now why don't you take a seat over here?